We need to talk about flaking...

Brannus · 2013-03-16T15:01:03+00:00

Why do they say they're keen to meet and then send you a cancellation message an hour before?

Emotions change, sometime in the matter of seconds. What was at first a very keen interest in meeting with you, has deflated into uncertainty and apprehension of meeting up with you. Great, you DHV'd, passed their shit tests, and got their numbers. However, a number doesn't mean anything more than an opportunity. There is no real guarantee she'll do X, or Y, or even Z.

If you want to feel better, you're not the first and you won't be the last guy who has had this happen to them. I don't think it's necessarily "female psychology", but more of buyer's remorse.

To the exact reasons why they flaked, who knows. We could probably spend hours thinking about the reasons why and still not arrive anywhere helpful.

I, personally, take it within the context of the each situation I am in. Sometimes, I use the Brad Pitt rule. If she won't make time for me, I won't make time for her. Move on to the next one (Unless she makes an effort to make another time to meet up. Let's face it, shit does happen). Other times, I see it as a mistake I made in the "attraction phase". I didn't develop enough rapport with her. I didn't attracted (or seduce) her enough for her to meet me again. Then it's calibration and/or "re-examining my game" time.

A bit long, but that is my two cents on this matter. Keep you head up though.

Edit: I probably should point out that it is one thing to intellectually understand this. It's a completely different to understand this emotionally. This is where not giving a fuck, being in the present moment, or outcome independent comes into play with your inner game.

locotx · 2013-03-16T16:26:05+00:00

Hard Truth: They don't want to be with you, otherwise they would have made sure they made the date . . OR . . the would reschedule as in (I can't make it, but he can we do dinner next friday ?) If they just cancel, move on. You forgot the rule of "Never be the hunter, always the hunted!"

meat_delivery · 2013-03-16T15:07:10+00:00

I'm a man and I've done this before with some girls (which I'm not proud of) and in retrospect I think I did it because I felt uncomfortable because I wasn't sure of my intentions.

Now why do girls do this? Simple answer: they have lost interest in a way. A girl that flakes twice on you is certainly very unsure about what she wants. Don't call her anymore, wait until she calls, else she's probably not worth your time.

Now why has she lost interest? Maybe you didn't build enough rapport, maybe you didn't make your intentions clear enough, and maybe she just gave you her number for no specific reason.. it's not so hard for a girl to give out a number. But where to go from there, that's important.

A little trick for this is when you get a number make plans already, set up a date right now and then. When, where. Also, when you get a number, don't leave yet, talk for some more minutes.

This whole flaking just before a date just shows that they are very unsure of the whole thing. Maybe you did something wrong, textgame maybe or in the initial conversation?

2013-03-17T00:18:05+00:00

People suck. That's what it comes down to. You're just trying to find the ones that suck the least.

I've had the exact same experiences, in fact I had one where the girl texted me to set up a date and then stopped replying shortly thereafter. The only common factor I've noticed with the flakes is they took a while to arrange because of scheduling conflicts. How long after getting the number were these dates scheduled for? I have had much better success when I keep momentum going and see her again within a day or two. Otherwise she loses the initial emotional high and she has time to wonder, "why am I going to meet this guy I don't know who just approaches me on the street? That's kind of weird. Maybe he's a creep."

deli_lama · 2013-03-17T00:49:59+00:00

I'd put it down to buyer's remorse. I can see where you're coming from (I'm also a techie, with a hyperrational mind). But women are more "irrational" (and I don't mean that in a negative way) when it comes to these things. Maybe when they met you their emotions got the better of them; but now, cooler heads have prevailed and they don't think it's worth the effort to go further.

Anecdote: I met this hot girl (HB8?) at a social event. Great body, great hair, smart. We talked, and she commented that she hated dating in this city (SF). So I asked her for her number, and promised to show her that not all men are clueless in this town. Then we disengaged. As the night was ending, she walked by and squeezed my arm as she walked by, saying "good night, nice talking to you". So I was all excited about this prospect.

I waited 2 days and then texted her, opening with a funny comment. She responded with "you're funny!". We chatted a little back and forth. This was Thursday. I asked her what she was doing Saturday, and she said she was busy. (Not being well-versed in PUA ways, I probably screwed up in a dozen places by now). I then pushed a little to set up a date for the following week; and she backed off. She ended with "I think I'll pass... we're not a good match" or something like that. Bummer!!

The thing that bummed me was: why would you give me your number if you didn't want to do something more? But, apparently, she didn't think that way. On the spur of the moment, she gave me her number. But later, she thought it over and probably thought I wasn't worth it. C'est la vie! (Though I still lust after her on occasion :( ).

Drop5Stacks · 2013-03-17T05:45:43+00:00

I would say depending on age (most guys in this subreddit are young) - girls just have a higher average 'dating market value' purely because they're girls. They will flake on guys more often in their youth because they are being hit on so often (guys are all going after girls in that 18-25 age bracket) and so young girls just naturally have so many more options than young guys.

This really only flips in the late 20's / early 30's, where the tables flip in favour of the guys (esp if you're single/unmarried and have your shit together). So if you're a young guy, I think it pretty much means - do your best to build attraction and build a strong connection with the girl when you first meet her, but also realise that girls will flake on you all the time. It's part and parcel of the game.

Gelnn · 2013-03-17T11:53:23+00:00

Must make a deeper impact. Try going for sameday closes and/or forget about outcome. Text "Lame" next time and immediately and aggressively next.

maestroni · 2013-03-16T14:55:41+00:00

Two options:

1) You didn't build enough attraction/comfort during the initial meeting and they decided they would rather not see you.

2) They had something better to do on that day. Also, Saturday morning is a really bad time for a first date because many people would be hangover/tired from going out on the previous night.

When my (male) friends and I agree on a time and place we stick to it

That's because they're your friends already. Most guys are also "flakey"/unreliable, unless you know them really well.

2013-03-16T17:36:11+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	We need to talk about flaking...
Author	flakee
Upvotes	5
Comments	24
Date	March 16, 2013 2:23 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1aer0e/we_need_to_talk_about_flaking/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/we-need-to-talk-about-flaking.1349027 https://theredarchive.com/post/1349027

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