I was scrolling through IG today and someone I knew from high school went live and I got the notification (haven't spoken to her in years). My nosy, curious self decided to check it out and she's talking to a random guy and they see who's watching and the guy calls my name out and says I look like a fake face. Because my profile picture is a photo of me in a leather jacket with a retro tint (which I think looks cool imo). They were talking about meeting up and smoking their GOOD GOOD before they started looking at the comments.

I don't mind the passing comment because he doesn't know me at all. But what the girl said caught me. She said what every girl I knew said about me in the past (in HS). That I was sweet and nice. At face-value, there's nothing wrong with that comment AT ALL.

But from my old RP perspective, that was an old wound for me. What that says to me is that I'm boring, non-interesting, corny, a square. Or at the very least not someone to be admired or attracted to at all. That hit an old wound and made me start to dive back into RP rage. I quickly caught myself and held myself accountable for that because I clicked on the live and asked for it when I did.

I know HS doesn't matter anymore but when I was there my problem wasn't being liked by girls, it was being admired and desired by my female peers; the attractive ones and the ones that were attractive to me. I also never fit in despite playing sports and trying to talk to new people I met. I was always passed up for the more "exciting" ones and still am at 21 years old (a selfish thought I know).

I was branded as the "nice guy" not the "desired guy". Having that energy placed on me in my formative years stuck with me and still sticks with me to this day and motivates me to become better. Not as petty revenge for the past, but to be seen as a viable option and not passed by like the gift card section at a store.

Ultimately, my priorities are to become stable, start my life and hopefully start a family in the next 10 years or so. If I'm not desirable for that, then I'd rather have a roof over my head, stable living, with a job/career and a car that drives properly and never attract another woman for the rest of my God-given life than to ever be whatever is considered to be "playa" or interesting in today's sick and twisted context. If she thinks that being a pothead and partier, hanging around other potheads and playas is more worthwhile than a guy like me, then I'll live with that and accept it.

This is someone from my past and I know all women don't think like her. I believe most women are mature and don't think that a good man is corny. Idk if I am a good man, I don't think I'll ever be. I definitely have more things to work out but I'm trying my damndest. Maybe I am 100% wrong and wasting my time talking about it. Either way, I'm open to hearing y'all out.