I feel like such an asshole when I have to let a guy down after he makes a thoughtful pass on me...

penguin_says_slide · 2015-07-28T06:10:10+00:00

Well being honest ought to work.

Well first of all congratulations for approaching me, kicked approach anxiety in the balls right there. You seem like a cool guy however I do have a boyfriend. I do know that now you're supposed to ignore that or persist more haha, but sadly it won't work. Keep going though :)

Turlast · 2015-07-28T06:38:15+00:00

You feel that way because you're a good person. Even though you don't know the guy, you don't want to hurt him and make him feel like his efforts were futile. If the guy thinks you're just telling him that so he could go away, that has nothing to do with you. You were honest and upfront about having a man. There's no need for you to feel awful because you're doing the right thing. It'd be mean if you were giving these guys false hope, but none of that is happening here.

I know too many women who get off on rejecting a guy, believing that it's funny. Most of them will even pretend as if they like the guy....only to make it clear that the guy never had a chance. I don't believe there's anything you need to change seeing as how genuine you are about it.

If more women were like you, I'm sure us guys (that can't approach at all) wouldn't be so afraid of going outside of our comfort zone to approach a woman. Thank you for being kind!

jonnyhaldane · 2015-07-28T14:37:29+00:00

I feel like immediately telling someone you have a boyfriend is rude and assuming- just because someone talks to you doesn't mean they're asking to fuck you or date you!

I think your attitude is great. It is a bit presumptuous when a girl immediately tells you that she has a boyfriend. But when I am talking to a girl, she is asking me questions etc and then she eventually tells me she has a boyfriend, I think 'that's nice, she wasn't interested romantically but she was obviously enjoying talking to me'. And then I walk away feeling good.

I like it when a girl says something like "I actually have a boyfriend but I think it was really cool that you had the balls to approach me like that, keep at it!". But it is a very tiny minority of girls that say that.

sharpiescribe · 2015-07-28T06:21:26+00:00

I think you are doing completely fine. No need to apologize for anything. I am a firm believer that a lot of guys starting out never recognize certain realities. One critical being that women ACTUALLY have boyfriends and may NOT be looking for somebody!. Sympathy in theory sounds like the nice thing to do however, for your own personal safety and well-being I do not recommend it.

Those cute, awkward, timid newbies starting out may have low-self-esteem, be desperate for female validation, and can easily misinterpret innocuous small-talk into overly inflated IOIs. This can lead to them becoming stalkers, creepers, and really becoming a serious danger to your life and other women just from a simple smile or a look in your eyes.

Based on the phrases I saw in your post... "Part of me always applauds the guy for trying..." - It may be amusing and flattering to see a dorky guy muster the courage to talk to you but, at the end of the day you're always interacting with a complete stranger whose intentions, and emotional health you know absolutely nothing about. The earlier you slip in the "boyfriend/relationship" comment the better.

"I feel like a complete twat for having to say sorry no..." It's okay to be upfront and stern with people. Be comfortable with asserting yourself and stand your ground.

"I worry that he might feel I'm just saying that to shrug him off..." Again, despite this person being a complete stranger. The best thing you can do, if you empathize with this person, is to politely let them down. You protect yourself. You are not responsible for how someone chooses to react and emotionally feel in a conversation. You are not responsible for how someone else manages their self-esteem.

The one comment I received from my experience has been, "I appreciate your gesture but I am in a relationship". Casual ways of slipping it into the conversation are always good.

1vibe · 2015-07-28T07:50:16+00:00

I really love the way you write and your kind, considerate demeanor. I'd love to hit on you, but, alas, I'm taken... by your... lack of photographic evidence;)

BigBobbert · 2015-07-28T13:04:49+00:00

Really, when I can tell the girl is telling the truth about having a boyfriend, it doesn't bother me at all. I mean, it's disappointing, but if it's clear she really does like me as a person and is encouraging me to keep trying, then it's great.

Of course, introducing them to some of your single friends may be even better...

