looking for advice from married women/ moms... want to leave STEM to be SAHM but have questions...

razkat · 2024-08-30T04:42:39+00:00

If you have the aptitude to work in a lucrative field there are benefits.

1) you would meet men who make good money that would financially let you be the SAHM that you want to be.

2) if they are interested in advancing their career they would see the value of having a wife that doesn’t work which allows them to focus on their career.

3) until you meet a husband you would have savings to help pay for a house and lifestyle that would allow you to stay home later.

I worked for four years before staying home. Those years I worked allowed for me to help my husband and I qualify for a mortgage and 20% downpayment on a home. We worked it so our monthly mortgage payment is doable on just his salary which allows me to stay home.

Hot_Blacksmith_3404 · 2024-08-30T14:08:56+00:00

It’s important to remember that being a SAHM might only be a couple years of your life until the kids go to school, or at the very most, 18 years (which sounds like a lot but really isn’t - if you have kids at 30 you’ll be 48 with 30-40 years left of your life to live). I’ve seen many women orient their entire lives around being a SAHM, and then get severely depressed, lonely and lost once their kids go to school full time a couple years later or leave the nest for college.

A career that allows for flexibility (ability to go part time or do consulting on the side), and where you could easily rejoin the workforce full-time if need be, would be great. I think your parents are wise to suggest PA school. My sister is a PA and currently only works two days a week but still makes great money.

Dionne005 · 2024-08-30T13:12:27+00:00

Before you get married and have kids get educated and find a good job. Clearly don’t be a Dr since you afraid to be gone all day. I love being SAHM but I became a mom at 35. So I’ve done my career and enjoyed it. I do see myself getting back to a career in the future but my children are first. I don’t want a stranger dealing with my children but I do want to go back to work.

babyegirll · 2024-08-30T03:48:08+00:00

Please proofread your post and add paragraph breaks, more people would be likely to respond.

dashdotdott · 2024-08-30T21:16:41+00:00

I am not a SAHM but I'm in biotech. I have a PhD, five kids, and my husband is SAHD/clergy.

I would not go for a PhD if your eventual goal is to be a SAHM or if you've not figured out what you want to do with your life. Many many reasons

1) You'll be severely underpaid during your PhD. By severely underpaid, I mean I was making 50% of what I would have made in industry. I'm not sure if I'll make up that missed income. Like I've not seen the data to suggest that overall a PhD increases income vs having jumped into the job market after finishing my bachelor's.

2) If the only job you can imagine doing requires a PhD, then get one. But if you have any other options, don't. A PhD is hard, time intensive. There will be times that you go "WTF am I doing with my life". Science is hard and there is mostly failures while doing it because 99% of ideas go nowhere. As a grad student, you be dealing with the 99% while underpaid and overworked.

3) If you're really going for SAHM, doing a PhD will delay you having kids. Unless you drop out. In STEM, PhDs take realistically a minimum of 5 years. Do some people get done in 4, sure. They are rare (I'm not sure anyone in my class did it, out of twenty people). I took eight; but I had three of my kids while in grad school.

4) Assuming you go into a PhD program knowing you are going to become a SAHM, you are taking away opportunities from someone else who would use that PhD. Not always a popular opinion but considering that most PhD candidates are taxpayer funded in some way. Also, why go through the stress? Like seriously more school? Why, just why. Yes we need intelligent women raising our next generation. But degrees do not equal higher intelligence.

Now, getting a bachelor's is a good idea. You need some way to make money while waiting for Mr Right and before you have kids. Also if something happens to him, you have a backup to keep the family financially okay.

As for the criticism. You'll regret having kids and focusing on them? You'll wish in old age, "gee I wish I'd focused on having a career rather than having kids and raising them". Like I have a hard time seeing that. Really hard time. Have you met SAHMs who regretted that part? I've not. My mom and MIL were SAHMs. Of the things they regret: being at home with their kids isn't it. Now I'm happy working outside the home, but I suspect that I'm an exception rather than the norm. I also don't focus on my career to the extent it interferes with my family.

You do need to vet your future spouse carefully. Because there are bad men in the world; not simply because you'd be a SAHM. You'd also need to vet if you were making also the money. Don't want to attract a gold digger.

As for income: doable, yes. Easy, not always. We are essentially on one income (being a priest doesn't pay well). We are able to pull it off because I'm well paid. So you need to find someone who will have a career that can do that. Also have realistic expectations. We aren't traveling to...well anywhere. Let alone exotic places. Money isn't everything. Yeah, make sure you have enough to survive and thrive but beyond that.

