Proper response when a girl asks you for a favor?

Stayinghereforreal · 2014-01-23T13:31:33+00:00

I'll give you the gift of my presence" jokingly

She was not joking. That is what she was offering. Jack shit, in other words. I like the way you handled it.

If you are good at something, don't do it for free.

[deleted] · 2014-01-23T19:41:17+00:00

[permanently deleted]

riskrowe · 2014-01-23T11:34:35+00:00

With your comment you planted in her mind the idea that you can't be used, although she has yet to see proof.

Instead of asking what she's going to do for you, just ask for something. I think a few homemade choc-chip cookies is good payment for fixing a TV.

vandaalen · 2014-01-23T12:31:00+00:00

I always just make sure they give me anything in return. Even for a very small favour, like getting something out of a drawer or so, I would ask them for a smile first or some other silly thing.

johnnight · 2014-01-23T14:39:01+00:00

OP, it all depends on the context of what she actually wants. I got asked to fix a computer for a girl, who secretly wanted a relationship with me.

It's not always orbiter exploitation.

RPGoon · 2014-01-23T18:23:27+00:00

(This is my first post on reddit ever, so if I do something stupid or against the rules call me out on it and I'll try to fix it ASAP)

First off stop apologizing for what you say. We will already correct you because we generally don't deal in feel good PC bullshit (although I see way too much of it in askTRP these days!)

Your response was good. You could have also added a suggestion at the end like "How about you make me dinner while I fix it?" There needs to be give and take.

Nemester · 2014-01-23T13:41:04+00:00

You either don't do it, or you require her to compensate you before you fix it. The second part is known as "hoop theory".

http://www.pualingo.com/pua-definitions/hoop-theory/

More generally, you shouldn't even do these kind of favors for family members without some sort of compensation.

http://www.techrepublic.com/blog/10-things/ten-reasons-not-to-fix-computers-for-free/#.

captshady · 2014-01-23T14:47:59+00:00

Would you have done it if it was a dude asking?

If you wanted to bang her, you should've teased the shit out of her for that comment:

Done eating, check comes: Hey {girl's name}, see if you can pay with "the gift of your presence".

"My plate didn't cost as much as yours", oh, you got the "gift of my presence discount"

aaron_the_just · 2014-01-23T18:29:27+00:00

I ask myself if I'd do it for a guy I don't know that well

then I ask myself if I want to bang this broad. if I do, I pass on the favour.

otherwise I just treat her like a normal human being

bsutansalt · 2014-01-23T13:57:36+00:00

If she's asking you for a favor that requires anything more than the most minimal of effort on your part, treat it as a shit test and handle accordingly. Here's the most common methods of how to handle shit tests:

Agree & Amplify (to absurdity) <--this should be everyone's bread and butter response to shit tests
Change the subject
Ignore her
Pressure flip
Nuclear option (of denying her sexual value). This is reserved for women who are purposely being bitchy and confrontational.

redbluepilling · 2014-01-23T11:38:48+00:00

You need to find your own way on this one.## Luckily now, you have another option. You've finally given yourself the option to say no.

In the scenario you described, you vocalized what you would have asked yourself before and kept quiet. I'm assuming in the past, you would have jumped to your own answer 'maybe she'll like me better' -- but now you've shattered that false understanding. You have options.

So, exactly, what do you get from her? Is it worth your time? Remember, your time is precious to you. Consider what you really want and be more skeptical about it (at least in hindsight for now, while asking if you did the right thing).

Now am I saying never help someone if you have the ability and seemingly don't get much out of it? No. Because, ask yourself this...Do you get the self-satisfaction of helping? Is that ~~fleeting~~ feeling worth the effort to you?## (Be careful, because emotions get in the way here. Be cold when asking yourself this. Follow the question up with, Am I doing this to curry favour with her?)

If you approach the situation genuinely, it shows. If you actually want nothing except self-satisfaction, it will show. That is a positive, attractive thing in itself. (This is the next level shit when dealing with attractive girls you'd bang).

In you case here, if it was so vital to her, she wouldn't have answered in a joking way or let it trail off. You did well, it doesn't sound like you were being 'fake-alpha' as the mood seemed to stay cordial. You've given yourself another option--"no".

:##: emphasis on the personal part of this. Some people will simply tell you to always refuse, for me it varies, but the most important thing is to be genuine (and later, skeptical of how honest you're being with yourself)

[deleted] · 2014-01-23T18:56:04+00:00

I don't think you did anything wrong, I would have made a more direct demand though; for instance, "you make me dinner and I'll fix your TV" (or whatever).

