No More Mr. Nice Guy

Gomez_AddamsXIII · 2012-12-13T03:23:17+00:00

Touching a lot of existentialism here mate, but let me give you my two cents.

As far the nice guy mentality goes, one of the most destructive parts of that way of thinking is the notion that, you need the people around you to be happy for you to be happy, now this at first sounds good, something totally positive, but is not, in reality what it is, is that you are putting your happiness/well-being after the happiness/well-being of the people that surrounds you. You make people the center of your universe... see where i go with this?

You my friend are the center of your universe, the most important thing in you life is your well-being. Because when you realize this, you will be a step closer to achieve real self-awareness and true happiness, your happiness.

And get down of your high hill, you are not a magic problem fixer, and are not freaking Dr Katz either, you offer to help people because you feel deep down that you are better than them, you are not, you are just another floating consciousness on this small ass blue planet. And the only people that can help one, is one-self. So like your friend, that has problems and you offer your shoulder, don't do that man, be for her as a friend, because when someone really needs you, they will make you know it, and you can help them to a point that does not affect your own personal life, remember never sacrifice of your own happiness for others happiness, because you always loose.

Lastly about the clothes part, sometimes you want too look good, and is for you, but it is also for the other people too, we are human beings, is part of or ego, embrace it, own it, make it your own.

Just do this a little mantra if it helps, every morning go to the mirror, take a good hard look, and say this person that i see right in front of me is the most important person in my universe, and his/my happiness is all that matters.

Hope this helps.

Cheers.

TheLordG · 2012-12-13T04:07:17+00:00

This book has changed my life too. If I'm ever not feeling 100% before I go out, I reread a few chapters and it brings me back to the happiest mentality I have ever felt. This book makes me love every minute of being me. I cannot recommend it more for anyone reading this subreddit, or any man.

As for the approval part, it does take a while. Just be aware of it and ask yourself if you are doing things for other people out of a desire for approval or just a desire to be nice. For example, I really wanted to tell one of my female friends about everything I have learned in the past few weeks. But I realized, before and after we hung out, that while it wasn't entirely for my own pleasure. I noticed that a small part of me wanted her to be interested in it and think I was being good, and be happy for me.

I realized that that small "needy pilot", if you will, has been leading my decisions for most of my life. Now you shouldn't necessarily get rid of this part of yourself, but instead, just be aware of it. Learn to ignore it and control it, instead of it controlling you. Because you never know when you actually should be doing something for someone else's approval. Use the needy pilot to provide extra incentive for things you do.

jjness · 2012-12-13T16:38:48+00:00

Be kind, not nice.

Meaning, be a good-hearted, kind person. Help someone out if you respect them and are willing to help them. Expect nothing in return; the joy you get in being able to help someone is its own reward. You don't hold him or her to any debt. You don't expect any favors in return. You smile because you've made a positive effect on someone's life.

Don't be "nice". Don't do things and keep a tally, or expect favors in return. If you've ever said "Well I gave you a ride last week, so you have to pick me up tomorrow" you're doing it wrong. If you've ever thought "I bought her roses and took her to that expensive restaurant. Why won't she just be my girlfriend?!" you're doing it wrong.

The underlying philosophy of this is that you validate yourself, and don't require others for validation. Look at yourself and remind yourself you're an awesome person and you're lucky to be you. Believe it. Once you love yourself, other people's validation is not required.

If you can't love yourself, then how can you expect others to love you?

Hopefully this helps you find your sense of self, your motives. The book itself described a few behaviors I have, but the underlying motives they laid out do not match me as much as Dr. Glover would believe. Same as you: I asked myself if I'm doing these things for his reasons, or for other reasons, and I determined that I have my own reasons for my behaviors, I listed them out as best as I can, and I'm working on identifying them as they happen and whacking the behavior into the ground as soon as that little mole pops its head up.

baianobranco · 2012-12-13T04:08:52+00:00

First off, human nature is complicated. There is no one book/philosophy that can describe everyone's situation perfectly or make a blanket general statement that applies to everyone. There is too much variance in nature and nurture between all of us.

That said, these are great tenants to try to follow if you find you are constantly putting the needs of others above yourself or always aiming to please/seek approval.

However, the fact is if you aren't a total selfish prick you are going to exhibit some of these traits sometimes with various people (family/friends/guys/girls) in various situations. This doesn't make you a doormat or a supplicating nice guy.

