Hey everyone! I recently wrote a post thanking the community for my absolute dream of a marriage. This is a follow-up containing all the RPW strategies I found the most beneficial and effective. I hope the post is not too basic and can help some people.

TL;DR: skim the titles for a general idea

Frankly, a lot of these strategies are commonly talked about on this sub, so in hopes of contributing something new, I will discuss them from the perspective of someone who overcame a lot of mental health issues that should have been deadly to relationships. Specifically, I hope to offer some mindset shifts and specific ways to apply these strategies, even if you have a lot of trauma and fears around safety and control.

Just how bad was I before? I'm talking about an anxious-avoidant attachment style, a 100% win rate at the fights I pick, the need to destroy something if it's going too well, a seemingly natural talent at guilt-tripping, a 99th percentile score at Machiavellism, and the general ability to make men in my life feel like shit (and also like they are indebted to me forever).

Okay, I am exaggerating a little bit, but I did grow up in a wealthy but very abusive home. My dad was absent for most of my childhood, and my mom was verbally and physically abusive in almost every way you can think of. Everything was my fault (or my dad's if that poor soul is at home) and anything less than perfect is not good enough. Without trauma dumping too much, it was basically the perfect breeding ground for a girl who finds safety in instability, craves control and needs others to be wrong in order to feel okay.

Even then, persistent self-improvement and applying the following strategies helped me achieve the best relationship I could possibly ask for. I am still definitely a work in progress, and everything below is just my personal experience. It may not work for you the same way it worked for me, but I hope it helps a little!

Pre-requisites

If you come from a background like mine, I think you need the following before even getting into a relationship:

  • You have recognised that the way you want to treat men and the relationship modelled for you is not okay. It's hurtful to both you and him. It's fine if you don't know what it should look like quite yet, as long as you're open to learning.
  • You understand there is value in stability, even if you are uncomfortable with it. Childhood instability is the whole reason why I was like that, why would I want it to continue? (i.e. please don't go for alpha chads who treat you like shit while vetting, break the cycle!)
  • Most people are good, decent people. If you treat them well, they will try their best to treat you well.
  • Understand that you can learn healthier coping mechanisms
  • Ideally, have a good therapist and great friends.

In short, be willing to improve and have faith that things could be good.

Most importantly, understand that treating people badly will result in a bad relationship (what a concept right), even if you have good intentions deep down! In other words, if you love him, sound like it and act like it. Love & be lovable <3

(p.s. I'm not writing about vetting here. This advice is assuming you have found a good, reliable man and you two love & respect each other.)

1 - STFU

This literally saved me so many times. Regardless of how hurtful and vile your thoughts are, you can't hurt anyone if you don't say them!

The two situations I default to STFU are

He is doing something and I have ~opinions~ about it

Unless the opinion is "Wait babe you forgot to unplug it" (i.e. literal danger), it's usually pretty rude and disrespectful to say anything. I ask myself these questions before saying anything:

  1. Has he done this before and does he seem capable of doing it? If so, STFU
  2. If he (or god forbid my mum) said this to me, would I be mad? If so, STFU
  3. Do I want to start doing this instead of him? If not, STFU. "You can ask me to do it or show me how it's done, but not both."
  4. Had this been when we first started dating, would I have had the same complaint, or just found it sweet? If it's sweet in the first 3 months, it's sweet now, STFU.
  5. Does it matter at all? Is what I'm about to say important? Is saying something worth a potential argument? No? STFU

I will sound like I'm attributing blame.

I still struggle with this at times, because this only happens when there is already external stress. For example, if we are about to miss a flight and I start going "omg I can't believe this is happening, how would we recover, we should have left earlier, blah blah blah" - great, I sound like I just blamed him in 3 different ways and he feels even worse. I think this type of behaviour is what men mean by "it feels like everything is my fault".

My best strategy is if I really need to express something, then I should dig for the base emotion and express that instead. In the above example, what I am actually feeling is fear that it's my fault and fear that the vacation is ruined. All I want is some reassurance that it's going to be okay. If I said the above, he would have been sulking or annoyed, and I would not have gotten any of that reassurance. Instead, I should just say "Aah I am worried this is my fault, I hope I didn't ruin the vacation". Chances are, instead of being annoyed, he would go "It's not your fault baby, it will be okay", which is all I wanted.

Also, if something is indeed his fault, also STFU. He probably feels horrible about it already, no need to make it worse.

Obviously, STFU if you are about to pick a fight or say something you know is going to cause a reaction. The urge will pass and one day it will never come again. Trust me. Some women just want to feel good right this moment, right now, and they don't care about the damage that could cause in the long term. It's seriously not worth it.

2 - Express Gratitude + Compliment Him

My mindset around it is this: if he does something (no matter how mundane), and you want him to keep doing it, thank him and compliment him for it. Sometimes I tell my husband I'm so grateful the lights are on even though I never paid a single utility bill in my entire life. Other things I thank + compliment him for include:

  • Any chores he does. This might be why he forbids me from doing the dishes so he can do them sometimes. 
  • when he pays the bill at restaurants, or anytime he buys me stuff
  • making me laugh (“omg how did I marry the funniest man alive I love you so much”) 
  • any time he is extra patient with me 
  • any time he compliments me
  • sex
  • gifts, dates, and vacations. Please don't be that person who tells off their partner for giving them a gift, a good way to guarantee no more gifts again. Receive graciously!
  • general things like my lifestyle, happiness, and mental health, "if it weren't for you, I'd never been able to do ..."

