For those in a happy marriage, what qualities did you look for in a man when dating?

Wife_and_Mama · 2025-01-12T14:27:03+00:00

When it comes to finding a husband or wife, I think women and men both over emphasize trivial qualities, like having similar hobbies, friends, senses of humor. Those things are definitely worth considering, of course. Who wants to spend their life with someone who thinks everything they like is stupid? People do change, though. They gain new interests. They relocate for work and have to make new friends. Even senses of humor develop over time. So while conversational chemistry is both real and important, I think the stuff you've mentioned is a better starting point.

When I started dating more seriously, I loosened my requirements for the trivial, such as height, hair color, etc. I doubled down on ones that mattered more, though.

After a couple of dates with agnostics/atheists, I realized that, although I had a lot of non-Christian friends, I couldn't share a life and children with someone who had fundamentally different religious beliefs.
Financially, I cared more about potential than anything else, because careers change. I sought ambition, drive, work ethic. My husband has all of these with enough to spare.
At the time, I'd always planned to work, but still sought someone who wanted a traditional relationship dynamic. My husband came from a pretty traditional family, with whom he was and is still close. He wanted kids and spent a lot of time with his nieces. He felt the man should be the head of the household. All of that worked in our favor when we had our twins and realized we wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom.
I grew up with emotionally and physically abusive parents, so emotional stability was big for more. I remember leaving the blanket in the car on our third date, only remembering after walking a mile or two. My husband was entirely unruffled. We just turned back around and walked to my car, him on the street side. To this day, he's quite the stoic.

Just remember that you can have chemistry with a lot of different kinds of people. Hold your ground on the stuff that matters, and you can work from there.

mistressusa · 2025-01-12T15:39:01+00:00

As the mother of two young women (21 and 24), the biggest mistake I see young women make is staying in a relationship with men who aren't really into them. The quality you listed "willingness to take action rather than just talk" is a sign of a man who is not into you. A man who is excited about you will take action before you even think of it. If you ever notice that you have to push hard for him to do simple things for you (ie. hang a painting for you, pick you up from wherever, take out the trash, etc), he is not really into you.

Another obvious sign of him not into you is he doesn't care to make a good impression on people who are important to you (ie. your siblings, parents, besties, coworkers)

A third obvious sign of him not into you is he keeps you kinda hidden. He doesn't take you out on dates, he doesn't introduce you to his friends but especially family. Some will be happy to meet your friends and family, but just won't let you meet his family.

Bottom line, don't waste your precious 20s dating men who aren't really into you. Chances of you changing their minds are very low.

worldlysentiments · 2025-01-12T20:53:06+00:00

These are some things I could see becoming an issue later if not addressed earlier:

-Similarity of morals/beliefs

-Do you guys have a compatibility when it comes to alone time/ time together ratio

-Desire for future things (children, etc)

-Financial spending patterns (are one of you really loose with spending vs the other being frugal)

-Family involvement (are you both okay with the amount of time and involvement you want with your family or theirs.)

-Compatibility of decision making skills (if you’re both really indecisive or overly decisive then you could have issues later with control or lack of lol)

The list could go on. Obviously some compromises can be made with things but these are a few I think of.

I was told once to not fall in love with the idea of what someone can be because you can’t guarantee they will change or grow. What you see now is reality. Again, people can change for worse or better.. but I think a lot of people see men at fairly bad places in life and think “oh well once he gets xyz together then he will maybe go do xyz and thennnnn we will be happy” .. but look at their life patterns. Do you think they will follow through etc. In my 20s I always met nice, well meaning guys but they had no real aspirations.. I would just make it up in my head that they could do these things and be successful.. which they probably could have, but they didn’t lol.

dressedlikeadaydream · 2025-01-12T14:46:26+00:00

I had a pretty long of personal preferences and while they could be somewhat fluid, I absolutely did not waiver on the foundational "faith, family, and finances" bit and I think that worked out for me in the long run. It's a cliche for a reason, imo.