RareGeometry · 2015-07-28T17:00:07+00:00

"Sorry, I'm in a relationship, but that was good! I'm sure a single girl would be happy to give you her number."

You really don't find that guys are overly persistent when you give them the time of day? My wife says that with most of the guys who hit her up, nothing (the ring, the baby, a bitchy attitude or constant reminders that she is married) will make a guy give it up and try with someone else.

novaksnow · 2015-07-28T11:25:39+00:00

Ok, im gonna be honest with you and what im about to say comes from my thinking so I ask you to not consider this a bad response but else a polite and educated guess. I think your making this post with second intentions.

Do you honestly want me to believe that you (probably a beautifull woman by the way you say you get hit on) cant handle someone who wants to chat with you. Theres just no way I buy this story.

You ask this very specific question in a subreedit who is mostly done arround guys who feel insecure arround women, or that arent given any interest by any woman, and then you tell all the steps most man that are starting or going on the game, do arround woman and you present them as being "bad" or "annoying".

I mean, if it was in another subreedit, but in this? You know or should know that most woman can just reject or not man, its up to us to make the job to get that response. You are part of the equation, just say no if you want, plenty of them do. But to come in this SUBREEDIT asking this very "explained" question is like almost mocking us, we the ones who are out there in the field doing our best cause thats what life gave us.

Sorry I dont buy this post and ask for moderators to seriously investigate this.

This almost feels like the videos of RSD, specially Julien videos where most of the comments negative and anti Julien.

My 2 cents on this, I will never give you enough power to women to be able to tolerate this things.

wakaflockanerd · 2015-07-28T14:10:44+00:00

Now I'm reaaaaaaally curious as to how you look like! :P

Anyway, on to your question: I think you're somewhat fishing for compliments here (if even subconsciously). "I'm beautiful, I'm taken, so guys, please, please tell me how to make it less painful for me to reject you!"

Do you honestly not see how you shouldn't apologize for telling the truth (that you're taken), and that doing it in a nice, polite, empathetic matter is really the only thing you can do?

I'm sure you are a nice person, but this whole post seems like a humble brag to me. Are you looking for a specific response—maybe a routine—to these guys, or what?

The way you've expressed yourself, you strike me as someone who would understand that, while it may not feel nice to reject someone who seems "kind, considerate, and convincing," it is a necessary evil versus leading them on, and that doing it nicely and empathetically is all that you can really do.

Or perhaps here's something that you may not have thought of yet: if they really are that nice and considerate and convincing, how about asking them if they want to at least be friends? I don't see why this wouldn't be a positive scenario for both parties (some of the guys may just feel too hurt and say no, but that's on them). I think this would communicate the nicest, most genuine "I like you, but I am dating someone else right now." It's their choice if they're down with this or not.

Otherwise, I don't think there's anything else for you to do in these situations other than being nice and polite. And I honestly think that you already know that.

I do think you're playing dumb on the whole "I don't know if they're hitting on me!" Come on, you said you get hit on a lot, and that you are attractive. Deep down you know we're hitting on you, but you're being fake humble about it.

(By the way, I'm not trying to be purposefully mean or anything. Just calling it like I'm seeing it.)

Good luck!

P.S. I'd feel weird if I was your BF and saw you posting this here, I just don't know why.

throwawayintoface · 2015-07-28T19:32:31+00:00

OH OKAY! OKAY! I SEE HOW IT IS! OKAY!

so you're "not saying you're hot shit" but ramble on about how hot you are i mean like OKAY!

what you should do is accept that this man made a manlike effort and manned up to you, hot art thou. maybe a simple peck on the lips or of the whereabouts should do the trick and then send him on his merry way boosting his "uh bravery?"

Title	I feel like such an asshole when I have to let a guy down after he makes a thoughtful pass on me...
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	8
Comments	27
Date	July 28, 2015 5:23 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/3ev5hj/i_feel_like_such_an_asshole_when_i_have_to_let_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/i-feel-like-such-an-asshole-when-i-have-to-let-a.1391682 https://theredarchive.com/post/1391682

Comments