Relationship/breakup advice

KombuchaEnema · 2021-12-16T18:05:41+00:00

When you’re evaluating a man, you need to take yourself out of the equation.

Ask yourself: “Does he want a long-term committed monogamous marriage?”

Do not ask yourself: “Does he want a long-term committed monogamous marriage with me?”

We all have this fantasy of taking the lifelong bachelor playboy and turning him into a fine husband. We imagine ourselves as so amazing and beautiful and wonderful that he just has to commit. We see this in a lot of romance. Sometimes it even happens in real life.

But for all women, dating a reluctant bachelor with the plan of converting him to a good husband is a risky plan and also a stupid plan.

He told you in the beginning he wasn’t sure if he wanted a relationship. That was your cue to leave. A man who wants a marriage isn’t going to waste his time on a casual relationship. He’s not going to play the whole “well I might want to get serious but I don’t know” game with you. He’s going to decide very early if he wants to take you seriously or not.

To him you’re basically a practice wife. He’s stringing you along for sex and companionship, but he never had any plans to commit.

Redpill men use the term “hamster wheel” to describe this mentality that a lot of women have. Men know each other. A man can look at your situation and automatically know “he’s not interested in a serious relationship.”

It’s women who stupidly convince ourselves that we can change men and make them commit even when they obviously don’t want to commit. It’s a romance fantasy. It’s not real. The hard truth is that you will never be a good enough woman for the wrong man. And you can’t turn the wrong man into the right man.

So, going forward: if a man says he isn’t sure about marriage, you politely end the relationship.

AntiVictimhood · 2021-12-16T20:16:55+00:00

Firstly, it sounds like you are at the mercy of your emotions. Making decisions based on feelings will be temporary. Hence why you keep returning to this guy despite the red flags and pattern of instability.

You need to think rationally here. What we can tell based on your description is that this is not a man who has certainty about what he wants. Starting off a relationship with someone who isn't sure if they even want to be with you is a hard no. Entertaining a man who isn't sure about you needs to be a dealbreaker.

You need to cut ties because this man will not be the life partner you want. Not because you're frustrated with things in the moment. You seem to be making pretty impulsive decisions to break up and get back together, and your reasoning for doing so is based on whim rather than sound decision making.

So first things first, the way you make decisions about men needs to change. You need to consider what you want- be crystal clear about your non-negotiables, and cut off guys who don't align with what you need from a partner.

Secondly, it sounds like you're fitting this guy into a role that he doesn't want and isn't equip for.

I always say, mixed feelings should always be taken as a no. Whatever his reason for hesitation is, if he isn't set on you after 1 YEAR, or at minimum has a really clear vision of his future with you- stop wasting your time. These mixed feelings need to be taken as a rejection. Even if it hurts your ego.

A man who isn't set on you after a year is a man who you do not need to keep around. He isn't ready for commitment and he's not going to give you what you want. No matter how many times you ask him.

Third, it sounds like you have some toxic patterns going on here. Anytime I read that a man or woman is intrigued and drawn in by mixed feelings, rejection, emotional distance etc. it tells me you have some patterns and potential trauma to resolve ASAP.

Emotionally healthy people are attracted to consistency, certainty, stability, compatibility, and clear investment from the person they're dating. The fact that you have not only returned to a man countless times who has rejected you, isn't sure about you, doesn't have the same goals as you etc. is a red flag.

"This hurt and I left. I then called him and asked if he wants to live with me, he said maybe at some point." Maybe at some point? Take uncertainty as a no. If you know you want a good husband and a family, you need to immediately screen out men who are not on the same page as you!

I strongly encourage you to explore why you're drawn to a man who you don't seem to be compatible with. If this is a pattern, you need to figure out what's causing this attraction and why you seem so willing and desperate to settle for a guy who doesn't seem to want a life with you.

" I asked what about the year after that and he said that he doesn’t know and doesn’t know what will be then. At this point I was desperate and broke up with him."

He doesn't want you. I know this sounds harsh, but he doesn't. A man who wants you will make sure that you are in his future. He will make decisions that include you. A man who says "we'll see how things play out", is being nice.

It's rare for someone to come out and just say "no". But you need to stop clinging to this ambiguity as though it's a green flag. It's not. It's a rejection. Cut this man off because he does not want a life with you. And holding onto hope based on these vague words is doing you so much damage and wasting your time.

Okay. Now, things you can do.

