I almost feel like this should belong in self, or relationship advice. But I'm not asking for advice, or any comments really. Seddit seems like an apt choice since this account is to chronicle my thoughts on relationships. I Just needed an outlet to write this down.

Halfway rebounding back into oneitis again with this girl I know. I've known her for a while now, and made some pretty unsuccessful moves in the past. Wanted to go to a concert a while back and asked a lot of my friends if they wanted to come with me, but they actually had obligations to that particular weekend. So I asked my friend who I have semi-oneitis with to come with me and she agreed. At the point when I asked her (a month and a half ago), I was pretty okay with myself and just intended to go as friends. Over that period, just hung out casually. I didn't think much of it, neither did she I am sure.

Concert comes, and we hang out the entire day together since we needed to travel out to another city to see it. Throughout the day we talk, one thing that came up sort of randomly was I asked why she doesn't have a boyfriend. She's quite attractive, I'm pretty sure she gets her fair share of getting hit on - and she says she doesn't want one since she wants to be in full control of her life (ambitious and focussed individual) and doesn't want to be tied down with a relationship and everything that comes along with it (which I respect and like actually). But,I feel like it's a response, and not really a true answer to the question.

The funny thing is I'm never quite myself when I'm around her and never really enjoyed myself for the entire day (save for when I ran into a friend who I haven't seen in ages). My energy level seemed down, and I was just kinda spacing out throughout the day. Even during the concert where I was really pumped about seeing, I just felt like I was in a semi daze and wasn't fully into it. I was never in the present, not quite enjoying myself. Throughout the day the conversations were never quite organic. There were some awkward lulls, but we did end up knowing each other more, sort of. One thing she mentioned I was one of her closer friends which I was thinking 'uh... cool, sure?'.

I'm pretty much in the friend zone, but I have a feeling that she doesn't really know what she wants either. I've resigned that we don't really click, and I consciously don't want to pursue anything with her. But in the subconcious, I think of her all the time.

Overall the entire day I felt was like a 6/10. It was okay, but not that great. I don't want to pursue anything with her. But even then right now as I'm typing this, another chunk of me is like "man, it would be great to actually date her!" - even though I know we don't really match. It's to the point where I just want to not do anything with her so I don't have to think about her all the time when I don't want to.

The worse part of everything is, I know I'm doing these AFC things. I seriously need to stop thinking about getting in a relationship, destroy the romantic in me and just get in the mindset of having some fun instead.

/end thoughts

I'm really tired of not feeling like I'm not shaping my own luck/being in control/in afc mode all the time. Inner game issues? I guess I'm kinda like the fatty girl growing up and turned into a hottie - but still feels like the fat girl. I nerded up growing up, was pretty chubby and out of shape, awkward as hell. Now I pretty much socialize like no tomorrow, fit, do interesting things but I suppose I feel like myself worth due to no experience with relationships is pretty much zero when it comes down to this area of my life.