Grown Apart

Big-Faithlessness792 · 2024-05-09T14:34:00+00:00

Update:

After i posted this i had to confront her. I broke down crying and explaining how i feel, and that she needed to make choices that showed she not only cared about her own well being, but our marriage. 4 months later and the only thing she has been consistently doing is therapy (which i cannot stress how proud i am of her) and sleeping all day. Her sleeping has caused so many snowball effects. I cannot work a normal day because i turn into single parent dad with her asleep. She wont help around the house and has not done anything to help her physical health. None of my other concerns were ever even addressed. And what the deal breaker for me was when she told me she did not want to do anything for our upcoming anniversary. It really felt like she quit on me and i have given up on her/us since she has. I care about her so much but at the same time she is not helping me with anything and not meeting my romantic/emotional needs (not sex but a date night more than once a year would be nice). We can't talk without her being defensive and fighting me. There is no "lets figure this out together and find solutions" or how can "WE" fight this and get "US" back. I've started contacting lawyers and am at peace with my choice. My hear breaks for my daughter but even she has said her behavior is hurting her. Now it's just a waiting game til i get a lawyer and move forward. I appreciate all the comments on this.

Peoniesandpopsicles · 2024-02-02T04:39:05+00:00

Be strategic, hope for the best but be ready for the worst. You sound like your daughter is big for you. Maximize your role as father/parent. Your daughter will want that and and it seems to be what you want. Back off on the work, then let your wife know it’s time for her to pull her financial weight. Then see what happens. If things are still crap you’ll be set up for a new life with your daughter 50% of the time and she’ll have the father she deserves. Anyways, that’s one option, there’s likely others. Just have a rationale plan, don’t let emotions drive you during this difficult period.

OkEmphasis5923 · 2024-02-01T18:40:16+00:00

If there weren't kids involved I would say leave. That's what everyone would say.

This all boils down to your kid and a decision that only you can make about a trade-off. Here's how to go about it. Assume your wife won't change. She may, but in all likelihood she won't. If you divorce now, you trade 50% of your time with your daughter plus alimony/child support for the opportunity to meet a woman who might give you what you need. If the opportunity to do that isn't worth it to you, don't divorce her yet. If it is, divorce her.

Think this through carefully. Remember, there's no expiration date to file for a divorce. You can do it tomorrow, next month, or next year. Get the imaginary woman of your dreams out of your head, she doesn't exist. Log into an online dating website and take a look at what's out there. Read the posts on the datingoverforty sub. That's going to be your life. If you're okay with the trade off, do it. Otherwise, wait until the day comes that you don't have to think twice about a little kid in the middle of this.

Flimsy-Ad-1959 · 2024-02-01T18:13:40+00:00

What are you doing to help yourself? I would recommend reading Dead Bedroom Fix and working our yourself first before moving on to divorce right away. Get yourself in a better place first. That way you'll be a stronger person if divorce is the best option.

Beamformer · 2024-02-01T16:27:27+00:00

I made mine go to therapy years ago, ie I'm leaving you if you don't do this. She went for quiet a few years and still does, I think. She wasn't going though to fix her denied cluster B problems or really work on herself. Her first one said, "I'm not here to diagnose your husband , if you don't want to talk about yourself, please find another therapist". So she did, swapping them out occasionally for reasons I don't know. I think therapy has value if the person shows up to work on their problems, mine did not..she was a victim in her mind. I went to the second one with her once, after months she had told her therapist nothing about her own dysfunctional childhood (or the one she was creating for our kid). I've watched all of her problems get progressively worse over time despite her years in therapy. Even her own lawyer told mine...she is crazy.

My GF happens to be a therapist, and she has helped me a lot over the last year in recovering from the decades of mental abuse my wife subjected our son and me to.

soontobesolo · 2024-02-01T15:10:02+00:00

Try therapy, by all means, but prepare for the worst. Talk to a lawyer about structuring things so that if you divorce, you won't be stung too badly. They will help your strategy immensely. Do it now.

In the case of kids, you need to document very clearly that you are the primary (or sole) caregiver. Schedules, logs, security video, etc.

iSurvivedltd · 2024-02-01T15:05:23+00:00

If you have really asked 12x and she has declined all 12x it's time to leave my friend.

She has no regard for you, your feelings, your daughter or the family. Sorry to say but she's selfish.

Either you put your feelings aside and "stay" or you put your foot down and leave.

Think about yourself-she is.

SkeptiCynical · 2024-02-01T14:57:50+00:00

If you didn't make the appointment for therapy, tell her the date and time, and then go to therapy with or without her, it will sound like you're "asking for approval and permission to attend therapy" than you are "committed to attending therapy".

Make the appointment and tell her the date, time and place.

Title	Grown Apart
Author	Big-Faithlessness792
Upvotes	9
Comments	14
Date	February 1, 2024 2:43 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1agcl86/grown_apart/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/grown-apart.1244336 https://theredarchive.com/post/1244336

Comments