Does he have relationship trauma?

Shining_thru · 2024-04-26T16:32:45+00:00

It sounds as though he's commitment averse and has always been. I would seriously ask yourself if you are being used and will be 10 years down the line with empty promises too

Ok_Village_7800 · 2024-04-26T16:07:37+00:00

Was he married or engaged to his ex? If not I would be curious is to why he didn’t propose to her after a decade together. There might be more to the story than “he was totally blindsided.”

I do know of a few couples who broke up after 10ish years and in every single case it was because the man was telling the girlfriend he saw a future with her and that they were aligned on wanting the same things. But then he would never take the next step to make it a reality like propose… and the woman would leave him when she finally realized she spent 10 years with a man who was not actually going to marry her or have kids with her regardless of how many times he said he sees it one day.

See what he says about the dynamics of that relationship and why it never turned into marriage and kids even after being together for 10 years. Use your own discernment to try and determine if he’s being wishy washy with long term commitment with you because of “trauma” from his ex… or because that is who he is. Be careful that you are not the second woman who is being put through his MO of dangling a future in front of them but then not actually taking the step forward to solidify that type of commitment.

BudgetInteraction811 · 2024-04-26T20:42:49+00:00

She probably expected a ring before 10 years in and he dangled commitment in her face for that long before she got fed up and left.

bluejeanblush · 2024-04-26T21:25:24+00:00

I’m always surprised when someone says they were with someone for that long and were blind-sided by a breakup. I actually see this a lot on Reddit. Frankly, depending on how old he is, my first question would be why were they not married… I mention this because if a relationship is not moving forward, either party is frankly able to leave whenever and SHOULD if they are being kept from their goals such as marriage and/or children. I’m quite tired of men acting like they should be able to lock a woman down while not actually offering her the security of marriage. Until you put a ring on it, there are no guarantees. Sure, divorce is possible… but I don’t get how that’s any worse than having someone leave your life suddenly after 10 years together because there is nothing legally tying them to you and zero incentive to work on any issues.

Based on the extra info you shared, I have a feeling he was sitting on his hands and didn’t want to propose to the ex. I’d be a bit weary of him talking about the future with you so quickly when his dating history is someone he kept at girlfriend status for a decade.

BadProof2060 · 2024-04-27T13:30:53+00:00

I would agree with the others in the sense that there is probably something about this 10 year relationship he is not revealing to you. If it is, indeed, that he was totally blindsided, that is a red flag too as no person should ever be blindsided when a ten-year relationship ends. There will be signs and attempts at communication beforehand because that is not something that can easily be thrown away.

Additionally, men typically know exactly what they want out of a relationship, so the fact that he dated this woman for ten years, owned a house with her, and still didn’t marry her means that he wanted to keep her around for comfort, but he wasn’t willing to take the dive into marriage with her.

That being said, I do not know the context of this situation. Honestly the ten years do matter in terms of when they were together. For example, were they together since they were mid-teens into mid-twenties? 15-25 is a really important developmental stage in everyone’s lives so it could be that he needed to develop the type of emotional maturity necessary to make the dive. If that wasn’t the case, typically by age 25 your prefrontal cortex is fully developed and this helps you with your decision-making processes.

Again, even if this wasn’t the case, if he is a really great guy and he had all the important characteristics out of a man, continue to gain his trust to a point where you can discuss the context around the breakup as well as the details around his parents divorce, how it affected his outlook on life, etc. Typically divorces and/or the absence of a father-figure are very traumatic in early childhood development, so I wouldn’t completely blame him for having this outlook. But it will take effort on your part and his to work through any potential trauma and come to an agreement with where you jointly see your life going.

flower_power_g1rl · 2024-04-28T08:37:30+00:00

Don't waste your energy on trying to analyze this man. Get your focus off of him, and onto you. How do you feel when you are around him? How do you feel when you are not?

Trust his actions. The more confident and stable you are in your own relationship abilities and in his, the more that attitude will rub off on him. Don't tell him what to do, give him advice, or make him seek therapy. Instead, tell him how good of a boyfriend he is despite what he's seen/been through, and he will believe it and then become it.

If his past is trouble for your relationship or not is always an option, but at least avoid making it trouble now by changing your course of action based upon your fears of this trouble.

AutoModerator · 2024-04-26T14:40:26+00:00

Title: Does he have relationship trauma?

Author biohacking-babe

Full text: Hi ladies! Looking for some advice. I’m with my bf for about 8 months now, and we’re on the same page in terms of marriage, kids etc. He’s been so lovely and stable.

However I think he may have some relationship trauma, which causes him to say things indicating he’s scared of a big commitment, family etc. But his actions show he’s keen to move forward. It’s confusing!

What happened is his ex of 10 years suddenly decided to end his last relationship about 2 years ago. They were not married. He told me he found it shocking as he didn’t perceive their problems to be that bad. I have no idea what her side is.

Also he’s mentioned his parents messy divorce when he was an infant, as his dad cheated, plus some other examples. So it’s seems he has bad examples around him whereas I’m the opposite and have seen many stable relationships all my life.

So he says things like ‘what if you decide you want to leave’ or ‘can marriages last forever’ etc. Basically like trying to prepare in case things go wrong. I just can’t understand this mindset. Is this trouble for our relationship?

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biohacking-babe · 2024-04-27T14:30:16+00:00

Thanks for the responses everyone! I agree with the consensus he’s just been a commitment-phobe in the past. I will be strict with him, and if no engagement at the year mark, I’m pulling all the way back. I definitely won’t be dating anyone for 10 years haha.

Title	Does he have relationship trauma?
Author	biohacking-babe
Upvotes	7
Comments	25
Date	April 26, 2024 2:40 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1cdn4rj/does_he_have_relationship_trauma/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/does-he-have-relationship-trauma.1516476 https://theredarchive.com/post/1516476

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