Hey. First time posting on anything like this and really not used to it so sorry that this is so long and if I mess anything up. I'm going to put a tl;dr start and end around the backstory cause it's so long so you can skip if you want.

I have been with my wife for 16 years, 5 of it married. We've had many ups and downs but always seemed to work it out. Communication was a big miss for us. It was just a huge circle of me losing focus on what's important and her not being able to communicate that she needs more from me.

Tl;Dr start

About 8 years ago, she cheated on me. It was rough but honestly I was in a really bad place and even looking back at it now, I'm not sure if I truly blame her. We talked and she agreed to cease communications with the guy.

Fast forward to a week ago. We've been on a down slide as of late and work had me leave to another state for 3 months, where I drive home for 2 days each week. One of her good friends Dad died so while I was at work she went up there. It also happened to be the same town the guy she cheated on lived in. After an argument we had, she went over there and had sex with him.

I came home and noticed something was just off. I brushed it off and we just had some family time. Come to my work travel day and it was planned for her to go with me. We talked the night before how she wasn't feeling good about the relationship so I hoped having her with me would help. First night there I questioned her and she told me how she just connected with him and how she loves him....after talking to him for 2 weeks after a 7 year hiatus.

Since we were in a hotel for 5 days we talked. Alot. She was a different person. No emotion and said the most messed up things imaginable while I just sat there and took it. She said for this to work I need to open up the relationship so she could be with him when I wasn't available. I set a hard boundary as I'm just a monogamous guy. I told her that I want her to choose me and she has to cease communications with him again. This time she didn't want to do it, stating things about their connection. Eventually one night I got her to just consider it, but only because she was simply horny (which she is a lot). I told her I can't have sex unless she agrees and texts him that and she did, or so I thought. I told her I wasn't going to snoop through her phone anymore tho she changed her password anyway so I just trusted.

Tl;Dr end

We have a good day. I spoke my concerns and told her it doesn't feel like she wants to try. Took her all day for me to believe it. We drove home yesterday and I was just in my head and couldn't cheer up. I went to the backporch and just cried. We were drinking a little to try and have a fun night.

I go to bed with her and sleep earlier. She stayed up and drank a bit more then came to bed. That's where she initiated sex with me. We're both drunk and I agreed so we did. Halfway in I tried to stop cause I just didn't feel right about it but she insisted so we finished. Afterwards she passed out and I just got that....feeling.

I checked her phone. I know, I said I would trust her but I just couldn't shake the feeling at all. We laid down at 9p. She was texting him at 7p about how she misses him, what she truly wants, and how to break it to the kids.

I take a minute, turn on the light, and wake her up. I look her direct in the eye and ask, "Do you truly want this to work?" "Yes" "Do you promise me? You swear?" "Yes"

I then tell her that I saw her phone. She BLEW up at me about what happened to not trusting her and how I got in the phone. I was....stunned. Truly speechless. For the first time in my life I felt truly used and violated. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. She texted him about choosing him and then went and had sex with me while lying to my face about it. Yet we sat there and cry argued for hours with me just asking how she could do this to me. There was so little emotion in her voice.

I lay here now, in bed, both rings in hand after telling our kids we're getting a divorce on one of their birthdays. She's screaming periodically at me, slamming doors, and just causing a rough environment. I'm sure she's getting ready to leave now.

I'm so sorry about the length of this. Even if nobody reads this, I needed it. I don't know own what to do now. I'm not in a good place.