She's going to make me tell the kids

No_Pace2396 · 2024-06-16T16:59:50+00:00

You are the bad man. Get used to it. It is the bias of our culture and the court. “But I…!” Nope. Everybody already knows. The first question I get asked: what did you do to make her so angry? Even here, you’re not telling us something. I guess I didn’t always deign her changing dietary needs when I cooked dinner, and would get upset when she kept the kids up past the bedtime we talked about so they weren’t stressed when I had to get them up and get them to school on time.

There are more responsible and healthy ways to go about it, like talking together about serial monogamy and recognizing when you need to take charge of your own health and happiness. But this is the situation you are in. You are the bad man. You broke up the family. Everybody already knows this.

Take the opportunity to tell the story the way it should be told, not the way your ex and her lawyer and family, GALs and custody coordinators, and judge will twist over and over until their story will become the truth.

Known auto correct typo: I said tell it, autocorrect inserted twist. I’m going to leave it.

TP_Crisis_2020 · 2024-06-15T05:43:07+00:00

I wasn't married to her, but was with a BPD woman who did the same thing about telling her kids. We were together for a long time and I came around when her kids were young in their formative years, me and her kids created a strong bond. She would go through her typical cluster B discard phase and tell me to kick rocks, and I would tell her that she has to tell her kids. Otherwise, she would just not say anything to them at all and if they asked about me she would say something along the lines of "he just left us". When she would discard, I told her that she had to tell the kids within 1 week or I would. Every single time, she would never do it and I would be the ones to contact the kids (they had their own phones) and tell them what happened. THEN she would get mad at me for upsetting the kids, and work her BPD hoover magic and get me to come back. Eventually the girls got old enough to realize what happened and what their mom was like, I never had to worry about them not realizing that she is the one who nuked the relationship. Luckily, her oldest daughter told me she still wants me in her life and I still get to see her on a semi-regular basis, because my ex knows how important I am to her and she knows it would piss her daughter off even more if she went against that. The crazy thing is that the daughter is 15 and has told me that she is going NC with her mom when she turns 18!

Independent_Owlz · 2024-06-14T22:24:54+00:00

Ex took my kids on a shopping spree then dropped the bomb on them late on a Sunday night before a Monday school day.

She messages me the next morning that she told the kids.

You can’t make it up.

nomdeprune · 2024-06-14T22:01:54+00:00

My ex wife never told the children why she left. The kids came to me, asking why their family was now split up, and I didn’t know what to say to them. I told them that I didn’t know either (I genuinely didn’t understand what had happened) but that it had been their mother’s decision. They told me later that they asked their mother and she had given them a half-arsed answer that they didn’t understand. Obviously it was all far from ideal, but the upshot is that the kids now come to me and not her when they need real, truthful information.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2024-06-14T15:45:30+00:00

My spouse pulled the same BS until finally one day when we were all at home I told them I was going to tell the kids and they could join me in the living room then and there or not.

I know her enough to know that a) she doesn't want to tell them; she wants me to do it, and b) when I do it, she'll use it against me somehow and make me the bad guy.

LONG TERM your spouse is making a bad move. The kids WILL REMEMEBER what parent 'left' and doubly so if they were not there fielding questions. You might be the bad guy in the moment but that will fade and all they will remember mom wasn't there. That will linger for A LONG TIME. Not for nothing this will likely be a core memory for your kids.

You have two options:

Spring it on her when you're all there.
Set a firm date and say you're telling them and explain she wont be there to answer questions they have for her and you're not going to make up answers on her behalf. "If you dont think its important enough to be there I wont paint you as the bad guy however I wont be answering their questions to save your reputation. You have this one opportunity ONCE. Be there or not, I'm telling them on (date here)."

If she doesnt show you can begin by explaining to your kids that you've asked her to be there many times and she is not making herself available. You cannot put this off forever. Hell, call her and put it on speaker as a last ditch effort so they see IN THAT MOMENT you're trying to include her.

Tell them early in the day so they have time to process and ask questions and do it in the sunshine

I have another decade of this shit to look forward to.

Hate to say it but its the rest of your life. Yes the fiscal/schedule stuff ends at 18 but there are college graduations, birthdays, weddings, holidays, that are all not going to go away. So mentally settle in for that.

0neMinute · 2024-06-14T14:01:58+00:00

Just do it yourself, tell them mommy left and they will see her based on the custody agreement. No need to wait on her.

Title	She's going to make me tell the kids
Author	JimHalpertsSmirk
Upvotes	16
Comments	17
Date	June 14, 2024 1:34 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1dfqz2c/shes_going_to_make_me_tell_the_kids/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/shes-going-to-make-me-tell-the-kids.1521523 https://theredarchive.com/post/1521523

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