High body count and pair bonding?

itsamatterofattitude · 2022-10-02T14:43:25+00:00

The two main issues with a discussion like this are whether or not monogamy is a biological drive or a social construct, as well as the inherent value of sex in any given dynamic.

If you believe human beings are hard wired to want to seek out and find one person to love and live with, then you place more emphasis on the sexual connection and are willing to accept that ones lack of desire for said relationship/commitment is directly proportional to their sexual experience.

If you believe that humans are naturally polyamourous, then it's easy to accept their desire for expanded relationships, sexual or otherwise, and that they don't fit the traditional mold of social sexual standards.

I think it comes down to opportunity: Some people struggle to find anyone to have sex with, let alone love them, and when they do, they hold onto it for dear life for fear of returning to a point of loneliness. Some people have never found themselves lacking love or willing partners, so they don't "value" those connections to the same degree. Even so, I think we all want someone to connect with and share our life and ourselves with. For some, it can only be one person. For others, it can be with more than one. It just comes down to what you desire and your ability to be transparent about those desires, and finding someone who accept and shares them.

Long-Review-1861 · 2022-10-02T13:26:57+00:00

I'm a dude and I've slept with a fair number of women and I've noticed a massive reduction in my ability to pair bond or care deeply. If the woman is boring or disappointing i just stop seeing her. Not being a prick it's just that you don't care so yes it definitely is a thing

ChicoBrillo · 2022-10-02T14:35:55+00:00

It feels true for me and my personal experience. I used to get super attached to everyone I dated, then I hit a promiscuous streak and now I have no interest in committed relationships.

Could be other factors as well, but yeah, I don’t really feel strong connections the way I used to

Ur_X · 2022-10-02T11:43:50+00:00

Well all I know is that divorce rate is at an all time high and the people getting married have been decreasing since the sexual revolution in the 70s.

Monogamy is a broken dream full of lawyers benefitting from “love”

2022-10-02T11:50:12+00:00

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beenpimpin · 2022-10-02T12:28:07+00:00

nah it doesn't. people who sleep around alot usually have pysch and emotional issues which is probably the reason they don't remain in commited relationships. correlation doesnt equal causation.

recyclablebanthas · 2022-10-02T13:34:06+00:00

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PrimordialXY · 2022-10-02T13:36:38+00:00

I'm curious about this topic as well but I think you shot yourself in the foot with the "especially women" portion, making everyone think this is an incel post when I didn't interpret it that way.

I'm not sure if partner count diminishes pair bonding ability in men and women over time. I've been with my wife for 8 years, married for 6, and we've occasionally hooked up with other women even having a live-in girlfriend for 2 years. None of this has affected our pair bonding but at the same time we already were pair bonded.

Perhaps there is some merit to diminished bonding capacity due to the repeated bout affect? Even with something as basic as kissing: the first few girls I kissed in my life I'd feel the sensation powerfully through my entire body whereas now kissing someone new just feels normal and not very special. Granted, teen hormones likely played a role and correlation =/= causation but it's still a noteworthy drastic difference. At the same time, having made friends in the past hasn't affected the feeling of making new friends.. with it being a type of bonding, shouldn't we also see a decrease with friendship bonding the more friends we've made?

I don't know, hopefully some others will chime in

2022-10-02T13:50:20+00:00

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natoris1 · 2022-10-02T14:05:59+00:00

As a woman who has a fairly high body count, it’s not that I am unable to pair bond, I want that more than anything. The problem is with all the experience I’ve learned what I want and want I don’t want in a bonded partnership. So for me to take it to a committed level, the right ingredients need to be there in the other person. It’s a combination of mental physical and spiritual bits. I think when a person has a lower body count they are more willing to settle for whatever is in front of them thinking it’s a great fit.. when you have experience with her variety of different partners, you start to understand what you will and won’t settle for. What’s going to last long term and what isn’t. And for the less evolved… they could just be bouncing around relationships not really knowing or understanding what they want… Just looking for the next best thing. But I see that is more of a personal problem than just having a high body count and being unable to pair bond.

2022-10-02T11:43:29+00:00

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yyyyy622 · 2022-10-02T12:52:23+00:00

A lot of people can switch partners without problems but have a low number of sexual relationships. Just because you can doesn't mean you will.

