Anyone else overwhelmed by the dating advice?

LoveTheGiraffe · 2024-08-08T11:16:18+00:00

If you desire an honest connection and want your partner to also be your best friend, throw all of that advice out of the window.

There's really only one rule: try to be the best you, so you can attract the best partner. Which does not mean to pretend to be someone else or wear a mask, but to improve as a person and take care of yourself. If you don't have trouble making friends, it's just a matter of time until you find a genuine romantic connection as well.

ratherabsurd · 2024-08-08T10:56:20+00:00

Yeah, it's a bit much. Also worth keeping in mind it's a space with a lot of grifters looking to exploit vulnerable and lonely men. I think also there's a lot of money in stoking resentment and cynicism towards the opposite sex and the whole institution of dating and love and so on. Not that there's not challenges unique to the modern dating scene, especially for men it seems, but I think a lot of it is overcomplicated and exacerbated by people who make a lot of money from clicks.

I'm certainly no expert, and I could be wrong about everything, but in my mind a healthy, happy relationship begins with the self. I think one should focus on creating the life one wants for oneself and via that we move in spaces and attract people who are in line with one's values, qualities and shared interests. I don't want to waste my time here trying to mind read and play games with people, personally.

Elandtrical · 2024-08-08T11:25:17+00:00

If you treat dating as a game, you are going to get players. Just be you, the best possible you.

BloomingBrains · 2024-08-09T02:38:32+00:00

Most of the dating advice you see (especially online) is total crap. Either its really obvious straw man stuff that you're probably already doing like "be nice" or "take showers", or its deranged red pill crap.

Case and point: I got my girlfriend by doing literally everything the opposite of doing what all the dating coaches say. That's because they're basically saying: be this one particular kind of man which just so happens to be a buff, rich, extroverted uber chad. The problem is, not everyone can be that man and even if we could it wouldn't be worth it. Also, there are plenty of women that don't want that kind of man. I know there are plenty of unrealistic expectations put upon men, but just ignore it. Trust me.

Forsaken_Hat_7010 · 2024-08-08T13:42:42+00:00

Beware of "pickup artists", their advice is based on prejudice and manipulation; they are fucking toxic and nothing good will come of it.

sodanator · 2024-08-08T17:44:13+00:00

Honestly, the dating coach ... "profession" (?) is really just filled with lots of grifters, liars and generally just terrible people. They're not gonna give you worthwile advice because, let's face it, if the people following them are successful then they're pretty much out of a job.

That said, I'm not an expert in this, but in my 31 years of life I realized a few things, and they've generally been helpful. This might be a bit lengthy, but I've got free time on my hand and I apparently have Opinions and Thoughts.

Be yourself. Yes, you mentioned it hasn't done much for you but think about it: if you're looking for a genuine, long term relationship with anyone (not just dating), you need a solid foundation. You don't get that through lying.
Be confident, but don't be arrogant/a dick. That's self explanatory, really. Being confident, self assured, in control of yourself etc is great! People like that, of course, but just don't be a dick about it, or don't be patronizing, rude and so on.
Nice is never enough. You hear plenty of guys being like, "oh, but I'm clean, I'm nice, I have a job. Why doesn't anyone want to date me?". Well congrats, you just filled the basic requirements. What else do you have to offer? Cause that describes just ... a normal adult. You need to actually offer something as a person, and I'm not just talking about money or anything extravagant.
When I was a teenager, someone gave me the advice, "just treat women like people and don't put them on a pedestal". That's served me pretty well down the line.

Anyway, at the end of the day it's really know your strenghs (and weaknesses, of course), be yourself and don't be a dick. Dating is still probably gonna suck, yeah, but that's hard anyway.

Sydnaktik · 2024-08-08T18:05:17+00:00

It's really difficult to give advice when you've said so little of yourself.

From my personal perspective, I feel that all this advice was mostly correct, but I wasn't looking to be a PUA that gets laid with a 8-9 3x per week. Just looking for a simple girlfriend, and the key there is yes, you have to do a lot of that stuff, but not all of it, and for the rest, just a tiny little bit is enough.

All the gurus are trying to get you to be an expert at everything, and it's really not necessary. Bare minimum is good enough most of the time. Unless you're competing for the most sought after girls. in which case I don't think you can complain that competing requires you to acquire a diverse and complex skill set.

darbycrash-666 · 2024-08-08T23:11:31+00:00

It sounds like you're overthinking it, just be yourself and let whatever happens happen.

KingBacon42069 · 2024-08-10T15:51:53+00:00

I'm aware I'm the last person to give dating advice but this is my observations from my mates that are in relationships. Before I do, I just want to point out the "ex", so it's not that it's going to be impossible for you to be in a relationship.

Don't chase a relationship, you can't force a relationship, if it happens it happens. Again doesn't mean you don't shoot your shot if you come across someone you actually fancy.
Most relationships begin as friends, as friends, you'll see each other in your best times and worse times and the both of you will see how each other reacts in various situations which does play a part in getting into a relationship.
Don't be someone you're not, don't learn how to "get women to fall in love with you with the text messages" or none of that, people don't like a person who behaves like someone they are not just to get them to like them, just be you and sooner or later someone's going to like you for who you are, it may take days, months, or years....but not impossible
The only coach you need is yourself, I like to take each person I interact with as a ....lesson if that makes sense? You just be yourself and if the relationship falls it falls, but you'll learn how to improve talking with people.
Your emotional wellbeing speaks more louder than your words, don't think "I'm not cut for it", "I give up". I may be wrong but I consider that as a path for confirmation bias, as you'll keep thinking that, then you'll subconsciously act out in a way that create people to react in the way or develop situations that match what you think and the cycle continues. Life's a lesson, take everything as a lesson, there are good lessons and bad lessons, but in the end you're always learning. You can't love someone if you can't love yourself.

I think that's all I can remember at the moment. If I remember more, will update this. If anyone would like to point out mistakes, feel free.

Blauwpetje · 2024-08-11T06:31:21+00:00

The problem is that women are a lot more selective, more often bisexual, and have a less lonely life than men when single. So the demands for men are incredibly high, especially in a society where life long monogamous relationships are no longer the norm and women earn their own bread.

At the same time, these demands are vague. This horrible truth is masked by endless dating advices. When a man fails, it’s never the fault of the rigged dating market and always because he didn’t follow up all the - often contradictory - advices.

What to do about it? The best solution would just be to behave as you like best yourself (within a reasonable framework) and then try and approach as many women as you can, until you find the right match. Unfortunately, men behaving like that are at best considered weirdos and at worst harassers or even assaulters.

Title	Anyone else overwhelmed by the dating advice?
Author	John-Walker-1186
Upvotes	18
Comments	26
Date	August 8, 2024 9:39 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MenSupportMen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/1en1pmk/anyone_else_overwhelmed_by_the_dating_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MenSupportMen/anyone-else-overwhelmed-by-the-dating-advice.1526689 https://theredarchive.com/post/1526689

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