How can I become less of a judgmental asshole and relate to people better? (LONG?)

HappyJerk · 2013-11-19T21:25:15+00:00

This is going to be an unpopular post, but hear me out:

You're going to have to learn to be fake.

One of the dogmas of our modern society is that people have to be "authentic," i.e., they have to tell you exactly how they feel at any given time. I think that's horseshit. There are a lot of situations where it is simply not appropriate to burden people with your thoughts and opinions, especially when you just met them. For example, you can't be "authentic" at work, or around people you just met. If I'm chatting with somebody in the line at the post office, I don't want to hear about their history of anxiety or how they hate the Jews. It's just not appropriate. I am a sarcastic and judgmental and opinionated too but I only let that out around people that know so I don't come off as a dick.

In the movies when a guy goes on a first date with a girl he pours his heart out to her and tells her about the most fucked up/weird parts of his life. In the real that doesn't work. The girls you date are going to have different interests than you and are going to know about different shit than you so you can't burden them with a long explanation of the philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche if they don't give a fuck. In the same vein, it would be rude of them to sit and talk to you about Christian Loboutin shows for 2 hours, even if that is what they were most passionate about.

Of course, you eventually need to develop authentic relationships with people in your life - but those kinds of relationships take a long time to develop. And even when they develop those relationships, there still may be shit that you can't talk about. I'm very liberal and I have conservative friends and I just know not to talk about politics with them because it won't go well and neither of us are going to convince the other.

itsmevichet · 2013-11-19T15:08:30+00:00

I don't know you, so take this with a grain of salt, but your judgmental behavior seems more like a symptom of you preserving your ego.

You mentioned that you've been bullied a lot, and that you're kind of egotistical, and you're probably kind of guy who instinctively tries to be right about everything. Even if being right about something costs you effort and brings you no benefits, you got to be right, and that meant you were "better than" someone for a minute.

If that's you, then I've been you, and the only way to get over is to really choose to stop being that way.

Number one, let go of your ego. It's imaginary. No one's tallying up the points, and no one is paying attention to your "life score" as much as you are. You may be judgmental with other people, but if your ego is running your life, no one gets your judgment worse than you do.

So let it go. Go to therapy if you need to. There's a lot of people like you - the middle children of god, as Tyler Durden called them in Fight Club. You think that you need to be better than everyone else or you've failed. You really don't.

Once you get that stick out of your ass, you can actually start enjoying life and appreciating people.

RandianHero · 2013-11-19T04:18:20+00:00

All right, I'm gonna lay some harsh truths down on you. Take it for what it's worth: I'm 35 and I've been doing this for over twenty years now. There is a lot of life experience behind these words.

Stop giving a fuck about stupid shit. Nothing is ever as big a deal as you think it is.
Other peoples' behavior only affects you as much as you let it. So there's zero point in judging others for stuff that doesn't impact your life in the slightest.
You're you. Let them be them. Everybody's experience is different, and while there is a lot of overlap, judging others for their perspective is a stupid and shitty thing to do. Don't be that guy.
Get out more. See the world. It's bigger than the pathetically small microcosm that currently makes up the entirety of your world.
Stop being such a spaz about vices like booze. You can have a drink without turning into a complete train wreck. It's called willpower, and only completely ineffectual pussies don't have it. People have fun in different ways, so stop begrudging others their right to have it.
No matter how "right" you think your opinion is, you know fuckall about the world. Your experience amounts to the grand summation of a 20-year-old in college. Other people have more experience on the tips of their cocks than you do in your entire body, so you have no business being so opinionated about anything. Go live an actual life before you even think about throwing your two cents in.
Your past is an excuse for your failure, not a reason. Countless people in worse situations than you have done more with less, so you have no right to whine about being bullied, or abused, or whatever the fuck. Man up and take responsibility for your situation.

sedditdee · 2013-11-19T06:41:10+00:00

anewman1993 wrote: How can I become less of a judgmental asshole and relate to people better? (LONG?)

I wrote a long response to your post, but it didn't feel right. Then I realized that this is one of those posts where someone is asking for advice -- but the problem is that you're really good at ignoring other peoples' perspectives and opinions in favor of your own.

Not only that, but you've already given yourself an easy escape route by expecting the answers you get to be "wrong", because your post "may belong in another sub".

So it's incredibly unlikely that you'll take free advice from people on a subreddit that you've already determined is probably not the right one for your question in the first place.

My wild guess would be that you need an extremely safe environment where you can talk to someone, in person (as in, face-to-face), who you trust as an authority figure, and you can acknowledge that person to be more experienced in life than you are.

When you find that person, make sure to ask him or her to assess you for autistic-like traits, or at the very least, ask that person to tell you a bit about the autism spectrum. The Internet is not the place for assessment, diagnosis or treatment (or even well-intentioned yet inevitably ignorant advice) regarding questions and issues like the ones that you're raising here, for the aforementioned reasons (among others that have appropriately remained unsaid and that probably only you know).

joshsway · 2013-11-19T15:45:19+00:00

I was in the same boat as you, I just learned not to be an asshole. Seriously it is not that hard. Listen to people talk even if you don't give a shit about what they are saying, don't be an opinionated asshole by holding back your opinions sometime, etc. etc. It's not that hard.

ithearrow · 2013-11-19T04:31:55+00:00

I suggest you force yourself to hang out with new different people, see each person as a learning experience. If you act as if you like someone, you actually start liking them. Look at any positive features they may have. E.G: nice style/hair

2013-11-19T05:14:32+00:00

I'd guess you have terrible inner game. Inner game is basically the aspect of game that says you are okay with yourself and are accepting of other people's criticisms. Being judgmental mostly stems from insecurity. Having extreme opinions and being unable to criticize them probably is because you can't separate yourself from your opinions. It's okay to be wrong and mistaken. Not the end of the world. At some point you'll have to realize that no one's opinions are right or wrong, because opinions inherently can't be right or wrong.

2013-11-19T05:33:47+00:00

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Title	How can I become less of a judgmental asshole and relate to people better? (LONG?)
Author	anewman1993
Upvotes	2
Comments	14
Date	November 19, 2013 3:51 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1qyad2/how_can_i_become_less_of_a_judgmental_asshole_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-can-i-become-less-of-a-judgmental-asshole-and.1361798 https://theredarchive.com/post/1361798

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