Sometimes I manufacture silly little opportunities to thank him too, like asking him to open a jar even if I could myself.

I want to bring up a very toxic mindset I grew up seeing: the idea that if you compliment someone, they will think they are doing enough, and thus stop trying(??) It makes no sense and people don't work like this. They will only want to do more, not less.

If it's something I'd thank a stranger for, I will also thank him. Some people treat people the closest to them much worse than how they treat strangers. That, again, makes no sense.

3 - Apologise when you're wrong

A good apology has these parts: 1. I did ___ and it was wrong/rude/disrespectful, 2. I am sorry, thanks for telling me, 3. it won't happen again + how. What I found when I did this was:

  • it undoes the failure to STFU. A lot of times not STFU is disrespectful. Apologising reinstills that respect.
  • he feels comfortable apologising to me
  • we grow closer because of it
  • we can fully resolve the issue, meaning resentment won't build up, and old issues are never brought up in new arguments

Scary stuff, I know. I think the central fear I had around this was that he would somehow use this as an opportunity to gloat and hold it over me, making me lose all control in the process. If that's a genuine fear, I suggest using it as a vetting strategy. If he doesn't the first time, he's probably not going to do it in the future either.

The first time I apologised to my husband, maybe a month or so into us dating, he was in so much shock that the issue was immediately forgiven and resolved. He was so used to girls making everything his fault. Honestly, my heart broke a little for him, and I fully realised just how much damage I could do to him if I wanted to. It made me more certain of my resolve to work on these mental issues.

Something I realised is that my inability to take responsibility and apologise & my tendency to lash out had a lot to do with self-hatred. Anything I perceived as my fault sent me into a self-protective overdrive. My self-esteem was so low that I couldn't possibly accept any more blame. This improved as my mental health gradually got better, but I also realised what I actually wanted was to be told that it's okay and this mistake does not make me unlovable. Apologising and being forgiven actually gives me that.

4 - Surrender control

Even scarier! However, I found that this is so important to help my partner "lead" and be engaged. If you read my previous post, I am incredibly taken care of and provided for, and my husband almost always puts my interests before his. I think surrendering some control has a lot to do with that.

Other benefits include being much less anxiety-ridden and stressed out because you know someone who loves you very much has got your back. It also creates a lot of opportunities for gratitude and bonding.

Do note that I am not talking about being a doormat and having no clue where the family money is going and no emergency savings. For example, I have my own credit, savings, and investments. All of our family finances are on joint accounts I have access to, etc.

This was a slow, step-by-step process for me, looking something like this:

  1. Practised not controlling *his* life, i.e. what he does with his time, how he does things, etc (STFU is a part of this) I say "whatever you want", "whatever you think is good", "whatever makes you happy" a lot, when he is clearly looking for validation and not advice.
  2. I made room for him to "step up" and be an engaged partner. I don't plan everything despite the urge to do so and I ask him for his opinion in an accepting way.
  3. I asked him if he could be so kind as to take over some of the things I am really bad at, I'd be *really* grateful. He is in charge of stuff like finances, navigation, and throwing out the trash, and he seems really happy to do it.
  4. I do everything he asks me to, as long as I can handle it. If he's sitting on the couch and he asks for a drink, you bet I'm getting that drink and coming back all excited. I think to some extent this makes him extra considerate of how his decisions and actions affect me.

Mindset shifts that helped me implement this process:

  • It's a trauma response and not normal to want to control someone else's every move. It's ineffective and will likely lead to the cycle of abuse continuing.
  • Men, at least this man, actually want to provide and make women happy. My happiness and gratitude make him happy too, so our interests are fundamentally aligned here and I have nothing to worry about.
  • This guy is objectively intelligent and capable.
  • Understood that a lot of things are not that big of a deal compared to the general health and happiness of my relationship.
  • I told myself that if I couldn't trust my husband, then I should at least trust my own taste in men.
  • If I get really, really in my head, I just tell myself that giving up control is an effective manipulation tactic. If I had to be crazy, at least be crazy in an effective way.

5 - Take care of yourself and your mood

My mood affects the mood of the whole house. My relationship definitely improved as my depressive episodes lessened. Eating well, exercising, and going outside really do wonders. If you like science-based self-improvement content, I enjoy putting the Huberman podcast in the background.

A valuable lesson I learned in therapy is how to regulate my emotions in a healthy way. Instead of seeking safety in control and winning fights, I can seek safety in cuddles, music, a good show, and other positive interactions. Once I refrained from those insane highs and lows, I found my tolerance of it went way down and I no longer seek it out.

Also, I am in a much better mood when I am intellectually and aesthetically fulfilled. If I give myself time to pursue my interests, read, do my projects, and indulge in pretty things, I am so much happier.

