I'm sorry if this isn't the right place for relationship advice but I know if I post in /r/relationships I'll just get called an insecure misogynist for even caring about sexual history. Personally I think there are a lot of truths in red pill philosophies even if I don't agree with every post so maybe someone here will have some good advice for me.

I've been with my current girlfriend for about a year and a half now and in many ways the relationship is great. She's very kind and caring. She's very committed to me. We have similar interests and we have a lot of fun together and we've made some amazing memories. We have strong sexual chemistry. On paper it sounds perfect but the reality is that I have a lot of trouble appreciating the good sometimes because of how disturbed I am by her sexual history.

It's not like she was a huge slut before we started dating but she also certainly wasn't the pure virgin I wish she was. She's had a lot of boyfriends and few casual hook ups as well. Her n-count is 8 and 11 if you count oral (IMO oral should always count, it's still a penis that's been inside of her) Most of these were in relationships but that doesn't make it much better in my mind since she was a serial monogamist for a while which in my mind is just another form of promiscuity. There's also a few other details about her history that are especially upsetting to me

-she became sexually active at a pretty young age. She likes to say that she was a virgin until college but I know she gave her first blow job when she was barely 14 so the fact that she held off on intercourse doesn't really make me feel any better.

-She had an incident of "borderline cheating" with one of her exes and to make things way more personal I was the 'other man' in this instance. (The details of the story are she got in a fight with her boyfriend one and she ends up storming out and telling him she's done. Then that night she meets me, says nothing about her boyfriend and we end up making out. The next day her Boyfriend apologizes and she takes him back and then tells me that we can't be more than friends. So she didn't technically cheat but it's still a pretty poor example of fidelity).

-Literally the weekend before we started talking she had a drunken hook up with one of the guys in my friend circle.

A lot of people say that when you obsess over a partners past it's because of insecurity about being cheated on. And I won't lie that's definitely a part of it for me. I know the studies show that women with higher n-counts are more likely to cheat/divorce and thinking back to instances in the past where she's exhibited poor self control certainly doesn't inspire confidence. However, I don't think this is the main problem. Overall I don't really think she'll cheat on me. She acts very committed and she's pretty good about not putting herself in bad situations.

For me the real problem is how her past makes me feel on a visceral and instinctual level. I think it's natural for men to be attracted to chastity and turned off by promiscuity and for whatever reason I just seem to exhibit these preferences to a much higher degree than other people.

Thinking about her past just makes me feel gross. It's like the feeling you get when take a sip of milk and then you immediately spit it out because you realize it's gone bad and then you just shudder and fell gross all over because you know what was just in your mouth. Except it's worse in this case because I haven't "spit her out" yet so to speak because I'm still with her. So the feeling just lingers. And sometimes it's no big deal. I can be distracted by things going on around me and I can be happy and have fun times. But sometimes the feelings just shove themselves in my face and it can really ruin my day. The worst part is that letting these feelings fester is just breeding other bad emotions. Self loathing because I keep putting myself through this. Resentment towards her and just negativity in general. It's at the point where I've been clinically depressed for the past year or so. Now of course you should ask 'is her past causing my depression or is my depression causing me to get upset over the past?' I think the answer to that question is that it goes both ways. Both of them feed into each other.

I know that I need to either find a better way to deal with these emotions her past causes me to feel or I need to break up with her because I can't keep going on like this it's tearing me apart. There are days I can barely drag myself out of bed. I spend way too much time fantasizing about suicide. I haven't made an attempt yet and I don't plan to but I have self harmed in minor ways a couple times.

I know some of you might advise me to just leave her but I really don't want that to be the answer. Our relationship has it's bad times for sure but it has it's good times too and the good times aren't just good they're amazing. I've made all my favorite memories with her. I love her and I know she loves me too. If we do break up it's going to be heartbreaking for both of us. And furthermore I'm worried if I break up with her I'll be alone forever. Not because No one else will ever want to date me. I know I'm a desirable guy. I don't think I'll have any trouble getting dates. But I'm 22 I just graduated college and I'm about as far from conservative as it gets. The vast majority of the girls who are going to be compatible with me also have their own sexual histories which means I'm not going to be able to date any of them either because I'll just run into the exact same problem.