BumpinBellys · 2025-01-13T03:27:35+00:00

He was interesting and independent. That made me want to be his friend.

After being friends that met in groups we started to meet one on one.

That's when he became my best friend.

Then I fell in love with him because I found out he wasn't just interesting and independent. He was sweet, kind, sentimental, but also masculine.

So we started dating.

Then I discovered he is loyal and trustworthy.

So we moved in together.

Once we moved in together I discovered he is clean and organized and responsible.

So we got engaged.

Once we were engaged I discovered he is honest and truly seeks forgiveness and to right his wrongs when he messes up.

So we got married.

Once married I discovered when the worst thing in my life happens to me, 3 miscarriages in a row, he is my rock.

I didn't look for all these qualities in him when I was getting to know him. And to be honest until we crossed certain thresholds and he truly loved me, I don't think he would have possessed some of these characteristics. But as our love grew he grew. And I would like to think I grew too.

I love my husband. And I'm glad I didn't have a checklist of things for him to check off when I first met him, or I would have missed out on the love of my life.

ExcellentAd5176 · 2025-01-12T15:06:03+00:00

I think you have to really date someone for a longer period of time to see how they react in different situations. People can tell you anything, but proof would be in their actions. You need to fight, you need to make up, you need to have hardship, maybe loss. Most everyone can get along when times are good, time will tell how they handle adversity. Beyond that, for me a sense of humor has helped our marriage tremendously.

Nerdslayer2 · 2025-01-12T16:30:40+00:00

I think that's a great list! I would be reluctant to add too much to it because it can quickly get to the point of being unrealistic.

A lot of women these days have requirements like being 6ft and making 6 figures. Just those two alone you are already eliminating 97% of men. Add in the unspoken requirements like decent looking, not fat, good social skills, decent confidence, and not a total jerk, and you are down to probably 0.1% of men. And most women find those same things attractive so those men are probably going to pick a woman in the top 1% of attractiveness for a serious relationship. Of course, these men are willing to sleep with much less attractive women, so it can make women feel like their standards are realistic even when they are not. They fail to secure a relationship with (or perhaps even find) a guy that meets their standards until they finally decide to lower their standards at 35, at which point they need to massively lower them to have a shot. I don't think you are like this, I just wanted to bring this up since it might apply to other women in your situation and something similar could happen to you.

I think it's important to also be aware of subconscious standards you have, as they are probably significant. Would you really be attracted to any man who met the standards you listed? Probably not. What qualities does a man need for your subconscious to find him attractive? Most likely confidence and at least some standard on height, weight, and looks. I think it would be a good idea to figure out what those standards are and then figure out what percentage of men you are eliminating with all your standards. For example, if only 1 in 100k men meet those standards you will probably never meet that guy and even if you did he might not want to marry you.

ArkNemesis00 · 2025-01-12T19:08:10+00:00

Someone you can work through conflict with effectively for both parties. Someone who acknowledges and makes up for their mistakes/shortcomings.

Seattle_Aries · 2025-01-14T05:12:04+00:00

Happily married 15 years: 🩷 Having shared values is much more important than shared hobbies 🩷 Find someone you truly admire. Admiration guarantees long term attraction 💗 Know your 1-3 deal breakers, and let everything else go 💗 Finding the right person/soulmate does not mean you get out of communicating. You always have to communicate your needs, even with the right person

Achassum · 2025-01-15T03:50:38+00:00

Look for someone who life is a reflection of what they talk about!

Look for someone to puts their best foot forward! I couldn’t date anyone fat because this is showing you don’t care about yourself!

Look for someone who is from a two parent household with functional relationships.

Look for someone who has shown commitment to things in life! If someone cannot commit to a goal, they can’t commit to you.