Kreature · 2014-01-23T11:43:56+00:00

No

"why not? "

Because I said so

nicethingyoucanthave · 2014-01-23T14:17:56+00:00

Is she a friend? If so, don't worry about keeping score. Just help her out when she needs it.

What you have to be careful about is not failing to get something in return, it's failing to have her as an actual friend. You probably have plenty of friends, men and women, that you have lopsided friendships with, where you give more than you get, or get more than you give.

An old friend of mine is a retired cop and somehow (I don't know, investments maybe?) he's pretty rich. He invites me to parties or to watch a game at his house or go fishing out in the gulf. I might bring a case of beer, but he's still shelling out more $$ than me whenever we hang out. That's just the way it works sometimes in a friendship.

What you need to be asking yourself is not, "will this chick give me anything" but, "is she an actual friend." My friend above doesn't really have anything that I can help him with. He's pretty much set. But I am an actual friend and I would help him if I could.

My advice to you is to avoid the very mercenary, "what's in it for me" when someone first asks for a favor. My advice is to go ahead and be generous and help them out if you can - especially in this case where it's just a little of your time. Then observe how they treat you.

Does she offer you a drink and hang out with you a while after you fix the TV? Is she willing to hang out later on? If so, awesome. New friend. If not, then you haven't lost anything except a couple of hours of your time.

Let's say you fix her TV and she immediately says, "okay thanks - look, I've got to run to meet some people so, bye" then a week later she wants help with her computer. So now you're actually in the situation that you fear: now you're just being used. At this point, you could go the mercenary "what's in it for me" route, but I would still recommend you be a little more smooth with it if possible.

[deleted] · 2014-01-23T15:03:29+00:00

You don't always have to say No when a girl asks you to do something for her. Just change the situation mentally and imagine it is another guy asking you for help. If you would do it for the guy, do it for the girl.

[deleted] · 2014-01-23T17:10:33+00:00

It's hard as a beginner to see the fine line between alpha and rude.

Depending on how much you know her and how long it would have taken you, you might just have come off as an asshole. (Only you can judge this, we weren't in your skin). I crashed and burned a lot when I started, because I was trying too hard to be alpha and not to give a fuck so I became pretty rude to people, even though that wasn't my intention. You'll learn it with time, but just realize that it's not easy to hit the sweet spot in the beginning.

mrust · 2014-01-23T19:35:53+00:00

You did nothing wrong, and this was definitely a way for her to extract value from you and see if you were a pushover.

My favorite response is contextual or back to the old standby from DYD: "I could <pause>, but I won't."

BellatorCordis · 2014-01-23T19:51:17+00:00

Your response was good, as you avoided supplication and ending up in the 'provider zone'. At the same time, it was bad, in that you negated the chances for future interactions.

In the future, playfully agree under the conditions that she'll return the favor. For example, "If you'll cook me dinner while I'm over." Your tone has to be lighthearted and ambiguously serious.

If she deflects and changes the subject, she was just looking to use you. Nothing of value was lost.

If she's interested she'll agree or 'play' back.

YouDislikeMyOpinion · 2014-01-23T20:43:00+00:00

There are plenty of orbiters that would do it for her presence. Leave it to them.

You are your own priority. If it's in your interest to fix it for her, then do it. If it's not, then don't. I do nice things for people because I feel like it sometimes, not for anything in return, but because I want to for myself.

Just a thought, but worst case scenario, you can say something like:

If she can somehow help you: "I'm pretty busy with my friend's wedding videos. If you can watch the video and tell me what parts don't seem up to par, that'll save me some time, and I'll see [if I can help you with your tv.] / [what I can do with your tv]" You can follow that up with, "let me know when you're free, so we can pick a day/time to meet", which you can follow up with even more (there is probably a better way to say the following: "Who knows how long it will take, so I'm not going there unless we order some chinese."

After it has all been arranged, just show up with the ingredients for a soup or stir fry and say that you watched a youtube video on how to make this and you wanna taste it.

You turn the shit test into a positive.

BTW, this is a great example of how to make it natural.

11199494 · 2014-01-24T04:02:28+00:00

Your going to want to do her the favor, and she will realize that you are really nice. Really alpha, you know?

CptJackSwallows · 2014-01-27T00:28:53+00:00

I used this presence line on a girl on Friday night, got the drink.

Title	Proper response when a girl asks you for a favor?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	16
Comments	29
Date	January 23, 2014 10:15 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/1vxkxy/proper_response_when_a_girl_asks_you_for_a_favor/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/proper-response-when-a-girl-asks-you-for-a-favor.138847 https://theredarchive.com/post/138847

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