My husband and I have been in a relationship for over a year, we got married 2 months ago and had not being sexually intimate until we got married. Once we started to be intimate, our sexual life has been completely underwhelming for me, it seems to not bother him. Even though every time we have sex it seems to be satisfactory for him (he always finishes and our sessions can last from 2hrs to 2mins) he prefers to masturbate instead of being with me, which makes me feel undesired, unloved, and disgusting. What can I do to awaken his sexual desire for me?

Since I told my husband I didn’t wanted to be sexually active until marriage, during our relationship he was modest around me and would not touch me or anything, even our kisses were reduced to pecks after a few weeks of being together, he described it as turning off his sexual engine. Though, we did share a bed for more than half of our relationship; even though we didn’t have sex, we would sleep together 4 out of 7 days of the week for over 7 months. At a point it felt like we were roommates or just friends since we were spending so much time together but there was no sexual tension. We broke up once before marrying bc he hadn’t been able to “find” love for me, he said that “love is interconnected and dependent of sex”. After a week apart he found out what love really is and learned that he did love me. He told me he had been watching porn to deal with the lack of sex and he suspected that is what was keeping his feelings dull. So we got back together and decided to get married. Love is not a problem, I know he loves me, I feel his love, though I think men also express love through sex.

Personally, I thought that after marrying, we would be very sexually active (have sex at least 3 times day, or at the very least, once daily. Around 5 years ago I had been in a relation where I lost my virginity and we would have sex 3-5 times a day-not every day though) since he had talk so much about sex and how he had studied and found out his style and all that man talk. I am very classy and old school so I always told him that I wanted to experiment and experience everything with him. I am very sweet towards him, I cook, clean and all that stuff, I am from Colombia and he is American. He makes me feel safe and comfortable, he takes care of me well.

Before we got married I noticed that he would masturbate in the shower, even after we broke up. We talked about masturbating in the marriage and he said sometimes he would masturbate bc it’s faster and easier; he doesn’t have to worry about the other persons feelings or pleasure. I have also asked him how many times a day he could ejaculate, and he said 1 or 2, and 3 times is pushing it.

Now that we are married, I thought he would relieve his sexual needs with me but it isn’t that way. Days after our wedding, he got an umbilical hernia surgery, so I would initiate sex every night and be on top so he wouldn’t have to move, sometimes I would even initiate sexual activity in the mornings, one time he rejected me and later explained that he was filling dirty and wanted to take a shower before being together again. I would give him head daily and other pleasures.

I am very physically affective with him, always been, I kiss his face all the time (when I try to go for his lips, it ends up being just pecks), I hug him, sit on his lab when he is working or playing on his desk, I cuddle him, etc. However, he isn’t very physical with me, he doesn’t kiss me as much, or hug me or all those things. One time he was laying on his back with his phone on his hands, I layed on my side and put my head on his shoulder, my arm on his and crossed a leg with his, after a while I asked him to cuddle me, staring at the screen, he said he was already cuddling me.

When he used to talk to me about his sexual style and what he had learned by experience, he told me that he likes to be dominant in the bed and his most marked memories are of when he was fully comfortable with the other person and could be himself (he is talking about D/S dynamics). Once he started to feel better, I stopped being so upfront on starting sex and kinda tried to pass the dominance to him. We went around 3 days without sex until he finally said “let’s have sex” while we were laying down at night and he pulled me on top of him. After that, we would have sex every 2 or 3 days and most than half of the time, is me insinuating.

Soon after we got married, I told him that I expected to have sex daily, maybe even multiple times a day. Around 2 weeks ago I expressed that I feel undesired and as if he didn’t like me bc he wasn’t initiating sex and he didn’t wanted to have sex as often, he said he does like me, and sometimes when I am giving him head he says “see? I desire you”. Sometimes I’d wear small and see through clothes around the house but he won’t “turn his head” at me. When I get changed, he doesn’t seem interested on looking my way. I am not fat or anything, I am not fit either but I do have some curves.

Sometimes I would insinuate and he would reject me saying is too late, he is tired or he needs to shower. Granted, our bed time ranges from 1am to 3am and he has to get up at around 9am, however, he works from home and often comes back to bed throughout the morning.

Saturday night I insinuated and he said it was really late and we had church in the morning, I then told him that at the beginning of our marriage I had told him my expectations and he didn’t really said “no” to them (he is the type to tell you what he thinks in the conversation or when he is thinking it, if didn’t agree he would have told me right there and then), so he asked “what expectations?” I knew he knew what I was talking about, so I proceed saying “I expressed my expectations but I supposed we don’t align in that, my expectations do not align with your….. I don’t know that to call it” I meant to say “libido” but I didn’t want to make him feel bad. So he repeated my words and we both stayed quiet for a long time. He turned and I turned and fell asleep.

Sunday morning, he woke up 10mins earlier than usual and was soft towards me, he touched my body for the second time (the first time he had touched me and fingered me was at our wedding night, even when we are having sex, he doesn’t explore my body or initiate by touching my body nor fingering me, he has never kiss my labia) this morning, he was initiating me but he wasn’t hard himself, which makes me think he was just doing it for me and not bc of me. Anyways, today is Tuesday and we haven’t have any sexual encounter nor there has been any sexual tension between us. Yesterday, I insinuated myself during the day and he said he wanted to shower, so today he woke up and showered, I noticed he masturbated and my heart broke, I truly feel like he isn’t attracted to me.

I expected him to be way more physical after marriage and for his libido to be way higher bc of how he spoke of himself and previous relationships (he was quite promiscuous). Also, at the beginning of our relationships, he used to be more physical, he used to grab my body and slap my butt and all that, which he stoped once he realized we weren’t having sex at all (he knew I wanted to wait for marriage but I think he thought my boundaries were more flexible). He said that it’s frustrating to get “teased” and not being able to do anything.

If it isn’t a matter of attraction, then I suspect it’s bc we have been so physically close without having sexual interactions for so long, like sharing a bed as well as me being so physically affectionate. I do not know how to resolve this issue. I have talked to him, expressed how I feel, initiated and insinuated sex, but the sexual tension and desire is simply not there.