Also understand the trade offs of your ask!

aussiedollface2 · 2025-01-12T21:48:23+00:00

The same values and goals in life. I always thought the trend of valuing “chemistry” above all else was very unwise. There’s plenty of charismatic men who have mastered the art of creating this. Likewise there’s plenty of lovely men who are easy to talk to and get along with, it doesn’t mean they are husband material. What really matters is that you share the same core values and goals in life.

Altruistic-Bake7011 · 2025-01-14T18:30:08+00:00

I think your list looks great. Especially the one about money. It's extremely important. Financial infidelity is a real thing. We knew early on (but after we both knew we were serious) exactly how much each of us had in debt, and how much savings. The most important part was really that none of us had credit card debt and similar. Before we got engaged we even showed each other our credit checks (in our country you can find them online), just to show we had no debt hidden somewhere. I don't think this is exaggerating. Your debt becomes his debt and vice versa. The point isn't being rich, but being responsible with what you have. Making common goals and priorites and sticking to it.

I also had: -humour. You need to make each other laugh. Make sure it goes both ways!

-being Christian and wanting to be part of a church community

-wanting to live life at approx. the same pace. Do you need someone to climb Kilimanjaro with, have every day busy with hobbies and commitments? Maybe you're okey with being very different. One at home reading and one out exploring the world.

-And about the provider mindset. Just a reminder that you can't know which is which until you know them. Even if they "look like" they wouldn't be that type. My husband is quiet, can seem withdrawn in public, and in the beginning I wondered if he had self esteem issues. But I found out he was very secure in himself, just no need for the spotlight or drama. Plus very provider mindset. I was pleasantly surprised.

-Willing to work on himself when needed. This was a huge one for me. If something happens, is he humble and wise enough to seek help, go to counseling, go to the doctor, etc? This is the rest of your life we're talking about here. I grew up with people who refused to get help or work on themselves, and I knew I couldn't live like that.

SurLeToit · 2025-01-21T22:23:51+00:00

I think the error is searching. I searched for a good husband, and found my first one. He had all the qualities I was looking for. We narried and had 2 children.

Then it came out the truth, clear and unnoticeable: i wasn't in love. He neither. Notice that we were good friends, nobody cheated, nothing really wrong happened.

So, I stayed in that marriage knowing it was a good choice, even if I wasn't in love. It lasted 10 years.

And it ended when I finally realized how alone I was.

At that time, I wasn't searching love nor a husband. I searched for fun sex and adventures. And at that time I found my husband, my true love. A man that has no one of the aspects I would pic with my brain. But HE IS my love. Now he is asleep near me, we just finished looking the stars togheter. That's it.

Never never try to find an husband. Never choose a man like a bag. Never think about a man or his pros and cons. If you'll meet that man, you'll know.

Dionne005 · 2025-01-13T12:57:42+00:00

Someone who makes you laugh or loves to see you laugh

LaPrimaVera · 2025-01-14T14:06:44+00:00

Shared values and someone who shows affection in a way you can accept it. Your marriage may not be what someone else may choose but you have to live it not them. Choose someone you can live with forever because your agreeing to forever.

Side note, don't make a list of wants but have deal brakers. The more qualifying factors you have the harder it is to find someone who fits your needs.

angelicasinensis · 2025-01-12T22:00:04+00:00

Being gentle and sweet, being kind to animals, wanting kids, introverted and tending towards quiet. This worked for me and me and my husband have been married for 10 years with 3 kids. He does a lot of the housework and helps with the kids and treats me well.

AutoModerator · 2025-01-12T14:06:46+00:00

Title: For those in a happy marriage, what qualities did you look for in a man when dating?

Author Apprehensive-Pen9371

Full text: I know people often say that when you're young, it's okay to make mistakes, but I have seen many women who made excellent choices in their partners, even in their 20s, simply by setting their priorities straight. It may seem unusual, but I created a list of qualities I would look for in a man. These include: financial literacy, a provider mindset, emotional intelligence, values that align with mine, and a willingness to take action rather than just talk.

