Hello all, I’m not sure if this is the correct place to post so re-direct me if not. It will be long, so bear with me. Thank you :)

I just made my first post in this subreddit yesterday so feel free to take a look if you want to know more about me. But just the basics, I’m 24, work in social media (promoting conservative values, etc.) I work with my current bf who’s in his 30s. Anyway, my social media stuff has grown a lot and we make a decent living and are expanding. Decent doesn’t mean high at all lmao, but it will one day hopefully. My coworkers, if I can even call them that, are fellow social media people who talk about similar topics. For the most part they are older men and women (most women my age are woke, etc).

I am attractive (though girl next door) and this in part has of course helped my following. I post very little on social media and no provocative photos. As of lately I am cutting IG as much as I can b/c it has rlly taken a toll on me and am really on a journey of getting closer to God, becoming more modest, etc.

So here’s my issue. One of my ‘coworkers’, aka a girl who does similar topics, is a girl who’s 4 years younger and more beautiful than me (I'm 24, she's 20, I'm like a 7, she's like a 9). She’s extremely eloquent and feminine, and her following isn’t as large because she works alone (whereas I work with a team, though who knows, it could also be due to my own charisma, etc.) I have no problem with this and wouldn’t be necessarily jealous of her. In fact, I have collaborated with her, we follow each other, and like each other. (I actually have a lot of admiration towards her).

Here’s why I struggle with envy. This girl has been going to the gym for many years and has the typical IG baddie look. She posts provocative pics and stories on IG constantly. In her eyes I am sure they’re not provocative, as they’re pics in the gym, etc., or at the beach now that it’s summer, but she’s constantly in a bathing suit, tight gym clothing, tight dresses, just overall immodest clothing. As you can imagine, she looks extremely sexy and is receiving LOTS of attention. When I was her age, I was also into this baddie look and used to post lots of pics. Now that I’m a bit older, in a serious relationship with an older guy, looking forward to marriage and kids, getting closer to God, I’m really done posting pics to get male attention (no good for my mental health), and am really looking forward to becoming more elegant and classy in my way of clothing. However, every time this girl posts which is almost everyday lol, I struggle severely with envy. I don’t wish her bad—like I said I like her personality—but I envy not only her beauty, but also the attention she receives, and cannot help but feel competitive and miss the days when I dress provocatively and post that kind of stuff. And see so clearly the rewards she gets for being that way, and struggle to see mine (and I know that's the issue).

And just feel like because we do the same job, anyone will compare us and see her as "better." Younger, better looking, etc. When two people do the same thing, it's hard not to compare. Especially in a world that values women mostly for their looks. When I used to post like that, I felt quite empty inside and so I genuinely think that she’s addicted to the validation, and likewise feels or will feel empty. Another thing is the fact that she promotes conservative values like myself and yet is half naked on social media, and no one calls her out for it?

I am currently working a lot and losing fat (so that I may build muscle later), and I naturally have a curvy body like hers, but because I’m losing fat I am getting quite skinny and have lost my boobs. Some weeks ago I was telling boyfriend that I was insecure about this/considering breast aug and he told me, knowing I admire this girl’s beauty, that she was beautiful and had small breasts like me. I immediately started crying because I felt compared (when I compare myself to her already), and she actually does NOT have small breasts at all. I know he didn’t mean it like this and really apologized, and said no woman compared to me for me, but it still hurt.Like I said, I do this job with my partner and so we have access to the same IG account that follows her. I feel extremely insecure that he sees her photos everyday. Another friend of his works with us and I once caught the friend texting my boyfriend a picture of an attractive girl on social media, so I’m sure they’ve done the same with her (tbh it doesn’t particularly bother me that they do this b/c virtually all men do, and I myself used to send pictures of attractive men to my girlfriends when I had them, or fantasize about men I've seen on social media.

Anyway, I’m sure he doesn’t care about her nearly as much as I do. Him and his friend were doing business stuff the other day and I heard them say that her posting those kinds of pics draws the wrong attention (though I’m sure they still fantasize with her). But I just want to be free of this obsession I have with her. I deleted my IG app but I still check sometimes on my laptop. She recently broke up with her boyfriend and posted a photo of her in a supercar, so clearly she’s with some other guy. I know this is irrational and probably the most insecure thing you’ll read today. But I just need someone to talk to, I guess. I started therapy (have only had 1 session) but that’s every two weeks, though of course I will ask for help on this.

I suppose I am so obsessed with her because she represents everything I secretly wish I had but don’t/can’t. From blue eyes and blonde hair (I’m latina/brunette), big boobs and a huge ass (attainable for me but not any time soon), posting all these sexy pictures and receiving all this validation, and somehow still managing to be followed on conservative topics, and just everything that comes from being in your absolute peak of sexual market value. I’m 24, while she’s 20, and in a whole different path, and yet I cannot help but compare myself, resent her while I stopped posting/dressing provocatively, etc., being in a relationship instead of dating, and as a result I guess mourning what I once had, too (that I don’t want back, but will never have again, but I do miss I guess? Idk)

It wouldn't at all surprise me that she likewise compares herself to me, as I do have a larger business, I'm still in a relationship, I don't post excessively/show stuff, and she comments on my stuff sometimes.

I would just like someone who’s gone through similar stuff to help me out. As of now, I’m avoiding IG as much as possible but I do fall back sometimes. This has happened to me in the past with other girls as well—that I just put them on a pedestal and become obsessed with them, whether co-workers, my ex’s ex, etc. So clearly I become addicted to it, in. away. I told my mom about it and she doesn’t get it, as she claims that I’m beautiful and charismatic myself, and I’m my own unique person. But I can’t stop feeling bad every time I hear her name or see her come up (which is often, as once again we do the same job). I guess I will continue to pray on it and will ask my therapist for help.

Thank you for reading this, if you did. Means the world to me