One of my husband's favourite things about me is how I find so much wonder and joy in the little things in the world, like a particularly pretty birdsong or a cute puppy. My delight seems to directly translate to his delight, so I try to be delighted often.

6 - Never get angry (childlike anger and response)

I want to touch on anger as the most unattractive and useless emotion. For me, anger is rarely the "real" feeling, but rather sadness, fear, or hurt in disguise. Expressing anger instead of those actual emotions never results in what I want. Time and time again it is proven to me that being mad will only make things worse.

In my experience, harsh tones and impatience are always met with equally harsh tones. If all I want is an apology or to be comforted, my husband getting agitated or annoyed by how harsh I'm being is the last thing I need. If it's a serious issue and he has hurt me, I will digest it and STFU until the anger has cleared and I can see how I am truly feeling, and convey that.

It was daunting at first to abandon anger because it feels like a good "shield" from those uncomfortable emotions. However, I remind myself that it's ultimately ineffective and has literally never helped in the past, so why do it again?

I'm a pretty cutesy person in real life, so if I really had to express frustration, expressing anger in a childlike way always worked well for me. It releases the frustration and it gets me the comfort or validation that I'm seeking in the first place because he thinks I'm being super cute.

I lean into my cutesy nature a lot. My husband really likes it (in that I am very lucky). Some men may not so your mileage may vary. It's a really good way to de-escalate situations and make us feel closer immediately.

Here and here are great resources on this idea.

7 - Sex!!

In the 5 years we've been together, I have never turned him down even once (aside from health concerns). We have done everything we're into or curious about, and we continue to spice it up every now and then. This is mostly because my sex drive is pretty high, and I have a more libertine view of it than most.

I have always felt like you don't need to be in the mood for sex to have sex. My husband takes me to the mall when I ask him to and I doubt he is in the mood for the mall ever. Personally, I also found it pretty easy to get into the mood once it starts. I am somewhat lucky that I grew up in a very sex-positive place, so even though my first time was with my husband (then boyfriend), I never struggled with being too conservative about sex.

Here are some of the things I do:

  • Always say yes when I am physically able to
  • I make it easy for him to initiate (e.g. asking for massages and cuddles before bed)
  • I am an incredibly enthusiastic and active participant, both physically and verbally.
  • I put up a good show to keep it fun - sometimes I go full slut mode, sometimes I act a bit coy, etc
  • I try to improve and learn (practice new tricks, and new positions, & ask for feedback. r/sex is a good resource)
  • I am grateful for his effort and participation and I let him know, it's a lot of work!
  • I also express a lot of admiration for him (you can imagine how)
  • I am pretty open about my kinks and fantasies and I am very accepting of his, even if I'm not super into them
  • I try to keep it sexy in everyday life by always being a little flirty
  • I try to keep it sexually dimorphic when possible, for lack of a better term. I've found the stronger the contrast between us, the better the sex. I won't get into any kinky stuff here, but there are ways to make him feel extra masculine and strong, and me extra feminine and ~weak~, so the sex is extra fun.

The way I think about it, it's literally a zero-cost way to show deep appreciation for your partner in a way you know he would like. It should also be comfortable if not equally as pleasurable for you (or else go see a doctor). It's also a great way for you to feel closer to him and make your feelings for him stronger.

I remember one day I was being extra attentive, and he just went "Wow, you must really love me". Hehe, yes I do.

8 - Basic Attractiveness and Skills (homemaking, appearance, etc.)

My personal experience (which might not be entirely in alignment with this sub), is you only need to be decent enough at these things such that

  1. There are one or two things you're great at
  2. Both you and your partner find the rest acceptable
  3. It's makes you happy and gives you confidence

There is no need to twist yourself into a knot trying to looksmaxx or something like that. I take care of my appearance but I am not a model by any stretch. I love cooking and I'm great at it, but our place is not spotless. If I'm hotter and the house is cleaner, would he love me more? Probably, but it's certainly not a hard requirement for a good relationship. Most of my issues were clearly personality-based, so I spent most of my time on that instead. There is definitely room for improvement for me here.

Here are the things I personally focus on to make myself more attractive:

  • Cooking & baking - it's a hobby and I love his reactions to my food every time.
  • A great skincare routine + a pretty no-makeup makeup look that emphasises my features
  • pretty hair + smell nice
  • a good wardrobe with durable, high-quality pieces that complement my personality
  • relentless self-improvement. Once I'm fully done with mental health issues, I think I will move on to fitness.
  • my own career + interests. Men do want to provide but I don't think they want dead weight.

That wraps up most of what I do. It's preventative maintenance - most of these things came easy during the honeymoon period, and I am determined to keep doing them regardless of how long we have been married. It has worked so far, and I hope it will work for the rest of my life. One of my biggest flexes is nothing changed when we got married - I kept doing all these things, and he kept being amazingly loving and nice to me. (My second biggest flex is probably his enthusiasm to wife me up ASAP haha.)

Thanks for reading if you got this far. Sorry for how long this post got. I hope it provided something of value. Feel free to ask for any clarifications and let me know your thoughts!