BulletDawg · 2012-12-13T15:08:17+00:00

This book makes so much sense. Thank you for sharing it.

another_throaway_ · 2012-12-13T17:44:58+00:00

The summary you make seems to fit me like a glove. Thanks, you gave me a whole lot to think about.

blahm3 · 2012-12-13T16:30:24+00:00

Sounds to me like you don't really know yourself yet and you need to do some of the breaking free activities in the book.

Try dressing different ways. Go to a salon and get a different hair cut. Do things your normally don't do. Go to different bars. Try meeting different kinds of people. Be an asshole every once and a while.

I did a lot of self exploration for a couple years. Dropped my religion. Dropped my friends and got new ones. Dressed lots of different ways. Slept with quite a few women of all different types. Used different methods of game from conversational game, physical game, direct game and misc combinations.

In end I found myself being a lot like who I once was. I am just a much better version of me who has a much more solid idea of myself. I no longer have to wonder about what its like to be like that guy, or what those types of girls are like. I have been that guy. I have been with that type of girl. I can be nice. I can be an asshole.

I find that who I am changes depending on where I am in life. I am able to change who I am depending on my needs. One day I might go to a fancy bar with fancy cocktails wearing nice clothes and another I will be at a dive bar wearing macho douche clothes. I have different social circles to access depending on who I want to be.

In Short go out and explore who you are. Identify your fears and break through them.

StubbA · 2012-12-13T15:43:50+00:00

I think your over thinking the details as someone said before. It's perfectly fine to have a female opinion when you go clothes shopping but remember its only an opinion. When you find yourself askin her to dress you thats when you should be worrying.

I don't think there is much wrong with being a nice guy. But any interaction must be two-way, for example: Your talking to a girl and your being your lovely self and suddenly she says something you disagree with.

Bad nice guy will agree with her or keep quiet. Good nice guy will have his own opinion, he may lace it with humour but the most important thing is that you have your own voice.

Being a nice enough guy myself(and being told by girls it was my 'problem' before I knew I had a problem) it becomes very obvious what's right and wrong.

If your having trouble with your judgement just think in any situation. 1. Am I trying to gain an advantage through unnecessary niceness. 2. Am I being manipulated myself because of my niceness.

Just don't turn into a demon though!

Sorry for editing, on phone.

TaylorSwiftFetish · 2012-12-13T22:52:25+00:00

To answer your question: Yes and no.

Things 'seem' true or false because of perspective. Many people raised in America will actually throw up and physically feel sick when being forced to eat crickets or grasshoppers. But in other countries, these are sold as food and eaten without any second thoughts.

What the Americans feel is absolutely real to them, there's no doubt about that. Likewise, you are doing those things that characterize you as a nice guy. And they feel right, smell right, make perfect sense, and doing or behaving any other way will give you real anxiety and you will adamantly object to it.

In order for you to see things differently you have to accept as a fact that what you are currently doing is incorrect and 'not you'. It won't feel right at first, but it will be ultimately liberating, kind of like getting a taste for alcohol for the first time.

In the case of you purchasing clothes, here's one way you can discern your motives: Were the female friend not there, would you have gone out and picked out those clothes by yourself? What brought up the situation... how did she know you needed help? Did you tell her that you're looking for a way to improve your appearance? If so, what prompted you to do it? Were you telling her this because you genuinely needed help and thought beforehand that asking her would be the right thing to do, or did it just naturally come out in a conversation, to make yourself appear a better person in her eyes by mentioning that you're on a quest for self-improvement? You have to ask these sorts of questions and answer them truthfully.

leodoestheopposite · 2012-12-14T01:24:07+00:00

OK, former Mr Nice Guy here.

I have read your wall of text, but I will address your question: Am I doing this for me? Or am I doing it for the validation of women? Is it not really what I want?.

The answer is YES you are doing this for yourself, because that's what you want.

Here's the rub: that is NOT attractive to the majority of women, and that's what brought you here.

Title	No More Mr. Nice Guy
Author	PosVibeEmanator
Upvotes	45
Comments	13
Date	December 13, 2012 2:16 AM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/14rfpi/no_more_mr_nice_guy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/no-more-mr-nice-guy.1344233 https://theredarchive.com/post/1344233

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