Strong desire to start dating again, but can't seem to attract the type of man I am looking for

StrangestUnicorn · 2023-06-19T06:02:06+00:00

I remember you used to have another reddit account (now deleted) where you used to post during your last relationship, about your boyfriends porn habits and your struggles with accepting your physical appearance. I do not want to bring all that baggage up, but I do want to provide some broader observations.

You carry a lot of insecurities about your physical appearance, and I suspect that these insecurities are a bigger obstacle to your dating prospects than your physical appearance itself, perhaps more than you realize.

You have on many occasions said that the only reason your ex-boyfriend broke up with you is your looks. The impression I got from reading your old account was quite different. Yes, your looks was the reason for your breakup, but it wasn't because he found you unattractive, but because you thought yourself unattractive. I think that there once again, it was your needy validation-seeking attitudes that fostered an unhealthy dynamic between you two, such as a very controlling "loveafterporn" approach you adopted in regards to his porn consumption.

Your insistence that there was nothing else other than your looks that lead to the dissolution of your previous relationship is worrying to me. I think you are avoiding reflecting upon your own behavior in that relationship. And that makes me worried that the same dynamic might reappear in your future relationships.

I am very happy to hear that you are making progress in improving your SMV. It is a very positive step forward if it makes you feel more confident and secure in yourself. However here too I would warn you to be honest with yourself about your motivations. I remember in one of the posts you made on your old account where you said you tried to change your hairstyle to be similar to women from the porn your ex-boyfriend watched. I hope that with time passed since then, you see how that can be unhealthy.

I cannot and will not advise anything specific, as I do not believe that I have a sufficient understanding of your situation. I will only suggest you take a sober and objective look into your past and see how your insecurities affect your behavior. For example, I suspect that your hesitation of using dating apps does not stem from fear of looking "desperate", but fear of putting yourself "out there" in a dating marketplace where physical appearance is a major criteria for selection.

Dehydrated_Jellyfish · 2023-06-19T06:32:29+00:00

You sound like me. I used to think it was my looks. It wasn't my looks. It was my personality. I relied too much on my looks and put more effort towards my looks than I did my personality. I don't have the looks insecurity that you have but the same mindset. I wish someone told me at your age that looks are a smaller part of the recipe than I thought. I wish someone told me that if you are cute enough, a 5/10, and not getting a guy, it's not because of looks.

I also fall into the category of liking people who don't like me as much back or having people into me I'm not interested in. That was happening because I saw shooting up and desperate. Not on looks but personality. I didn't want the people at my personality level. I rejected the people who acted like I did in the beginning stage of a relationship. This was also happening because I didn't love myself enough to have higher standards. I thought my standards were too high, like you. But they were too low in ways I couldn't see because my mindset blocked the view. I was too desperate and looking for someone to complete my puzzle.

Finding a guy at church isn't as easy as it should be. Is your church actively fostering new couples? Most don't. If these guys haven't tried to build a connection with you in about a year, they may not be interested. You should still keep the social life, but drop the mindset that you are 'waiting' on them to make a move. That's the desperation talking. Ask your pastor if they foster relationships. If they don't, find a church who does and keep the social circle.

Asking my ex why I'm single was the best thing I've done to improve my dating life. Your ex might not be a good person to do this, but try asking people who know you well why you are single. It was very hard to hear but also really good.

Your mindset is blocking your view. You will keep repeating patterns until you address your mental health. You will be told over and over that you are wife material but just too desperate until you fix the problem.

Jenneapolis · 2023-06-19T16:38:38+00:00

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, use the apps. In my 20s I was approached in public all the time. This happened to me while I was walking at the park, at the gym, pumping gas, shopping, and definitely when I was waitressing which I don’t even count because it’s so common. And in all of the situations, not once was it a guy that I wanted or “my type.”

Don’t get on the apps because you are desperate, get on the apps because you want to take control of finding what YOU want and not leave your future up to chance of whoever comes up to you in person. If I was more ambitious, I would write an entire post about the dating apps attitude I see on here because I see it hindering women so badly. We all would like the perfect man to just fall in our lap when we’re grocery shopping with little effort and risk on our part, it’s not going to happen.

penapple_2319 · 2023-06-19T19:28:34+00:00

A lot of it is just timing unfortunately. I have the same problem but as of right now just trying to focus on how to better improve myself and make myself ready to be a wife. Learn to cook more, how to keep a good cleaning schedule.

I still attract guys that are not my type either but just take the compliments and be friendly. You don't HAVE to date them and be nice, just being nice and practicing flirting is good

cast-away-ramadi06 · 2023-06-20T03:18:32+00:00

Here's a guys opinion - as long as you're in shape and you do at least an average job with skin, hair & clothes styling, it's probably not your looks that are holding you back. There are two categories of "good looking" for how men perceive women - hot/sexy and beautiful.

