Striking the balance between not being eager but not being standoffish?

hunterpua · 2024-10-09T18:04:40+00:00

The key is Qualification.

The problem is, its grossly neglected by the vast majority of people who are trying to improve their dating life and even by people who give dating advice.

Qualification in a nutshell is getting the girl to prove herself to you.

Its important not just to make you look like some kind of "high value" guy with standards but it also serves to make it clear why you're interested in her.

If you just show interest without qualifying her, your interest feels less sincere and shallow.

If she doesn't know why you like her, she'll just assume its only because of what she looks like, and if she is good looking, that kind of interest has gotten very old for her.

But if you take the time to get to know her before you decide whether you actually like her or not, and you point out whenever she does/reveals things that you like, then the reasons why you like her will be crystal clear and she'll see that she earned your interest.

On a deeper level its also impossible for her to not take you for granted if you're just showing interest just because. That's because she would have hardly had to put any effort in to win you over.

Its like receiving $1000 just because you asked for it. Odds are, you're gonna blow through that money very quickly on meaningless purchases.

As opposed to earning $1000 through a month or so of honest and hard work. In this situation, you're much more likely to save it and put it to good use.

There's 2 sides to Qualification - Qualifying her and showing her interest.

Qualifying her is simple, you're asking her things or getting her to do things that help you determine whether you like her beyond what's on the surface.

You don't have to be qualifying for someone that's girlfriend or wife material btw. You don't need to ask if she's responsible or what's the longest relationship she's ever been in.

You can if that's what you're looking for.

But you can also qualify based on more casual things, by asking if she's adventurous, spontaneous, not possessive (in case you wanna sleep with multiple women at once), and even very sexual things like how well she can control her hips or her craziest sexual experience, as long as you bring those up at the right time.

Showing interest should come not only when she does in fact qualify herself to you but really, anytime she puts in a meaningful amount of effort to win you over.

So showing her interest doesn't necessarily need to follow from you qualifying her and her going along with it, if she's proactively trying to win you over you can already show her interest.

That's why things didn't work out with the second girl, because you didn't show her a proportionate amount of interest to the level of effort she put in to trying to win you over.

It would also help if you said you liked something or you compliment her for something and then gave a reason why you like whatever you like about her.

For example, with this second girl you can say, "I like how forward you are. I have a lot of respect for women like that" and that can also justify you asking her out right then and there.

With the first girl, odds are, you were just trying to show her a good time on the date and trying to be fun and engaging when texting, or maybe you were trying to be hot and cold without understanding why you're even doing that in the first place, because again, everyone neglects Qualification.

Qualification is why you would be hot and cold with someone, because being hot and cold is a natural manifestation of being on the fence about a person.

Being hot and cold is not playing games when you're qualifying, because you will be genuinely unsure about her.

What I do on first dates is actually qualify her for another date.

I don't voice the fact that I'm unsure whether I wanna see her again. I keep that to myself and just start qualifying her to find out.

Either I will qualify her further just in general to find out if I actually wanna keep seeing her or be more specific and qualify her to see if she likes other things that I like.

For example, I might qualify her on her tastes in food if there's somewhere else I wanna go to or another kind of food I enjoy. It's very easy to transition into this too if you're actually eating on the first date.

Or I might instead pry more into her interests if I'd prefer to do something more active than just sitting and eating/drinking for our second date.

And I really mean it when I'm qualifying. I'm not just doing that to avoid being taken for granted or to make my interest in her make sense.

Past a certain point, once you've had a bit of experience, some random chick sucking your dick isn't enough anymore. You'll get to a point where you'll want to enjoy every bit of your time with a woman, not just sit through a date, bored out of your mind, hoping you can pull that night to make up for it.

Beauty also won't be enough for you to have a good time anymore.

Less experienced guys will be stoked just to be out with a hottie. More experienced guys roll their eyes and sometimes are even the ones who make excuses to leave when being hot is all she has going for her.

Also, anyone with some self-respect, regardless of how little experience they have, would want to qualify women in hopes of trying have a higher quality dating/sex life rather than just trying to take whatever they can get.

One time, at the tail end of a first date, I had a girl in my bed, we had already been messing around and were both already completely naked. I was right about to penetrate her but she stopped me real quick to ask, "Did you know we were gonna have sex tonight?"

She told me afterwards that she asked that because she felt like I was 'too' smooth.

I said, "No, because I didn't know if I wanted to have sex with you at the start of our date...but I do now."

And then I put it in and we had hot steamy sex.

If you actually take time to Qualify her, you will naturally find that balance between not being eager and not being standoffish.

Its only when you're just trying to fuck no matter what that its hard to find that balance.