Figure out your non-negotiables. What do you need from a partner? The bare minimum should be; shared goals, stability, compatibility, mutual interest, consistency.
Cut your losses early. Being in love or feeling attached to someone does not mean he would be a good husband or partner. Do not let love, insecurity, attachement, and a sense of urgency keep you pursuing men who are not interested in your vision of the future. If you waste a year on each flakey guy who doesn't want you, you will not achieve your goals of having a good and stable family.
If a man doesn't meet your criteria for a husband, let him go. Don't try and force a man into a position that he doesn't want. Don't try and beg him to display behaviours that are not true to him. Date a lot of guys, vet them adequately, know your standards, and cut your losses soon. Don't invest in flakey men who are not aspiring to marriage/family.
Go to therapy, or take some time for deep reflection. Why are you tolerating a lack of interest? Why are you falling in love with men who don't want you and who are inconsistent? What quality of yours has caused you to keep going back to a dude who doesn't share your goals? - When we are attracted to instability, inconsistency, incompatibility etc. we are setting ourselves up for failure. You need to explore the source of this tendency and be mindful of it, or else you'll likely repeat this pattern.
Change the way you make decisions. Make decisions based on your long term goals and values, not your short term feelings of loneliness or attachment.
NOT EVERY IMPULSE NEEDS TO BE ACTED ON. If you feel like going back to this man, let that feeling exist. Feel that feeling. And let it pass. A desire to return to someone who doesn't want you is an act of self harm. The more you return to men who aren't consistent or committed, the more you actively rob yourself from finding a compatible partner. Stop acting on self destructive feelings or impulses. Your decisions need to be based on whether something aligns with your needs and long term goals, not based on emotional whims.

Wishing you the best.

Sea_Bookkeeper_1533 · 2021-12-16T18:13:27+00:00

I think the answer to this is very simple and RP. Men are naturally the hunters. If he's not hunting you, then that should tell you everything you need to know.

marceqan · 2021-12-16T18:22:27+00:00

It’s difficult but you did the right thing by breaking up. I don’t know whether he doesn’t want to settle down or he doesn’t want to settle down with you specifically, the bottom line is that he doesn’t want to and he will not. A year and three months is better than 5 years or however long he would have strung you along. Now you are single and can focus on finding someone else, someone whose goals align with yours and someone who is as into you as you are into them (or more). Let this be a learning experience to establish boundaries and expectations early on. Generally when a man says at the beginning he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him no matter how much you like him. A committed relationship that turns into marriage with mr. good-enough-guy is better than a situationship with mr. Perfect. It seems like you did most of the chasing and were inconsistent - breaking up just to be back together within a day sent the message that you would put up with anything. If you are in a relationship where you aren’t married or even living together, but crying so often it’s a sign to leave. Best of luck to you!

2021-12-16T20:16:35+00:00

You can't make someone want to settle down. In the future, when someone tells you they aren't sure if they want to be in a relationship, walk. Bring it up quickly, in a completely hypothetical way and save yourself some heartache. For all the complaining people do about online dating, it was always awesome to be able to know what someone was looking for before you even got involved.

TheEstheticsDiva09 · 2021-12-16T19:36:35+00:00

I’m really sorry to hear about your breakup OP. Break ups are hard, but they hurt more when you love someone and it’s not being reciprocated. Based on his responses on the future, it sounds like you did the right thing by leaving him. It didn’t sound like he knew what he wanted as far as long term goals. It’s unfortunate, but some guys take longer to figure it out than women.

That being said, you’ll find the right man for you. One thing I would recommend is to be confident in what you’re looking for and set the expectation early on. For instance, make it know you’re dating with intention to marry. Some guys may get scared, some may not. But at least this weeds out the ones who aren’t looking for a long term commitment with the end goal being marriage.

When a guy tells you they don’t ever want to get married, I wouldn’t recommend sticking around hoping he changes his mind. Most likely he won’t. Unfortunately some men are just like that and either you accept it or you move on.

2021-12-16T22:28:25+00:00

First off, it’s a huge turnoff for most men to be pushy about marriage. I’m not saying it should never be spoken about, but it’s pretty clear he’s not interested in that in the near future, and all of your actions put pressure on him to change his mind or frame to include you more in his life.

You know what both you and him want: you want marriage he doesn’t right now and doesn’t know when that may change. Obviously emotions are tied into it but if you want more, this isn’t the relationship for you. You’re also 30 so IMO you need to stop fucking around and make a hard, REAL non changing decision.

karolinafit · 2021-12-18T19:40:00+00:00

Also, I forgot to add that he’s been married before and has a daughter. They had an ugly divorce and he doesn’t see his daughter. His ex wife took his money and daughter and left. They’ve been in courts since. He’s super traumatized from it and that’s why he keeps saying he doesn’t want to rush anything and why in the beginning he wasn’t sure if he ever wanted a relationship again.

DiamondLilyD · 2021-12-17T12:27:41+00:00

Good riddance, he was stringing you along

Title	Relationship/breakup advice
Author	karolinafit
Upvotes	13
Comments	14
Date	December 16, 2021 5:48 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/rhvzim/relationshipbreakup_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/relationshipbreakup-advice.1212416 https://theredarchive.com/post/1212416

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