She wants to 'separate' and I'm not sure what to do. What happens next?

justAnAccount5432 · 2025-01-15T13:54:06+00:00

Same situation here. Feels like I could have written the post word for word, only I’m a few months ahead in the process. We’ve been separated a little over 3 months now. I haven’t gone to court yet, our initial hearing has been extended, so I don’t know what the outcome is. Been very conflicted about the whole process. I know I am the kids primary parent and should have custody… but my argument is sensitive and will have to bring up my exes mental instability, which I don’t want to do. Not sure how to navigate this in a way that respects our time together while also doing what I think is needed to continue taking care of the kids. No win situation tbh

AxeJawn · 2025-01-14T01:34:23+00:00

Dude. We have the exact same situation. Happy to talk through things and where my head is at as well as how I navigating things.

Only if you think it would be helpful.

Let me know!

Peace_and_Love40 · 2025-01-13T21:53:21+00:00

[permanently deleted]

binglybinglybeep99 · 2025-01-13T20:14:34+00:00

First Off - Never apologise for asking for help.

This sub is here for you. Some advice you might not like, you don't have to take it. But it gives you other viewpoints.

I don't have any advice for your particular circumstance as I have no experience in it.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2025-01-13T18:35:58+00:00

What do I do next?

You need to understand that your ability to make rational and long term decisions is going to be completely messed up for a little bit. That is normal. If you know that you'll at least have some self awareness that you're not thinking strait. So you need to protect FUTURE you. You do that by seeking legal representation. SHE DOES NOT NEED TO KNOW.

You need to be educated about the process and likely outcomes - custody, financial, housing, etc

I don't see going back for more after a 'separation', so is that code for divorce? She said we need to work on ourselves 'away from each other'.

She's trying to get a 'soft divorce' i.e. you out of the house but still using your resources (income, insurance, child coverage, etc) and WILL drop anchor on the process and then do nothing, because why would she? Assume YOU might have to file. This is what happened to me and after six months and eating almost 20k I had to start the process.

What about the house? It's in both of our names, and I think we both still want to live here.

If you cannot agree on the home the court could order it to be sold.

I feel like I could make an argument that she isn't stable enough to have custody, but I don't want to put her through that if she's being civil.

Its not about wanting to NOT put her though anything. Admirable but you're thinking like a husband here tying to protect her but she is actively trying to nuke your life. You must realign your thinking.

How does that usually turn out?

If she can project herself as a rational/normal person standard in most states is 50/50. Barring abuse, drugs, booze, or court problems you're both looking at 50/50.

Do lawyers get involved and people start scrapping for their pound of flesh? If worse comes to worse, I have evidence of her past instability, but really not trying to go there.

Let your attorney know and they can best advise you if it is even worth brining up. People only go bonkers in the process when MONEY gets involved.

The most important thing, how do I help my son through this? He's smart and well adjusted, I don't want this to slow him down. We both love him 1000% and I know he needs us both.

Reach out to your childs school and let couselors/teachers know. They might have programs. If things are bad seek a professional counselor.

Any advice or wisdom from experience would be greatly appreciated!

get an attorney (do it for future you)
do NOT leave your home (if you leave its near impossible to get back in)
do not drink/use drugs (you need a clear head and to not giver her any ammo)
separate your income ASAP (i did not - i thought things would all be balanced out at the end and the court did not care)

This person knows you very well and how to push all your buttons. And they WILL push them. They will try and have you making decisions/actions based on emotion and acting like a husband. They will say things to upset you but you cannot let them get to you. They are gonna tell youll never see your kid again, get all your retirement, your home, and you'll be paying support for forever. These are words. There is a process with the courts and you're both subject to it.

You need to look at this as a business deal. You cannot think with a husband mindset. You're no longer a team - you need to plan for you a year or two from now because that guy is screaming at you right now.

Any questions ask away. Ive spent nearly 30k and would love to save people some money.

regertsrus · 2025-01-13T16:43:19+00:00

You have to get over the shock factor. It will mess you up royally. Come back here when you make up your mind about what you want. You have to know what you want.

ExaminationKlutzy194 · 2025-01-13T10:38:06+00:00

Unclear if you are going to try the counseling.

But, if you have no choice but to separate you need a lawyer. Separation is almost always code for divorce. She just won’t be direct about it.

You never leave the home.

You need to have placement of your kid until she figures herself out mentally.

Title	She wants to 'separate' and I'm not sure what to do. What happens next?
Author	Electronic-Bobcat757
Upvotes	6
Comments	9
Date	January 12, 2025 2:43 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1hzcvxv/she_wants_to_separate_and_im_not_sure_what_to_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/she-wants-to-separate-and-im-not-sure-what-to-do.1541058 https://theredarchive.com/post/1541058

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