It seems like a oxymoron of a kind in this state of mind.

I have been diagnosed of C-PTSD, which is basically avoidant personality disorder, major depression, anxiety with symptoms resembling classical PTSD and ADD. Basically, coctail of everything unhelpful what comes to pick-up.

I've been doing a lot of work past few years to get myself in shape psychologically, from cognitive-behavioral therapy, medication, exercise, mindfulness and meditation, reframing techniques, forced socializing etc. My symptoms have greatly reduced up to this point, but there is this lingering thought of being broken beyond repair. I don't want to be a victim of my past. I rationally know that I can beat down my own problems, but somehow that thought does not translate on the emotional level.

So in social situations, I tend to be fidgety and nervous, talk fast and don't act like myself. I tend to be more authentic and comfortable about myself at the second date, but I can see how this creates bad first impression with new people. I find it hard to internalize this self-image of masculine, self-confident guy, and feel like acting when I tap into that persona. How to be authentic and self-confident, when you do not feel to be confident in the core?