How can I have him understand that he hurt me without “nagging”

Jenneapolis · 2023-11-01T15:30:07+00:00

Have you read Laura Doyle’s approach to expressing pure desires and fascinating womanhood’s approach to childlike anger? This would be a good starting point.

I think the short answer here is pick your battles first. If it is something you can let go, let it go. A lot of times I think these conversations make men upset because they often let our mistakes go and don’t talk to us about it so when we do for them, they feel frustrated because we don’t give them the same grace they give us.

If there’s something absolutely critical you need to talk about which will happen, then try some of the strategies from the books. But definitely ask yourself if losing the intimacy between the two of you as worth the talk. Most times it’s not and in your case I suspect it’s not because you are worried you are “letting him get away with it.” You aren’t the one in control of him and if he always feels like he’s failing, eventually he might just leave.

IcarusKiki · 2023-11-02T04:48:20+00:00

Can you give some examples of how he’s hurt you? It’s hard to tell if he’s seriously being hurtful or perhaps you are a little too sensitive

ArkNemesis00 · 2023-11-01T14:27:47+00:00

Have you tried reflecting on if there was something you did to hurt or upset him, and opening with an apology about that? Starting a conversation by putting 100% of the responsibility on him isn't likely to go well. The only times I haven't done something to contribute are if my husband is just having a terrible day outside of our relationship and in those situations you just stay out of their way. I also suck when I'm stressed with my own stuff or tired/sick/hungry and my husband accepts that. He also knows the best way to get me to apologize, is to apologize himself. He can end arguments in an instant this way, it's like a superpower. He understands and accepts how I operate and what I respond well to.

Your best bet with these conversations would be to leave it short, sweet, and then walk away. Don't phrase it as "talking about it" when it sounds like you mostly want to vent/fish for an apology. Say "I want to communicate to you something that upset me, and then we move forward." Keep it to a couple sentences, thank him for listening, then walk away and give him time to digest. Don't expect him to have some great response right then. People get emotional and defensive and have to work through that before they can have a quality response.

Lastly, try to examine his actions more than his words. Maybe he hates these conversations, but is he slowly improving over the weeks? Have any changes been made? Would you rather someone that made you feel good but never changed, or someone who changes but is bad at talking about it?

youllknowwhenitstime · 2023-11-01T19:27:05+00:00

Can you give two different examples of scenarios that led to this? Without more context, it sounds like the issue MIGHT be that you feel hurt until he resolves a situation exactly how you think it should be resolved, when accepting other responses might be wiser.

Therandomderpdude · 2023-11-01T20:43:31+00:00

Have you asked how he feels?

This is not ment as a personal attack.

I used to upset my boyfriend a lot when I only expressed my feelings about something, making it seem like I blamed him for everything.

Instead I try to ask how he is feeling about the issue, and how I interpret his actions and words, and how that makes me feel.

Then I listen without interrupting when he explains how he interpret my words and actions and how that makes him feel.

This has helped us see both perspectives and find ways to compromise.

Mommy_Koala · 2023-11-01T14:15:08+00:00

Take a newspaper, roll it up, and boop him on the nose with it.

Sounds silly huh? It’s not your place to “hold him accountable” or punish him. You can’t force him to understand and validate your feelings. That you even want to highlights the problem. This sounds like a control issue.

Learning to let things go isn’t the same as “letting him get away with it”. It’s about living with grace and mercy and not letting resentment into your marriage.

Forsaken-Savings4370 · 2023-11-02T12:46:29+00:00

I love the Instagram, “thesecurerelationship”

She gives really great sayings to express what you did and how to express what they did that made you feel hurt while still acknowledging and understanding how they feel so they feel validated.

Like a “I understand when that you feel x, y, and z when I bring something up to you. That’s fair and I recognize in myself that I’m doing x, y, and z. At the same time, I felt… x, y, z. And I’m hoping we can address this together and I love you, care about you, and want to grow with you”

2023-11-01T15:26:38+00:00

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AutoModerator · 2023-11-01T12:54:31+00:00

Title: How can I have him understand that he hurt me without “nagging”

Author pinkmwah

Full text: Hi beautiful ladies. I am seeking advice on how to compose myself when he has done something to disappoint me.

I express how hurt I am, but this always backfires. He tells me to stop being “bad vibes” and that he’s not enjoying speaking to me. So what can I do better?

Perhaps he doesn’t enjoy talking to me when I do this because I am criticising him? Is that the issue here? (When you did X it made me feel Y and affected me like Z. And that’s too “bad vibes” because I’m talking about my pain and “blaming” him. Is this the issue? I shouldn’t blame or criticise him for hurting/disappointing me?)

I want to let it go, but I then feel like he wasn’t held accountable. That he “got away” with upsetting me with no consequences. So how can I have him understand that he hurt me without “nagging”.

I get the impression that he’s trying to say, “I already understand how hurt you are, stop going on about it”. But I feel like he doesn’t understand, that’s what frustrates me! How can I make him understand?

Or maybe he does understand and I am unsatisfied with his response. I want him to fix things, but I don’t want to beg him to fix things. But I want him to know that I want him to fix things…

I don’t want to be unattractive when I do this. How can I handle this in a feminine way? Thanks in advance.

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Title	How can I have him understand that he hurt me without “nagging”
Author	pinkmwah
Upvotes	11
Comments	28
Date	November 1, 2023 12:54 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/17lbglm/how_can_i_have_him_understand_that_he_hurt_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-can-i-have-him-understand-that-he-hurt-me.1236988 https://theredarchive.com/post/1236988

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