At 24, I’ve never had sex, never been hugged, kissed, nor have I even held a guy’s hand.

I’m in my early twenties and I’ve spent all of those potentially fun birthdays the way I’ve lived for the past decade—absolutely alone in my room, laying on my bed, on my phone.

I’m certain this is due in part to being a woman of color raised in a white evangelical community from ages 8-18. I came out of those years genderless, emotionless and severely disturbed psychologically. (See r/maladaptivedaydreaming) I don’t understand pop culture. I never know what people my age are into. I only found out Lizzo existed this week.

But I’m trying to convince myself it’s not over. I’m 5’8, my bmi is right around 20 and if I try, (with enough fake hair and makeup) I could be conventionally attractive.

Since I was raised by a lazy, narcissistic mother, however, I was never taught how to manage my looks—hair, makeup, skincare, fashion.

I tried it once during covid. I worked as a barista and decided to use my abundance of free time to attempt to looksmax. I bought some makeup and tried the best I could (just copied a product list from a makeup vlogger’s video description). I bought a new wig (my mom severely damaged my scalp when I was 12), got my nails done, and bought a cute apron to go with my uniform.

When I walked into work the next day, I received 0 compliments and people would avoid making eye contact. I looked THAT bad. The gay guy I was sort of friends with avoided me from then on and never spoke to me again.

So I haven’t really tried since.

I’m writing this because at the moment, I’ve struck enough luck to have the opportunity to study abroad in Central Europe for an entire academic year. I leave in one month.

While I’m there, I really really want to make an effort to live the normal, happy life any other woman in her twenties would. I’ve never been to a bar or club.

I’ve never been to a game. I’ve never been to a concert. I’ve never hiked or traveled with anyone before. I’ve never had a group of friends.

But I want to try this time, like REALLY try to have something like this. It just looks so fun and I want to go too without feeling like “the thing who tagged along”.

It’s happened too many times. When I studied abroad in Japan, I dropped the ball during that opportunity. The other Americans in my cohort saw how I wasn’t a good conversationalist and couldn’t relate to them at all. So I ended up spending the entire 4 months alone in dorm bed on the internet and severely dissociating.

Some day I would like a family.

I’m a very sensitive and feeling person. I think I’m just tired of having all of this love in me and wanting to share it, but always being met with “lol, yuck”.

What can I do? How can I make sure I make something of my time abroad? Should I wait until I’m back home and more rooted?

I would just like to be a good wife and mum someday and have a nice family. How can I work to attract the right man, preferably a husband?

I’m just really really sad.

Edit: Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. Each comment is incredibly helpful and I look forward to continue my improvement journey this week :)

I’ll continue to walk, and realize it’s OKAY to stumble. What’s not okay is staying down. Thank you all again!