Hot/sexy is all about sex appeal and is what you see jn media. It's a signal to our lizard brain that she wants to fuck someone. This is not what good men look for in a gf or wife, even if it's blasted all over media. Sex sells - that's why they do it. Sexy also usually fades with age if people don't keep really good care of themselves (diet, exercise, suncreen for fair skinned people, etc)

Beautiful is about the vibes and effort. I see women often going for sexy/hot when they should be going for beautiful. Most men don't find long&fancy nails, fake eyelashes, BBL, and related trends beautiful and a lot more than you think don't find it sexy.

rosesonthefloor · 2023-06-20T18:47:53+00:00

I agree with the other commenter that you have to start with self-reflection. Rarely can any decision or event in life be reduced to only one reason why, so it’s highly likely that there was more that contributed to your breakup than just your looks. Really take the time to think through what happened. Journaling can help with this, and can help to sort out your feelings about it (and everything else) as well. Take your time with this piece - it is a process.

I’d also recommend spending some time thinking about what kind of man you want, and what kind of woman he would want. Take looks out of the equation entirely. “Ugly” women fall in love and get married all the time. And there is much more to a solid relationship/marriage than just looks. What steps can you take today to be the kind of woman you want to be, that will attract the kind of man you want? The work you’ve done so far (putting more effort into your appearance, etc.) is great, but what about on the inside? In dating for marriage, you’re going to want to focus on your RMV over SMV. And be careful that you’re not throwing off too many signs of insecurity that might be turning men away.

Part of the vetting framework is taking an active role in your dating life by putting yourself in proximity to and in the direct path of the kind of men you’d like to date. How can you do that? Other than being in the same church group/social circle of these 4-5 guys, have you done anything to connect with them beyond basic group friendliness?

Something like the Art of the Bad Excuse is a great way to signal a bit of interest to the men you’re interested in, or even just asking them for help with something. The point is - do something to invite interaction and see where that goes! Some guys just need a small green light before they switch into pursuer mode.

Also, because you mentioned playing a sport in a previous post - co-ed sports are a great way to meet men in-person! That’s how I met my boyfriend. And even if they aren’t a fit, they might have friends who are. But again, you have to put yourself out there.

Ultimately your situation isn’t hopeless - and doing the internal work will help you see that. If you know you can offer the right man a great relationship and marriage, then all the bad dates or nonstarters won’t matter, as in the end they’re just getting you closer to the one that will work out.

why_squ1rtle · 2023-06-20T23:17:09+00:00

Alright so me and my sister both agree that the responses that you have received thus far r basically useless. So please excuse my gruffness but im about to drop some real talk.

TLDR if you wanna meet better quality men you need to raise your SMV.

Do NOT sign up for the dating apps UNLESS you can objectively view yourself as at least a 6.5 or a 7 on a good day SMV wise. Heres why. On the apps its like 90% dudes 10% girls thus theres a massive supply gap. thus you'll have a lot of dudes that r fighting against the numbers and just trying to desperately get any matches. thus you'll see alot of women who r 5s matching with 7s or 6s matching with 8s. purely based on supply demand numbers.

You dont want to be in this scenario BECAUSE most likely if theres a massive gap in SMV between partners that unless you bring something else to the table like being a sugar momma basically you 'll b stuck in the short term bucket and /or riding the carousel. A great personality wont overcome a ST bucket but a great personality will determine your LT bucket potential if you're on the cusp. but if you dont have the initial SMV unless that dude is really desperate most likely you wont get put in the LT bucket. And you dont wanna be riding the carousel cuz that shit will make u bitter AF.

So lots of men when first picking a partner they will set their minimum at the 6/10 mark then at that point begin the process of determining whether a girl is in the ST or LT bucket. Also what influences the LT bucket also can be influenced by the barney stinson hot crazy graph. Dont worry about that for now. Anyways sounds like for you u dont wanna be in ANY short term buckets. However even if you write that you seeking LT on the apps many men wont even read your profile and probably just swipe purely based off your initial picture.

Now you wonder how do we raise the SMV? So SMV can more or less be broken down into 50% face 40% body 10% style.

So you mentioned you have bad acne. Skincare is very very important. you mentioned you have acne issues. if its bad go to a derm doc and figure out a routine ASAP. If its like not that bad ie like acne covering less than 10% then go on youtube and search for cheap good products. Avveno Oats has a good line according to a female derm doc channel ive seen. Face SMV is fairly objective depending on magazines and american societal standards. BUT having clear skin can bump you from a 4 to a 6. After getting skin care down then id suggest looking up youtube tutorials on doing modern trendy eye makeup. generally when we approach new people there will always be eye contact and having seductive eye makeup can bump u up a half point.

in terms of body SMV this can b more complicated cuz men generally get bucketed into types. whether it being a boob guy or a ass guy or a hips guy. now 2 of those r genetics but building a big butt can b doable with the right diet ie lots of protein. so id suggest first doing a cut getting your waist down to like 4. and then doing a bulk and to gain like 20 pounds via protein and focusing on glute workouts. Having a shapely round butt not necessarily huge with nice shape in light blue jeans that ride the curves can also bump u up a half point.

