I never even realised how much of a people pleaser I was until I found myself apologising to someone at work a few days ago for disagreeing with their opinion - even though theirs was ill informed and based on some fucking prejudice they have whilst mine was actually based on research and critical though. Yeah maybe I came across a bit harsh - tough shit though.

It dawned on my how much I hate confrontation, how much I hate the thought that standing up for myself might leave somebody walking this earth thinking lowly of me.

That polarising with girls might leave some thinking I’m an obnoxious cunt.

God forbid.

Actually.... at least then I wouldn’t be invisible. At least then I would have a sense of self worth and wouldn’t feel like I’m a fucking doormat. At least life would be a lot more interesting.

But it’s not easy. I sort of shut down during confrontation and immediately begin to think I must have done something wrong. It’s a conditioned response that probably has a lot to do with my ADHD.

I’m over it though. As Churchill said, if you have no enemies you haven’t been true to yourself.

I’m not setting out to make enemies, or to deliberately disagree and argue with girls, I’m just setting out to be honest with myself.

But if anyone has any advice that would be great