As for after kids are in school/grown. I can speak to what I've seen. Volunteering is common (church, school, elsewhere). My mom volunteered at a hospice place for a while; my MIL was the unofficial church secretary for a long time (she's only now stepping back). Both my mom and my MIL helped watch my kids (and my niece, in the case of my mom) while I worked when the older ones were first born. Grad school with three kids would have been supremely difficult without their help. Getting a job is also not unheard of. But you need to manage your expectations. You will not be in the same place in your career as women who've been working while raising kids. Raising kids does not count towards years of experience.

It sounds like you have people who care about you but don't necessarily understand what would make for a happy life for you. And some people will never understand. That is okay. You have to figure out what works best for you.

ConnoisseurSir · 2024-08-30T03:51:57+00:00

I am your age and not a SAHM. But I just want to say you should live a life that makes sense to you, even if it’s hard for people around you to accept. I hope you find a successful, supportive husband. 🙏🏽

Scared-Tea-8911 · 2024-08-31T03:28:18+00:00

It feels like you are putting the cart before the horse here. You have no idea what your “future husband” would want, as it does not sound like you are in a long term relationship of any kind. For now, I would continue to maximize your value - whether that is as a worker with an advance degree, or continuing to gain experience in your field.

In response to the criticisms you mentioned:

This will be highly personal. Whether or not you will regret your decision is a personal matter which only you can figure out.
This can be true in some dating markets. California is a very liberal area, so finding men willing to tolerate jobless/careerless SAHM’s would be much more difficult. Finding a blue collar guy in the Rust Belt, Utah, or the Deep South with those expectations would be easier. I can’t weigh in on if you would attract more “abusive” men on average, but I can say that isolation and financial dependency are strategies which abusive men frequently employ… so you may be more at-risk by nature of fully giving up your career.
My husband and I both work, and make excellent salaries. Could we survive if I quit? Yep. Does my work fund a really enjoyable and pleasant lifestyle for us? Yes it does. It depends on your values and what you mean by “survive”. If you want to own a nice home in an HCOL area (like California), be debt free, go on multiple vacations a year, and send your babies to private religious school… a second salary helps immensely. If you want to live in an apartment in a LCOL area (like Iowa), send kids to public school or homeschool, and only take vacation once in a while or only do free/low-cost activities… you might not need a second salary depending on what your husband makes. It all comes down to your values, and what the finances actually look like.
This is super true, at least for me! My kiddos are all in upper elementary and middle school now… and while they still like having me around, I’m involved in their day-to-day less over time as they are more independent. The days of changing their diapers and helping them get dressed are over. The days of them needing me to fulfill their basic needs are already gone! And that’s ok… because I have other fulfilling things to do with my time (like working and volunteering). The moms I see really struggling with this transition and smothering their kids are the ones who don’t have anything else to do except fret alone in the house all day. 😖

Just some general closing thoughts… - This is a highly personal decision, and not one that you need to make for quite a while. Being a SAHM is a far reach from a single woman without a long-term relationship. - Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face. If your super trad, blue-collar husband gets run over by a forklift at the factory and can’t work anymore… you may regret missing the chance to enhance your earning potential. It’s a mom’s job to ensure their children’s well-being… and you don’t know what that looks like until the kids are actually in the world. - On the other side of that argument… you could pursue all the career enhancements in the world and be top of your field, but then have a high-needs baby with severe medical issues. All your high-flying PhD career plans may go out the window to support this baby! You genuinely never know what the future holds. Trying to “overplan” like this for a situation you are not even close to is just an exercise in anxiety.

Make the best decision you can with the information you have today. The info you have today: you are single, living in a high-cost area, with an opportunity to enhance your earning potential. Better to “waste”/underutilize a degree than to regret not earning one… getting a degree does nothing but enhance your critical thinking skills and knowledge, which is all transferable. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wife_and_Mama · 2024-08-30T15:44:46+00:00

I have a master's degree in library and information studies and a bachelor's in education. I was absolutely the career gwl when I met my husband. I was never going to leave my library system and even took a management position right after we got engaged. I loved my job and swore I'd never stay home.