In summary: get skincare down. search eye makeup. cut waist to a size 4. bulk up working on glutes. combined this will bump you from a 5 to a 7.

So im sure lots of people who read this will think im a MASSIVE piglet but whatever snarf snarf. I saw your honest questions and decided to write from heart.

AutoModerator · 2023-06-19T05:00:09+00:00

Title: Strong desire to start dating again, but can't seem to attract the type of man I am looking for

Full text: Hello RPW, sorry for the long/detailed post ahead! I'm 20 and I'm really hoping to start dating again, as I have been single for exactly a year now, and have a strong desire to marry young. I have never had much luck with guys throughout my life. I met my first boyfriend online (by chance, not on a dating app). We dated for over a year, and he ultimately left me because he wasn't attracted to me (ouch). His lack of physical attraction towards me was the only reason he broke things off. He's the only guy I've ever been with. I am a Christian dating strictly for marriage, and I'm saving my virginity for my future husband.

Other than my ex, I have never been on a date in my entire life. I've never even been asked out on a date either, not even once. I was completely invisible to men up until I met my ex, but have noticed that I am starting to get male attention here and there after I started putting more effort into my appearance. However, I can't seem to attract anyone who I'd even consider dating. I have only been able to attract men who are unattractive (objectively, I promise it's not just me being picky), overweight, or 2-3x my age. I have very recently started to get cold approached (it's happened 2-3 times this month), but these men don't want anything but a hookup.

I have never once in my life had mutual attraction with a guy (other than my ex, but I don't even think it counts because of why the relationship ended). It's either me liking a guy and he doesn't like me, or the guy likes me and I don't like him. Yes, I am picky because of my female nature, but I am not ridiculously picky. I have been interested in many guys that I felt zero physical attraction towards initially, and try to focus on guys within my own league.

This could all mean that I'm significantly more unattractive than I had previously thought, but I really hope this isn't the case. I have been told in the past that I am exactly a 5, but could improve to a 6 if my acne cleared up. I am not overweight by any means, I have been an active all my life and have a relatively thin/athletic frame. I have also been told that I'm cute, but don't have any sex appeal. I dress modestly and don't wear anything tight/cropped/revealing.

This year I have grown my hair out, improved my wardrobe, started wearing necklaces and painting my nails, as well as a few other small changes. In the past, my wardrobe consisted of mostly just hoodies, leggings, and athletic sneakers. Now I mostly wear skirts and dresses. I used to have shoulder length hair that I'd only wear up in a ponytail, and now I wear my long hair down. I used to avoid any makeup, nail polish, and jewelry. Now I paint my nails, wear very light makeup (just concealer, and the occasional tinted lip balm), and wear a little bit of jewelry.

I have been told by multiple men these same few things:

1) "You are the nicest/sweetest girl I've ever met in my life."

2) "You have the best personality out of any girl I've ever met in my life."

3) "You are perfect wife material, you are going to make a man so happy some day."

I am extremely traditional and anti-feminist, which often throws men off guard when I talk about it in conversations. They are very impressed by this, tell me that they have so much respect for me because of this, and tell me that my personality is extremely attractive. I am flattered by the compliments, but I rarely receive compliments based on my physical appearance (but on the bright side, two guys called me pretty this month, which is a first!). I feel like I am friendzoned. Men love and appreciate my personality, but I'm simply not attractive enough for them to actually want to date me.

I have been told that online dating would be helpful for me. Online dating is a last resort option for me, as I really want to meet a guy in real life. I don't want to seem "desperate" and have to seek guys out myself (online) as a result of not being able to find a man IRL (since I know a lot of men in my social circle). My social circle is very solid (my church and my college ministry), and there are 4-5 guys from those circles that I'd totally be down to date. None of them are actively pursuing me, and I don't know how long I should wait for this to happen before "giving up" and going on the apps. Should I set a timeline for myself in regards to this? I originally told myself that if nothing happens to me romantically by the end of the summer, I'll begin to look for a man online.

I feel sad and discouraged, but I'm working on accepting my place in the "greater chain of being". The amount of male attention I'm getting is increasing, but I'm still not "casting a wide enough net" to attract guys that I could see as a future husband prospect. Are there any other changes I can make to improve my SMV/physical appearance? Any advice regarding my situation is welcome. Please be kind though (I am sensitive, lol😅). Thank you so much for taking the time to read all of this!

