I need to forgive his sexual past but don't know how.

fossacecak · 2024-01-31T07:28:52+00:00

RPW perspective is that breaking up is rarely the first or only option, but I believe that only holds true in cases where both partners do not exhibit a major flaw (addiction, abusive, cheating, etc.)

I don’t think any woman should stick around to hold a man’s hand while he sorts out a serious porn addiction. Not when we have choices, have the ability to leave and find someone more suitable, and live in a time where women need to have more respect for ourselves. Porn addiction can destroy a partner who has to deal with the fallout and the (justified) insecurity that follows.

With that being said, I don’t think any man should stick around after their woman has cheated. And, vice versa. Being cheated on is a gut-wrenching experience, even if it seems like it motivated him in some way. He’s still a human being who feels emotional pain.

It’s OK for you to not be able to get over this. But be honest with yourself, and then him, about that. You can’t force yourself to be alright with things you just aren’t alright with. Bring the truth to the table: there is resentment and frustration, a compatibility problem (why did he even enter a relationship with you if he is attracted to something you’re not?), and it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

Good relationships make us women thrive, feel happy, safe to be vulnerable and feminine and be ourselves. Good men make us feel desired and respected. Good women remain faithful to their partners, or they find the courage to leave.

JustAnotherBoymoder · 2024-01-31T07:02:29+00:00

Between you having sex with someone else (even if separated) and him being blatantly disrespectful towards you about his preferences and sex, it really seems like neither of you respect the other. How do you feel in terms of respecting him and him respecting you? Oftentimes the man will make the woman feel unloved, which results in her not respecting him, which results in the man not giving the woman love, which continues into a terrible cycle.

feral-pixi-starling · 2024-01-31T08:39:26+00:00

he hasn’t changed he just doesn’t want to lose all you provide.

Deliaallmylife · 2024-01-31T15:29:43+00:00

It is not always possible to forgive and move on even when you want to. But as you say, there are kids and it's your marriage so it's certainly worth a shot.

What have you guys done/what are you guys doing to work on this. Even though he's been off porn for a year, it sounds like you've only been "turning the page" for a month or two?

AutoModerator · 2024-01-31T06:35:02+00:00

Title: I need to forgive his sexual past but don't know how.

Author Few-Laugh-6508

Full text: My (38f) husband (39m) previously had a porn addiction and has been in recovery a little over a year. We separated a few months ago because of his addiction and his constant lying. He finally wanted to change after I slept with someone else and he realized I really would leave. Married 15yr, together 17yr.

Initially reconciliation was going well, then I fell right back into the same pattern. I get triggered by his past and don't trust that he is honest. For reference, he started having to fantasize about porn or other women to even be with me when I was pregnant, then progressively stopped having sex with me altogether. Before he quit porn he didn't touch me for almost five years. He admitted right before we separated that he slept with me while closing his eyes and imagining the super hot waitress we had while we were on date night that night (who was literally almost 20 years younger than him).

Here is the issue; he is showing me he really is sorry, but I can't accept it because everything he ever did was in secret and I know I'm not his physical type. His type is tan/blonde with huge breasts (he once said that is his absolute favorite thing about a woman), tiny waist, big butt. He has always said titty fcking is one of his favorite acts. I'm fair skinned, smaller breast, average waist, medium size butt. At a healthy weight titty fcking is not an option. I resent the hell out of him for this... most men would be thrilled to get bl*wjobs all the time, but he wishes he could have the thing I can't give him.

He says that doesn't matter anymore, that he loves me and never wants to risk losing me again. I want to believe him, but I don't know how. I can't go out in public with him because its too much. I get enraged every time I see a woman that fits his ideal. Also important to the story...we have amazing sex, but I am the high libido partner. He was high libido when it was porn/lust, but is lower when its just me. His isn't low per se, but once or twice a week doesn't bother him in the least. Yes all his levels have been checked and are fine. Yes I have done everything possible to make sure the sex is amazing for him.

How do I even reconcile if I can't move on? How do you move on from this?

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Educational_Change62 · 2024-01-31T08:23:43+00:00

This does not answer your question, but is an unsolicited rant about a semi-related topic.

It is common to hear that for men sexual desire is purely physical/visual, while for women sexual desire has an emotional component. But that is not entirely true. Men also need a certain emotional stimulus from a woman to be sexually attracted to her, though it is much easier to build and maintain than for women. While there is an overlap with what women want emotionally from sex (e.g. intimacy, acceptance, being desired, etc), men also want a sexual partner who makes them feel strong, competent and in control.

It is not uncommon for men's sex drive to drop once they start "fighting" their porn use. I think it happens often when their partners take a combative approach to dealing with porn. When a man verbally acknowledges that his porn use (or more specifically, his innate drive that makes him want to use porn) is a problem to his sex partner, it changes that emotional nature of sex between them. It makes him think of his sexual desire as something flawed and shameful, which makes him feel weak and not in control.

This tends to be less of a problem for new couples, where the emotional highs of sexual novelty can compensate for weak emotional stimulus, but in the long run, it turns sex into a purely physical activity, similar to scratching an itch. The reduced emotional satisfaction from real sex leads to a decline of his sex drive, while also making porn an even more attractive substitute. This change makes the woman feel unattractive, which makes her even more vitriolic about his porn use and him even more disrespected and defensive, which locks them into a vicious cycle.

I do believe it is possible to have a good relationship where he consumes porn featuring women more attractive than she is, just like it is possible to have a good relationship where she consumes romance novels featuring men taller, richer and more successful than he is. It is not ideal, but it is possible. Attempts to change it are a delicate affair that require a lot of empathy. For this reason I find combative attitudes, like the religious "porn is a sin" and loveafterporn, very counterproductive. In theory, they promise to improve sex life and emotional intimacy, but in practice make it even worse.

