I am 29F and been following this subreddit for sometime. My background is that I didn't date in early 20s because of extreme shyness, low self esteem and mental illness. I found a good therapist and really pushed myself to work on my self esteem, my appearance and overall life. I am learning to be better at taking care of home and cooking. I dress feminine and try to act feminine. It's not perfect but I am doing so much better than even 4 years ago (found the therapist in 2021). I finally began dating 2 years ago seriously. I had 2 relationships, both were amazing people but one had both different life goals and bad insecurity, the other didn't have his life together. So we ended up parting ways. I realised I was with both of them because of past self esteem issues cropping up and making me go for anyone who was actually willing to commit easily.

Now, recently I got back on dating market again and had looking for'relationship' clearly mentioned on my profile. I started going on date with this guy who was quite amazing on paper. Now, I don't know if he was above my league or if it's my self esteem issues putting me down. I do know I asked him after 3rd date what his relationship goals were (he had mentioned relationship on his profile too) and he said he was looking for a girlfriend. I did note that he didn't say I might be that. He also mentioned that he has not been on a date with other people since we went on date. After 5th date and 1.5 month of talking, I asked him again and he said we were exclusive.

In a decision I deeply regret, after confirming this with him, I thought we could actually have sex and we had sex. As you can imagine from the title, slow withdrawal and then 'I need to reconsider and also there is work' post. I never replied since I know it's a waste of time. I guess I should be grateful since I wasn't kicked out unceremoniously in the night. It was a shock for me since I thought exclusive dating meant something. He knew I wanted a relationship, and he said he wanted a relationship. He may have lied or he may have changed his mind with post nut clarity. But overall, I am in a bitter mood. I think for the next few months I'm going to squeeze out free dinners and validation out of guys while depriving then of sex to feel better.

But after that once I've calmed down, how do I weed out guys who might be (1) straight up lying or (2) who might be above my league but because of sexual attraction, are interested and don't even realise that they're not interested beyond sex. I'm installing a 3 months minimum dating rule. (I don't want anyone whining about how it's unfair I'm getting the next guy to wait longer. I'm sure guys also don't bestow commitment after exactly same period of dating.) Secondly, I will not have sex until my status as a girlfriend has been declared with 100% certainty. Are there other suggestions? What am I doing wrong? Is my intended response wrong? How else can I weed out a guy who is above my status? But also the last 2 relationships I realised I was punching down because it was safe and easy. I feel like my judgement in general is haywire. I've always been nerdy, worldly unwise type. Now, suddenly I've to judge people and I am lost. I have no faith in my vetting ability.

I still feel a bit hesitant to just say to a guy on the first date itself that I'm dating to marry. I have seen few posts where women have said that. I also know waiting longer has its own type of risks from the side bar but those are the risks I would happily bear. Honestly, if I can't be certain about the next person I date seriously, I would rather never have sex and marry. I'm in the UK for additional context. I've the throwaway because the main account has too much identifiable information.