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AutoModerator · 2023-06-29T00:59:12+00:00

Title: Strong desire to start dating again, but can't seem to attract the type of man I am looking for

Full text: Hello RPW, sorry for the long/detailed post ahead! I'm 20 and I'm really hoping to start dating again, as I have been single for exactly a year now, and have a strong desire to marry young. I have never had much luck with guys throughout my life. I met my first boyfriend online (by chance, not on a dating app). We dated for over a year, and he ultimately left me because he wasn't attracted to me (ouch). His lack of physical attraction towards me was the only reason he broke things off. He's the only guy I've ever been with. I am a Christian dating strictly for marriage, and I'm saving my virginity for my future husband.

Other than my ex, I have never been on a date in my entire life. I've never even been asked out on a date either, not even once. I was completely invisible to men up until I met my ex, but have noticed that I am starting to get male attention here and there after I started putting more effort into my appearance. However, I can't seem to attract anyone who I'd even consider dating. I have only been able to attract men who are unattractive (objectively, I promise it's not just me being picky), overweight, or 2-3x my age. I have very recently started to get cold approached (it's happened 2-3 times this month), but these men don't want anything but a hookup.

I have never once in my life had mutual attraction with a guy (other than my ex, but I don't even think it counts because of why the relationship ended). It's either me liking a guy and he doesn't like me, or the guy likes me and I don't like him. Yes, I am picky because of my female nature, but I am not ridiculously picky. I have been interested in many guys that I felt zero physical attraction towards initially, and try to focus on guys within my own league.

This could all mean that I'm significantly more unattractive than I had previously thought, but I really hope this isn't the case. I have been told in the past that I am exactly a 5, but could improve to a 6 if my acne cleared up. I am not overweight by any means, I have been an active all my life and have a relatively thin/athletic frame. I have also been told that I'm cute, but don't have any sex appeal. I dress modestly and don't wear anything tight/cropped/revealing.

This year I have grown my hair out, improved my wardrobe, started wearing necklaces and painting my nails, as well as a few other small changes. In the past, my wardrobe consisted of mostly just hoodies, leggings, and athletic sneakers. Now I mostly wear skirts and dresses. I used to have shoulder length hair that I'd only wear up in a ponytail, and now I wear my long hair down. I used to avoid any makeup, nail polish, and jewelry. Now I paint my nails, wear very light makeup (just concealer, and the occasional tinted lip balm), and wear a little bit of jewelry.

I have been told by multiple men these same few things:

1) "You are the nicest/sweetest girl I've ever met in my life."

2) "You have the best personality out of any girl I've ever met in my life."

3) "You are perfect wife material, you are going to make a man so happy some day."

I am extremely traditional and anti-feminist, which often throws men off guard when I talk about it in conversations. They are very impressed by this, tell me that they have so much respect for me because of this, and tell me that my personality is extremely attractive. I am flattered by the compliments, but I rarely receive compliments based on my physical appearance (but on the bright side, two guys called me pretty this month, which is a first!). I feel like I am friendzoned. Men love and appreciate my personality, but I'm simply not attractive enough for them to actually want to date me.

I have been told that online dating would be helpful for me. Online dating is a last resort option for me, as I really want to meet a guy in real life. I don't want to seem "desperate" and have to seek guys out myself (online) as a result of not being able to find a man IRL (since I know a lot of men in my social circle). My social circle is very solid (my church and my college ministry), and there are 4-5 guys from those circles that I'd totally be down to date. None of them are actively pursuing me, and I don't know how long I should wait for this to happen before "giving up" and going on the apps. Should I set a timeline for myself in regards to this? I originally told myself that if nothing happens to me romantically by the end of the summer, I'll begin to look for a man online.

I feel sad and discouraged, but I'm working on accepting my place in the "greater chain of being". The amount of male attention I'm getting is increasing, but I'm still not "casting a wide enough net" to attract guys that I could see as a future husband prospect. Are there any other changes I can make to improve my SMV/physical appearance? Any advice regarding my situation is welcome. Please be kind though (I am sensitive, lol😅). Thank you so much for taking the time to read all of this!

Edit: I just wanted to say thank you for all of the thoughtful comments! They really mean a lot, I really appreciate each and every one of them. I will reply to them as soon as I get the chance!

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Title	Strong desire to start dating again, but can't seem to attract the type of man I am looking for
Author	rpc_e
Upvotes	22
Comments	15
Date	June 19, 2023 5:00 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/14d4yt0/strong_desire_to_start_dating_again_but_cant_seem/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/strong-desire-to-start-dating-again-but-cant-seem.1222932 https://theredarchive.com/post/1222932

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