Then Covid-19 hit two months after I found out I'd have to go through IVF if I ever wanted kids. I went through two back-to-back rounds of pandemic IVF before getting pregnant with my twins... high risk, during a global pandemic. Right after I found out I was pregnant, my beloved 13-year-old dog had to be put down. Then my mom died of Covid-19. Then I almost died in childbirth. All the while, everything I'd loved about my job was put on hold. I couldn't do teen programs. We didn't even have customers for a huge period of time. We just sat around taking overly politicized trainings and arguing about trendy virtue signaling policies. I was so unhappy, before I was expected to handle my precious tiny girls over to a 19-year-old daycare worker who took the job so she could have weekends off to party.

After two months back at work, I quit my career. I never looked back. I have four children now and I'm not so sure I'm done. I spend my days caring for my family and have recently decided to try and start my own photography business. I'm not sure I'll ever be a librarian again, but if I am, it'll be in a school setting, so I'm always available for my children. Priorities change. Passions change. If you'd have told me I'd be here 10 years ago, I'd have laughed out loud.

If you already know you don't want to be the career gal, don't waste the time, energy, and money on an advance degree. Get an education in something versatile.Work. Enjoy your job. Remember though, your boss won't hold your hand through chemo. There's nothing empowering about serving some corporate machine when you'd rather serve your family.

Bgitmarie · 2024-08-30T10:33:29+00:00

Wow I could have written this myself! Here for the advice. I’m close to finishing my MBA with no plans of using it immediately as my thought is once my kids are out of the house I see myself retuning to the workforce full time and possibly running my own business. In the meantime I’m working jobs based on salary & flexibility. I’m open to job hopping if I find other roles paying more but it has to be remote/hybrid to allow me to travel & move about the way I desire. In this time before marriage, I am getting out of debt, focusing on retirement contributions, planning investments in beauty maintenance (laser hair removal, teeth whiting, etc.), building my portfolio for part time work so that if need be I will have skills to work after I start having kids, this could look like contract work or special projects. Also spending time with friends & family bc I know married life will look different from this time.

Prudent_Influence_62 · 2024-08-30T17:45:10+00:00

Since you’re not feeling any kind of strong drive to any higher degree, I don’t think it’s worth pursuing considering what you want from your life. I think it can become a problem if you start earning a really high income if your intention is to be a stay at home mom. Men tend to think practically and if their wife makes just as much as them or more, the practical thing is for her to continue earning money. In most situations, wives start staying home because it’s the most practical choice. That’s true in my life. It just makes sense because I don’t have a lot of earning power.

Also women with higher education have a harder time finding a suitable partner (statistically) because we want someone who’s better than us, and education is one of the criteria we use to judge a potential husband. As a woman’s education level increases, her dating pool shrinks.

Men fall in love with us for what they can do for us. If you are really successful and providing a great life for yourself, what does a man have to offer you? That’s how men think. What can he add to your life? It sounds like you’re content with what you’re doing now and it’s providing a comfortable life for yourself but there’s space in your life for a man to make it better, and that’s great.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to bring up wanting to be a stay at home mom for quite a while, and I think it should be an organic conversation within the safety of a relationship. I don’t believe in vetting men for a “provider mindset” and I’m so glad I found my husband before that was a thing, because I think those ideas can be poisonous for potential relationships. Find and fall in love with a good man you have a strong connection to and follow the skills talked about here and he will naturally strive to give you everything you want.

Independent-Story883 · 2024-08-30T18:55:39+00:00

Regret comes from looking over fences and thinking the grass is always greener somewhere else. Green grass grows where you water it. If you are the type to always look over the fence., you will always have regret.
Abusive men find and abuse power career women as much as domestic SAHM. Do not date abusers. Period.
Survival means living. Can you live off one salary? Will you resent your husband if he nixed the girl trip to Vegas with your friends. If you see a nice purse or dress and have to ask permission to buy it, he says no. Watch him enjoy meals and nights out with the work fellas but insist you cook for the kids to save on frivolity. Money is power over extra-curricular activities. Can you live with just bills being paid or do you need more assurances of comfort. What salary must he make to do this? Do you appeal to this type of man? What trade-off with his physical and mental health, Sexual interests, in laws, exes, mistresses, personality habits can you make?
Both career women and SAHM wrestle with empty nest. I say learn to have your own life and own joy as early as possible. Children and a husband are icing on the cake, not the cake.

Find a mentor thats in your real life.Find someone you admire and see what they deal with. Ask your self if you can do it. Share your journey candidly here. There will be a young lady waiting to hear all about it in ten plus years.

mangoes_now · 2024-08-30T03:48:33+00:00

I don't have anything to add in the way of the encouragement you're looking for, but I just want to say good on you for resisting the pressures during the pandemic. They really put us through hell during that time, threatening and bullying us in many ways, and those of us that stuck to our guns I think deserve respect. I am proud to have resisted the immense amount of social pressure they applied and you should be too.