Amaran345 · 2024-10-09T16:52:03+00:00

If the girl has an avoidant attachment style, the balance that you want will never ever happen, you will always appear needy and too eager to them.

If the girl has an anxious attachment style, you will always look standoffish to her, and whatever you do, it's just not enough.

If the girl has a secure attachment style, she will communicate you her preferences and boundaries so that you can calibrate and find the balance, so that a healthy relationship or friendship can happen

Wing_Inevitable · 2024-10-09T18:09:29+00:00

Striking the balance between not being eager but not being standoffish?

I had to work with this puzzle of disjointed, vague information for 20 min

I littelary pulled out a pice of paper and wrote all the relivant information without filler so I can move things around to get a somewhat functioning picture.

Next time - just give the fucking texts and let people work with that.

Another important note - Stop trying to figure out your problems - You people misidentify them sooooo much it is just comical at this point.

I’m about to tell you something really funny - the outcome is based on smaller decisions along the way.

If you get fired it is not because on that day you sucked - you sucked all the way up to that day and that is when they just gave up on you.

right balance between not being needy and not being standoffish:

Not your problem. 0% what you did wrong.

Your question should be “How do I learn to not ask for a shit ton of compliance and prove to the girl I have 0 idea of what I’m doing”

but then when I messaged her to hang out again of also asking for her a date

First the mistake you made that you point to - asking her over text. Considering you see her every day. You could have SET UP the date IRL. And avoid any luck based shit all around.

Second : By the two together I can surmise you think “Asking “ is the way to go.

Which it isn’t . Proper phrasing is a thing over text - “Let’s do (activity)” is the way to go.

“Let’s go on a date” - is still wrong. You are not giving an activity.

The other guess I have as to what happened here is :

You didn’t have sex after the first date.

Which I’m guessing cuz you have the information giving ability of a dead fish.

In this plausible scenario - You just friend zoned yourself so asking for a date - would be incongruent with friendship.

would assume because I seemed too into her.

You can assume all you want. Too bad that is not how it works. You INVITING her on a date is not being needy.

If you begged - then yes it was needy.

Neediness comes from - Need. You being needy means you need something to happen.

Again you could have made a million different stupid mistakes along the way. Which I have to magically guess.

didn’t want to seem eager, so I figured we’d just connect on Insta instead on the spot,

This one is more straight forward - I have a hint to go off of.

Setting up the date in person - that is what you should have done.

“You like pizza - Let’s do pizza over the week” “when are you free?” - is the move here. It removes compliance.

Over text it is an incredibly difficult thing to do (where the whole 5-10% of number closes end in dates comes from ). In particular these days. If you have the chance to avoid it I would recommend it.

The problem here was - you just doing bad moves and relying on luck that they work out.

Both of these were the exact opposite approach but ended with the same result, which is the girl going from super into me to having little interest in me.

Turns out NO. I can name the problems in both by using the same words - Making stupid moves. (The problem is you won’t get what you did wrong if I do that)

It is the exact same problem and fix in both cases.

“Set up the date in person “ - being the fix

I know I need to strike a balance between these in the future, but I honestly don’t know where to start.

You know nothing. I’m still pissed at you for making me work with this.

This doesn’t come too easy to me, because I always feel like when I do show interest, girls lose interest.

Just to prove a point.

What do you mean by “show interest” ?

Cuz I have never seen it happen. Now my definition of showing interest is thru the eyes when we talk.

The point in this overly complicated concept was - You use vague terms and expect me to guess their meanings.

I know you mean interest as “Want to spend your time with me. I have no idea what will do or when it will happen and will give you 0 information IF you will like it”

But when I try to play it cool, they don’t think I’m interested and also lose interest.

What do you mean by “play it cool” ?

Cuz play it cool means : Not needing something to happen.

I can play it cool and text her 37 times in a min.

Just because I know you mean - “show 0 interest and expect her to guess if I like her at all or think she is a turd flouting in the toilet”

Again the point is learn how to give out information IF you want help.

miyass_miyass · 2024-10-09T19:35:18+00:00

When in doubt, lean towards eager. At your experience level trying to be aloof is just going to come across as timid.

edit: wtf whats with the downvotes lol

MysteryLiezer · 2024-10-09T15:29:33+00:00

I’ve never had a girl lose interest because I showed “too much” interest

Title	Striking the balance between not being eager but not being standoffish?
Author	laptopglass
Upvotes	16
Comments	34
Date	October 9, 2024 2:52 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1fzt9n8/striking_the_balance_between_not_being_eager_but/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/striking-the-balance-between-not-being-eager-but.1532526 https://theredarchive.com/post/1532526

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