Scottishdutchess · 2022-10-02T12:12:33+00:00

Pair bonding is out of style

Lukezoftherapture777 · 2022-10-02T13:17:45+00:00

Pair bond lol 1st time i heard that. Ig its a fancy way of saying you “get along with each other”

Asaaddd · 2022-10-02T13:47:27+00:00

No

By 1970, 50 percent of single women and 40 percent of married women were participating in the labor force.(think this was a USA stat)

I saw someone else mention there being a sexual revolution and trying to fit that in with your "pair bonding/women having too much sex". While yes, people are more sexually fluid now and maybe that did start happening in the 70s. So many other things have happened too. Women's rights, women entering the work force, when you consider women having to have full time jobs as well as being the primary caretaker to kids and the house. Shit just ain't fair and people are realizing it's not worth marriage or "pair bonding" when things still aren't equal. Divorce rates are up and women just aren't putting up with the shit they had to back then.

150420throwaway · 2022-10-02T14:25:50+00:00

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recyclablebanthas · 2022-10-02T15:58:39+00:00

This post went a bit off the rails and turned into a flame war. So it had to be locked down.

That said, I’ll add a pinned comment as far as what scholarship there appears to be on this topic, as well as some not-to-distant history in the seduction community.

1

I had seen some studies floating around about oxytocin and pair bonding in humans. But one has to read the fine print to see that much of what’s out there doesn’t have data on this in humans.

Instead, they repeatedly refer to other animals like prairie voles. Which is reaching at best.

Gizmodo actually had what seems to be a pretty measured take on this topic

2

Another look at the data from around 2014 indicates that, while there’s data suggesting that people with more sex partners seem to end up less happy in marriage overall, it’s not clear whether these results are from lack of ability to pair bond, or simply being more aware that they’re in a bad relationship.

3

So, it’s unclear that more sex partners really means inability to settle down or “pair bond.” However, simply asking questions about this doesn’t make someone an incel. Half of the thread here was out of line and needs to remember Rule 4: Keep it Civil. Consider it a warning.

It wouldn’t have been hard to do what I did and find some articles or studies. Resorting to name calling and flame wars means you’re in the wrong sub.

4

Also relevant to the topic: Some seduction community history.

A few years back, a community veteran who used to hang with Style and Mystery, named Marco Bronx, posted a pretty sobering take on stuff going on behind the scenes with some of the biggest names in the community.

... Mystery and Style – the two most iconic figures of the seduction community – both became perfect examples of how NOT to have an LTR. .....I saw Mystery “closing” lots of beautiful women but he was always depressed about being alone. About not finding his pair bond(s).

After 5 years of seeing myself and other Pickup Artists failing in the love department, I learned that when it comes to dating, attraction matters – but when it comes to love, intimacy matters.

And this is where we run into conflict. Because if dating is based on a power dynamic then you must maintain that power.

.....all the techniques developed to demonstrate higher value naturally revolved around self-esteem and control – and most importantly, it directly opposed any intimacy. It’s totally destructive, long-term.

Source

So, while it’s not guaranteed that dating more people ruins your ability to “pair bond,” if you need therapy and you jump head first into seduction, you might unintentionally distract yourself from problems that will ruin your ability to settle down.

It’s a real issue in the community and we have seen it play out in a number of high profile members of the seduction community.

Take Style, famous for writing The Game. He got married, but found himself unable to keep from cheating, with one of his wife’s friends, no less. It took therapy for him to sort things out, though it apparently didn’t save his marriage.
And then there’s Mystery. He threw himself straight into the dating pool, hit the ground running, and the rest is history. But he clearly didn’t do enough work on himself if he was constantly failing at finding someone to settle down with. And then when he did settle down, he picked someone with whom he had a toxic relationship with. Someone who was keeping his kids from him.

5

The whole point being, this issue has some nuance. It’s not simply an incel thing to question whether throwing oneself into all completely unaware, focused on adding notches to our belts, is a good thing.

Some people legitimately ought to be in therapy and sleeping with a bunch of people will just multiply their problems.

But it’s not a guarantee of problems. Some people can be perfectly fine.

betterme2610 · 2022-10-02T14:13:12+00:00

The people here have all spoken. Time to take that information and move on down the road

Title	High body count and pair bonding?
Author	150420throwaway
Upvotes	249
Comments	80
Date	October 2, 2022 10:18 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/xtl9f3/high_body_count_and_pair_bonding/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/high-body-count-and-pair-bonding.1249056 https://theredarchive.com/post/1249056

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