My (27F) boyfriend (30M) of 3.5 years and I have different timelines for marriage and children, and I’m unsure if I should continue waiting for him to be ready or if he’s just going to keep “moving the goalpost.”

emerald_e · 2024-10-11T19:21:41+00:00

His vagueness and procrastination are huge red flags. 3.5 years has been more than enough time for him to decide if he wants a future with you or not.

Was it a few months ago that he asked you to "give him a year"? (The fact that he said you could get married right away then is another red flag - that's BS and I'd bet anything he just said it to stop you from walking away then and there.)

I'm torn between agreeing with the other poster that you shouldn't give him an ultimatum OR telling him that you're taking him at his word on the one-year timeline/will be walking away if nothing has changed then. But honestly, if your gut is already telling you the writing is on the wall, I would say just leave him now.

Independent-Story883 · 2024-10-11T14:24:45+00:00

It is common for a man to say anything to get a good woman to stay.

It is common for good women with lots of options to believe weak promises and outright lies from a not so good man.

In these situations i reccomend:

Create your internal timeline. Let him know your concerns. Give him a kiss and a hug. Tell him what he means to you. Do NOT give an ultimatum. Just tell him you are waiting and will continue to do so until you can no longer. Give him a kiss.

When the timeline arrives. Leave immediately. Swiftly and without drama. Cut him off. Find someone else. Some men enjoy waiting until you have no other options for fertility.

If he asks why , just say “time was up. Goodbye.”

XgoldendawnX · 2024-10-12T11:04:11+00:00

Look once you leave him please please please please please don’t get upset that he marries the next girl he is with within 6 months to a year. I promise it has nothing to do with you.

What really happened is he realized what he lost and realizes how much effort a good woman puts in to make his life comfortable. I’d bet my bottom dollar that right now you are already doing everything you would do as a wife. He doesn’t appreciate that, but he will in your absence.

If a man knows he wants to get married eventually it’s a lack of maturity stopping him. Also you seem of sound mind. What sense does it make to tie yourself to a man that can’t articulate his 1 year goals. Like girl, it’s 1 year. You didn’t ask for a 5 year plan… Not only can he not articulate, but he also can’t strategize it.

Your bigger issue is do you want to revolve your life and have kids with a man who lies and doesn’t have a plan?

I wouldn’t leave under the guise of we aren’t married. If straight up tell him I feel uncomfortable with being with a man who can’t tell me a plan for his life and individual goals for just a single year. You said in another comment it’s been 6 months. I’d also say I haven’t noticed anything different and you are at the halfway mark of whatever goals you claimed you wanted to achieve. Essentially have a performance review.

Overall, want better for yourself.

saltandspirit · 2024-10-11T15:59:01+00:00

Women want to marry the right guy right away. Men want to marry when they are ready, regardless of the woman they are with. Not to say he'll marry any woman, but the threshold for a good woman is probably not as high as for what women want in a man.

That being said, you're probably better off leaving and dating more established men who get excited about discussing future family scenarios, otherwise you may find yourself waiting a long time.

TheBunk_TB · 2024-10-11T13:17:05+00:00

Is he worried about providing for them, you?

InevitableKiwi5776 · 2024-10-11T15:35:16+00:00

Has he ever brought up marriage or kids on his own, without prompting from you?

CountTheBees · 2024-10-12T13:18:42+00:00

Is he generally conflict avoidant? Does he tackle difficult issues head on? I'm not asking from a "is he a good man" perspective but a "why would he be doing this" perspective.

In general terms, telling a man you only want marriage and are willing to end the relationship/dating phase if they're not heading for marriage is a great way of weeding out men who know they're not serious and want to be ethical about it, but it's not a good way of weeding out men who don't really know what they want yet and are go-with-the-flow types.

Unfortunately it sounds like he may have been undecided and wanted to stick around because of FOMO. It could also be that he had decided but has cold feet. The way he's taking about it makes it sound like the problem is marriage in general not marriage to you specifically.

If he's conflict avoidant that would be not great here - because in that case, if there were problems with you it's likely he would be unable to communicate them to you. So it could be he does want marriage and wasn't lying about that but is unable to commit to you and is unable to break up with you and is lying about why it's taken him this long. This is all assuming he hasn't raised any issues with you or asked you to self improve before marriage.

If he's not conflict avoidant then it's likely he is telling the truth and has some sort of cold feet which it may be possible to push through by keeping on for another X months.

Either way staying after that year is up is not a great strategy, and telling him you'll leave is also not a great strategy unless you want to FOMO/guilt trip him into marrying you. I know it seems unfair not to "communicate" your intentions to leave in advance but if it comes to X months later and he hasn't got a decision - you not communicating is nowhere near as bad as him not communicating.