What you want to forgive him for isn't his sexual past, but all the consequences of trying to fight it: his failure to fulfill his promises to change, his declining sex drive (and how that makes you feel), the fallout of him trying to verbalize his sexual preferences and porn habits, etc. To forgive and forget that is very hard. I think what would help is a real change. You managed to get him to change by committing infidelity and a threat of divorce. But is this the real change you seek? I think it is just more of the same, just further along the vicious cycle you have been stuck in for years. As futile as that may seem, perhaps the real change requires you to rethink the attitudes you held about porn all these years. After all, your real goal here isn’t to stop his porn use, but to have a happy relationship and satisfying sex life, regardless of porn.

SweetThing2k5 · 2024-01-31T12:12:43+00:00

Hi. I was in a similar situation. My ex cheated a few times, and then I eventually got emotionally unattached more and more over time and would emotionally cheat briefly, not long term, after each incidient, I always told him since he told me. You should divorce him, though. Men like this are often narcissists. The guilt will eat you up, and it's only natural that you do it. However, it is wrong to cheat, and it is on you for not leaving. You will feel bad about yourself and your relationship every day. My ex didn't even like porn, but he was addicted to the variety of different race girls, wanted many wives to have many children and beat Ghenghis Khan, literally. He was crazy. He almost didn't respect me wanting to wait for marriage, etc. I am so glad I never met him in real life. I knew him for a while, but he was a horrible person. A good man will let you wait for marriage, not ask for nudes, etc. He should take care of his pregnant wife, not cheat. You should leave. Don't think you're too old. Many women find someone good, family and career-oriented at your age. It is disgusting when a man tells you his type isn't you, is obsessed with girls despite being with you, etc.

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ColeIsBae · 2024-02-01T05:10:59+00:00

He's not low libido -- he's just low for a physical woman, because of his past with porn. And you're probably not super high libido per say -- you're just high libido for him because you've been outrageously starved of physical/sexual affection for him. Men are supposed to GIVE sexually and emotionally. Women are supposed to RECEIVE sexually and emotionally. When an addiction enters the picture, the first thing that dies is the man's ability to GIVE in that way to his wife. And then she becomes starved from RECEIVING.

I know this because I just broke up with a porn addicted partner and experienced the same thing, and then went on a deep dive learning about it.

My heart absolutely breaks for you.

If it's any consolation, his attraction to blonde women with big tits isn't as powerful/real as he actually thinks it is. It's just a channel for his distorted sexuality that helps him sort of "organize" it. IDK how to explain it better than that. But when it comes to love, it's clear that he actually loves you, given that he's stuck around and is trying to fix everything.

But that doesn't mean you're not completely shattered, angry, hurt, wounded, and low on trust. I experienced the exact same thing. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Really all I can recommend in this situation is prayer. I know it sounds cheesy, but I think it's all that can really help in this situation. (And in my "deep dive" on learning about how other couples have dealt with this, that also seems to be the glue that fixed everything once the husband was actually willing to do 12 steps and pursue recovery....prayer.) Hope this helps. Honestly wish I could give you a hug bc I know how shattering this is.

fossacecak · 2024-02-01T13:46:46+00:00

Regarding your comment:

" I got the book and listened to it. I'll try all this for a while, but I think we are going to run into a big issue because he doesn't want to be the leader in the relationship. He has also said he will never take over the finances.

No offense, but this book so far sounds like misogyny with a prettier bow. Never criticize, never give unsolicited advice, never make him feel like you have thoughts and feelings of your own. Let him do things like put the kids at risk, let him get the utilities cut off, let him ruin your credit, let him drive hours in the wrong direction, and never ever say a word about it so he feels powerful. A pleasant wife is a good wife. Just wow. "

I had similar thoughts when I first joined this sub, and I refused a lot of the advice here. I let it simmer for some time and slowly started realizing that my mindset before was not working in my relationships. I've had fantastic results following the advice here and from Laura Doyle, at times modifying things to fit different needs/dynamics.

It's not misogyny wrapped in a pretty bow, it's respecting your partner. It's treating them like our men instead of like a child or teen, allowing them to make and learn from mistakes and be a good leader. RPW pushes to look inwards and see how we are treating the men we love. Avoiding nagging, unsolicited advice, etc. is showing to our partner that we trust them and believe in them, because we love, trust, and respect ourselves enough to know we picked a great guy to form a relationship with.

After I got into the RPW stuff, I realized I allowed incompatible men into my space; abusive, cheaters, addicts, etc. Now I treat myself better than ever before in my life, and as a result it shows by having someone by my side who loves and cares about me, and deserves the respect and space that I give to be himself/figure things out on his own. He is my leader, my captain, and I feel safe and loved. I trusted my intuition that says he is right for me.

Perhaps RPW is not the place for you, or maybe you should read more and let the information simmer before deciding what's right for you. You can criticize it now, or you can go in with an open mind and a bit of humbleness. What you've been doing up until this point hasn't served you well, as we can see by your post history.

Just give it some time, give it a try. You can learn a lot here and still decide to move on from this marriage if you choose to do so. You don't have to put up with bad behavior from someone just because you're married.

ArdentBandicoot · 2024-02-03T02:50:29+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	I need to forgive his sexual past but don't know how.
Author	Few-Laugh-6508
Upvotes	10
Comments	79
Date	January 31, 2024 6:35 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1afbgad/i_need_to_forgive_his_sexual_past_but_dont_know/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-need-to-forgive-his-sexual-past-but-dont-know.1244262 https://theredarchive.com/post/1244262

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