RedPillDad · 2024-08-30T04:42:18+00:00

At one time the 'cathedral' of power and control over the commoners was the church. Now that cathedral is academia. As bright as those in your family may be, they are required to stay in their lanes and withhold opinion on any matter outside of their expertise. A free mind is radical to them, as their minds are held restrained within the medical version of the matrix.

The risk of red pill awareness is you'll look awkward to those still asleep. They'll see you as a foolish Don Quixote tilting at windmills, or a threat to their secure, socially-conforming, reality-distortion bubble while they blather on about gossip and local sports remaining oblivious to everything.

AutoModerator · 2024-08-30T03:08:19+00:00

Title: looking for advice from married women/ moms... want to leave STEM to be SAHM but have questions...

Author South-Luck-8025

Full text: I am in my mid 20s. I grew up with two career-focused parents- my mom and dad were very successful accountants and in their career would work so many hours- BUT made money (we could afford a house in LA, nannies, travel, etc). They both highly value career and education. A lot of the women in my family are actually doctors (although they got burnt out and missed out a lot of their kids' lives). I got my undergraduate and was going to go to veterinary school but I was in a relationship and then came to my faith in Christ. I realized I truly wanted to focus any time, energy and effort into raising my future children rather than spending another six years in school to then stay at home. This really shocked my parents and they have been suggesting even PA school since it is half the time. (I also have not been interested in healthcare as much since I saw the issues with the pandemic and my choice to not get vaccinated shocked them then as well). Anyways, that relationship didn't work out (he was not a man of God and was exploitative and took concepts of "red pill" masculinity but was actually very manipulative with it) so it reaffirmed for my parents that it is important I have a backup career in case a future husband also ends up being that way. I am in a position in a research lab (not working FOR big pharma so I don't feel a moral conflict, just collecting data for academia) and honestly things are slow and I don't feel purposeful in it (very repetitive) so I could make a shift now to school or another job especially since I have intentionally taken time to be single this year. While my colleagues and family are championing me to get my master's or PhD, I still really feel it wouldn't be what I could serve God and my future husband and children with the best. This is no disrespect to women who DO do that and makes it work. I could see myself having a women's ministry part-time if I stayed at home (husband and kids being my first ministry)- I would LOVE to mentor women in health through nutrition and also certain charities like this one pro-life charity I am volunteering at. It wouldn't be very lucrative like becoming a PA or PhD, though. Anyways, the criticism I am getting from others is 1) it is foolish and I will regret it 2) potential future husbands won't respect me saying my ultimate goal is SAHM or it will attract more abusive men potentially (which there are guys in southern California that when I mentioned I would want to stay at home with young kids they looked shocked haha) 3) it is impossible to survive off one salary.

like I said before, I risked losing my parents' approval when I rejected getting the covid vaccine because I was so convicted. Now, this is still my conviction but I really want wise counsel especially from people older than me who can give different perspectives. if you're a woman reading this, please share any wisdom or encouragement to a young woman in this position.

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TinyLifeStudio · 2024-08-31T19:52:39+00:00

Focus on learning as much as you can both in school and personal research. This will not leave your children with an ignorant stay at home teacher. Mother's have to teach their children almost everything and you don't want to model being one of those people that operates on assumptions. So stick with school to prepare yourself for whatever comes. Look up and research anything you don't understand and are curious about. It will make you a better person for yourself, your children and your man.

Marissa_Smiles · 2024-09-02T21:45:08+00:00

I’m a SAHM and a sister in Christ so I want to give you sound advice. If you have no desire to complete additional schooling then don’t. If you are not satisfied in your current position, look for another. Don’t plan your life based on something you absolutely cannot control. It’s possible you won’t ever marry or have children. Or your husband may not be able to support you staying home. With this is mind how do you feel you can best serve god? What direction will help you feel fulfilled? I think you should start there and let the rest come to you organically.

Title	looking for advice from married women/ moms... want to leave STEM to be SAHM but have questions...
Author	South-Luck-8025
Upvotes	13
Comments	21
Date	August 30, 2024 3:08 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1f4l6qr/looking_for_advice_from_married_women_moms_want/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/looking-for-advice-from-married-women-moms-want-to.1528821 https://theredarchive.com/post/1528821

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