Ashamed-Rope2937 · 2024-10-11T13:24:29+00:00

These are conversations one individual must have alone in-depth and gain clarity on what they want for themselves in life. After that we MUST discuss these things in-depth with our partners prior to marriage and maybe even revisit every now and again to make sure you are still aligned because goals change. I get it sucks to invest time and get close to some one then have to end it over differentiating marital views, but it was gonna end either way... That's life and what dating is or what comes with being single. But don't ever be too afraid or too desperate to finely vet your future life partner. Have the tough talks yes, but then act. Pivot. Let them know your goals and why this wont work. Especially if you are the woman, because usually if a man wants to marry you he will. It doesn't take too long or he at least won't over procrastinate. Give yourself time to be sure this is what you want as far as ending things. Definitely promptly communicate with your partner with love so he has a chance to step into the role of your husband by choice and if not then make your best move. You don't want this to drag out and you end up with someone for 13 years with a family and no ring.

PS. Pressuring him is just gonna make him run from the thought of marriage. When asking some a question, especially an important question, no answer isn't acceptable in dating. That should be enough to be a red flag unless one asks too soon. You can't plan a future with no information on your partners thinking and direction. It's uncommon for men to change their stances but it's possible. But you don't really have to wait for someone else to pursue your dreams. That's a choice. If you stay he don't owe you anything and you foul if you resent him. Better to leave rather than do all of that.

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Omahaapenguin · 2024-10-13T12:28:39+00:00

I can give you the best advice I ever heard I think it was Jordan B Peterson inspired. But anyways it was on YouTube and it was about how compatibility comes in many forms. If you both want kids great - first level compatibility right? Now let’s say you want kids within 3-5 years for health reasons or because you genuinely in your heart and soul want to be a mum for your own happiness. Now he wants kids in 5-10. This not only jeopardises your health depending how old you are - as well as the health of your child (in your case you’ll have to make up your mind on that but honestly the science is pretty objectively conclusive on women after 30,35 and 40 respectively). But also it completely makes you unhappy, unfulfilled, depressed and feel like you’re losing out on something your whole heart desires… and he feels oppositely. I.e. having them sooner makes him feel depressed etc. then fundamentally if you cannot compromise - you’re not compatible.

Simple … not easy.

CauliflowerProof2111 · 2024-10-11T13:51:26+00:00

You will have to explain to him that men and women have different internal clocks. At 27, as a woman your life is slowing down and your child bearing years are on decline. At 30 for a man you're entering the peak of your life physically. Studies show most women find men in their mid 40s to be the most attractive but men are most attracted to very young women regardless of age. Between this and menopause, it's time for kids now.

AutoModerator · 2024-10-11T12:53:24+00:00

Title: My (27F) boyfriend (30M) of 3.5 years and I have different timelines for marriage and children, and I’m unsure if I should continue waiting for him to be ready or if he’s just going to keep “moving the goalpost.”

Author Exact_Conference_166

Full text: I hope this is okay to post here. I am new but could really use some advice.

Some context: Before we started dating, I made it absolutely clear that I’ve always wanted marriage and kids. I even said I wouldn’t entertain a relationship with someone who wasn’t sure about wanting the same thing. He told me he was on the same page. About 1.5 years into our relationship, I brought up the future—engagement, etc.—and he told me that while we had time and there was no rush, he did see a future with me. Since then, we’ve had on-and-off conversations about how many kids we want, potential names, and so on, and we always seemed to agree.

A few months ago, I finally asked him about his plans. My younger sister got engaged, and a few of my friends are married with kids. Plus, I feel my biological clock ticking. He then told me he has “goals he wants to reach” before getting married and having kids, and that he “only recently started thinking about his future, which scares him.” I was shocked because we’ve talked about our future before, yet suddenly he’s saying he hadn’t really been thinking about it? It hurt me, as now I wondered if every time he said he saw a future with me he may have just been saying that to say it.

He then told me he does want to marry me and sees me as the mother of his children—“if he has them.” Now he’s uncertain about whether he wants kids at all or when that might happen. As for engagement and marriage, he asked me to “give him a year to sort his stuff out,” after which we could get married right away. I feel defeated because if he had said all of this before we started dating, we wouldn’t be here now. But I love him, and I believe he would be a great father, yet I’m afraid he’ll keep moving the goalpost on when he’ll be ready and I don’t know how much longer I need to keep doing things on his timeline and pace when he never seems to meet me halfway.

As for the goals he needs to meet, when I asked for specifics, he didn’t give any. We’ve had several conversations about it, but all I get from him is that he’s unsure if he’d be a good dad or husband and wants to achieve unspecified career goals (even though he already has an amazing career and does very well for himself).

So my question is: Is it common for men to change their stance like this? I feel like he must have been lying to me in the past whenever he mentioned kids, but I can’t understand why he would do that. Is it worth waiting to see if he changes his mind ?

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lraadu · 2024-10-19T10:36:28+00:00

No advice here, only to say that I'm word for word in the same position and provide solidarity I guess? It's a horrible situation to be in. I'm choosing to trust God, but that's not easy.

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