Is there anything else I should consider adding to this list? It seems like such an important topic because choosing the right partner can significantly impact your life. Sometimes I think it comes down to luck, as many amazing women end up settling in relationships due to a lack of options available to them and maybe for not knowing what they want.

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Effective_Detail4268 · 2025-01-16T22:16:33+00:00

No pornography, helps with housework, not a pervert

BaiHao_Yinzhen2000 · 2025-01-26T11:47:31+00:00

Assertive personality.

One of the things I appreciate most about my fiancé is that he is honest with me and gives feedback without being overly critical or picking fights over everything and anything. I love how we are conflictfree but still doing the 'hard talks' when needed. We're truly a team that way and we make decisions together.

I've been with both ends of that scale before - with pushovers and with people who aggressively advocate for themselves.

The aggressor will have you walking on eggshells around them while they are picking fights over everything and anything and they are always in conflict with other people or companies and it is never their fault.

The pushover will say "I wanna do whatever you want to do", putting the stress of making all the decisions on you - and then make a fool of you in front of friends by implying that you are 'the boss' / a bossy type of woman.

Never again.

Alternative-Scar9103 · 2025-03-17T06:55:57+00:00

I agree with your approach—setting priorities straight early on is crucial when choosing a partner. For me, when I first started dating my now husband, I was not quite yet done with school but I knew I wanted a man who shared a strong sense of financial responsibility and understood the importance of planning for the future. My husband is emotionally mature and had emotional intelligence—someone who could handle challenges, communicate openly, and not let stress break us down. I’ve always valued shared values as a foundation, especially when it comes to family, work ethic, and financial goals. and my husband and I, our worldview aligns with each other, so we’re not constantly clashing on big decisions that come up. One quality that has stood out in my relationship is a strong sense of partnership—we make decisions together, whether it’s about finances, family, or future goals. My husband and I respect each other's autonomy but know that we’re in this together. He takes action when it comes to important decisions, but also encourages me to voice my opinions, ensuring I have a say in what we build together. I make about $214K annually, and my husband makes $100K. We’ve both been able to build successful careers, and we’ve also got some side ventures. For example, I rent out five cars for events like weddings and proms, which brings in extra income. He owns two houses, one of which is an Airbnb, and the other is currently being renovated to sell. While we don’t have student loans, we’ve still been focused on building wealth through investments and smart spending. Given how important as you mention it is to choose wisely your partner, I'd suggest adding these qualities to your list:

Financial partnership – Beyond financial literacy, look for someone who respects the idea of shared responsibility for the future, even if you’re handling things separately for now. That mutual respect can make a huge difference when life gets complicated.
Mutual respect for independence – It’s important that both partners can pursue personal goals without feeling suffocated. This goes beyond “space” and taps into understanding and support for individual growth.
Work ethic and consistency – A man who consistently puts in the effort to improve and grow, whether it’s professionally, personally, or within the relationship, shows reliability. I’ve learned that growth is key, and you want someone who’s not afraid to keep learning, even as things get more complex with time.
Adaptability – Life throws curveballs, and the ability to adapt to change—whether it's moving for a job, changes in family dynamics, or even financial shifts—is a huge asset. A partner who can handle uncertainty and adjust when necessary is invaluable.

Lastly, I’ll say that while luck sometimes plays a part, it’s also about being intentional and proactive in your choices. Don't settle, and don’t let a lack of options force you into compromising on the things that truly matter. The right partner should complement your strengths, and together you’ll build something greater than what you could alone.

Title	For those in a happy marriage, what qualities did you look for in a man when dating?
Author	Apprehensive-Pen9371
Upvotes	47
Comments	25
Date	January 12, 2025 2:06 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1hzndx5/for_those_in_a_happy_marriage_what_qualities_did/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/for-those-in-a-happy-marriage-what-qualities-did.1541010 https://theredarchive.com/post/1541010

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