Do you ever feel like you’re rebuilding yourself from scratch?

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-02-16T05:23:56+00:00

For us accused narcissists', we actually never vanished and we are always ourselves. We can actually move on quite quickly if you believe the internet and social media reels and videos.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-15T22:09:10+00:00

You don't become someone else after divorce. You become something more.

We do not accept new mental models until we experience trauma. From an evolutionary perspective, being seventy percent good enough in our decisions is preferable to us expending more energy to be one hundred percent. This is why the concept of being zeroed out is perceived as so traumatic. If you’re unfamiliar with the term “zeroed out”, it refers to a life trauma that affects us in the same way a life or death situation does. It could be an acrimonious divorce, losing a child, etc. When a traumatic life event elicits a fight or flight response, the brain increases its neuroplasticity in order for us to renew our deep narrative so that we can adopt more useful narratives to make decisions and adapt to change in our environment. If you’ve ever wondered why the largest demographic of suicide is divorced men between the ages of forty and sixty, this is why. If there is no way to adapt to the new environment, we take the trauma of not just divorce, but the complete disillusionment of our deep narrative the same way as one would take a lethal wounding.

Expensive_Sock_9902 · 2026-02-15T21:13:26+00:00

Rebuilding from scratch in a practical sense, sure. I need to get a new house and a new job becasue we work in the same building.

In terms of myself internally, in my case Id say i have a pretty strong sense of self, so I never really felt like I was "not me" in the relationship. Due to the nature of the way she left, I questioned myself for a few months because i took everything she said as gospel and that I was the cause of the relationshop ending. Im at 5 months now and can see that she was treating me unfairly and mostly blaming me for her internalised issues. She openly treated me with contempt towards the end and I didnt truly see it until now. I can see that I did lessen myself to keep the peace during this time.

Over time my sense of self returned as I lifted the unwarranted blame off my shoulders. I am still me, i still have the same interests, the same values etc. I just dont have her in my life anymore. we were together 17 years. Since we were 18, so our entire adult lives to this point. That definitely has left a hole. Thats the only thing that feels off.

Podonkeyfkr · 2026-02-15T16:08:35+00:00

I've basically been on ice for 12 years, so I feel like captain America, but with no point, aside from babysitting.

Gattsama · 2026-02-15T15:30:58+00:00

You're building a new you. Your entire software has to change. You have to move out of a husband mode and husband mindset, into the new you mindset. The goal is to be fit: financially fit, emotionally, fit, mentally fit, and financially fit.

You need to actively choose this new person and new life that you're building. Step way back and take a big broad view of the life that you want to live. Write down everything that that entails. Then think about what's necessary to achieve it.

How long? Extremely variable. From a few months to a few years. Try not to focus on the path but the goals. If you just stay on the path life will continue to get better.

Be safe out there..

Mediocre_Job5219 · 2026-02-15T15:03:28+00:00

Definitely starting to feel that way, because I have no other choice. Married for 3 1/2 years, separated last October, no sign of reconciliation from the wife (she’s avoiding it all together). We’ve started couples therapy but my friends/family say I should rip the bandaid off and file. I’m currently living in the house alone, paying 1/2 her equity and CC debts. No family in state, I originally moved out here to be closer to hers. Her whole family cut me off, essentially leaving me out here completely alone. I find myself going back to the person I was before the marriage, with old hobbies and new ones as well. One of the best ways I’m finding to help cope with this ‘limbo’ period is to flip the script. I’m a pretty big homebody/introvert, but instead I’m tapping into my support network, being more out going to people, and especially being gentler with myself for the first time in my life. I also reconnected with an old friend just recently that’s basically saved my life with his support and jokes. I’m finding that I still have my core personality traits, but am slowly reinventing myself to what person I want to be for the future, and a future relationship. Hope that helps and apologies for the formatting I’m on mobile.

Title	Do you ever feel like you’re rebuilding yourself from scratch?
Author	itslauramitchell
Upvotes	7
Comments	7
Date	February 15, 2026 12:54 AM UTC (5 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1r513ta/do_you_ever_feel_like_youre_rebuilding_yourself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/do-you-ever-feel-like-youre-rebuilding-yourself.1573539 https://theredarchive.com/post/1573539

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