I'm a Bachata dancer.

Being a dancer has taught me just so much about romantic and sexual relationships. With so many hookups happening in the dance scene, you start to spot the patterns.

Now, they aren't necessarily your hookups. The initial feelings of envy eventually turn to acceptance, and most importantly, curiosity.

"What are they doing that I'm not? What separates the playboys from the normies jacking off after every party?"

One pattern is clear.

The fuckboys don't take women seriously at all.

It's not that they tease them like their little sisters, call them funny nicknames or pull their hair lightly while dancing with them. I mean, they probably do all those things, but that's not what I'm talking about.

They just don't give the smallest fuck about what those girls say or do.

Take this example:

Guy meets girl. He ruthlessly hits on her. Everyone on the dancefloor is noticing them. For efficiency's sake, let's call him Fuckboy, and let's call her Attitude Girl.

All the women that Fuckboy has hit on in the past few weeks are staring. He doesn't give a fuck.

Sometimes Fuckboy gets rejected badly. Maybe Attitude Girl flirts with him, but 10 minutes later he sees her flirting with another dude. Or she's just not interested and lets him know in a polite but cold manner.

Does Fuckboy get butthurt? Think that it's her loss? That he'll punish her with his absence? That he shouldn't waste his time with women who aren't into him anyways?

Yeah definitely not. He doesn't give a fuck and keeps flirting with her.

Now, why does this work? There are several reasons that come to mind.

  1. Tests

Attitude Girl might be testing him. Will he fold when she gives him a hard time? Will he have the spine to persist, trying to seduce her? Or will he feel unconfident and give up? How strong is his desire? How big are his balls?

It has taken me quite some time to figure out that those questions actually do cross many women's minds, consciously or not.

Fuckboy absolutely passes all of those tests, by the sheer force of not giving the smallest fuck about Attitude Girl's actions or words.

  1. Horniness

Us men are horny 99% of the time. If an attractive woman straightforwardly asked us to have sex with her, we would probably question whether this is a hidden camera prank, and say yes anyway.

Women aren't like that. Most of them need more than just being attracted to the guy. They need to feel the vibe. And a woman's vibe depends a lot on the time of the day, her energy levels, mood, phase of her menstrual cycle, how drunk she is, etc.

Let's take this other dude, Chad. Chad is taller, more handsome, and a better dancer than Fuckboy. He knows so, and therefore feels somewhat entitled to have more success with women than Fuckboy. Chad talked bit with Attitude Girl, thought she had a terrible personality and was unbearable to be around, and moved on.

Attitude Girl initially found Chad more attractive than Fuckboy, but guess who she slept with?

With the one who hit on her on the night she happened to be horny.

Again, by completely disregarding her attitude and just continuing to flirt anyway, Fuckboy happened to hit on her at the right moment.

  1. Priorities

Think about that buddy of yours who consistently sleeps with numerous super hot, intelligent, kind, and sweet women. What a great guy, right? It's really sweet of you to have an imaginary friend as an adult.

There are several 3-way tradeoffs in life. You know how it goes.

How will you manage your time? Work, sleep or fun. Pick 2 max.

Do you want a job that's stress-free, meaningful and well-paid? I have a castle in Narnia that you'd love to buy.

By the same token, there are three contradictory values in casual dating: Abundance, Attraction and Connection.

There's some guys out there who can attain one value. Who can have sex with many women. Or only a few, but very hot ones. Or only a few that they really connect with.

Most of the guys who society considers playboys are getting two out of the three values. They have sex with many hot women. But they rarely connect with them personally. The three-dimensional optimization problem is just too difficult to solve.

Fuckboy understands this, and thankfully his no-fucks-given personality allows him to completely disregard personal connection with the women he has sex with.

Did she just fuck his best friend? Dude keeps flirting. Did she call his mother a whore? No harm done. She has three bodies buried in her garden? His ex was way crazier.

By having non-existent Connection standards - i.e. by not giving a fuck about what women say or do - Fuckboy is able to maximize the amount of hot women he sleeps with.

By now you may be asking yourself: should I start behaving like Fuckboy?

Personally, I would discourage it. Here's one important realization: most of us would hate being Fuckboy.

He grew up in a Latin American culture, where his male relatives and friends taught him to measure his value as a man based on two scores: the amount of women he sleeps with, and the raw hotness of those women.

Therefore, he is willing to sacrifice all his sanity, self-esteem, personal income and free time, for the life goal of being manly enough according to the societal rules he has internalized.

But most of us aren't willing to make that sacrifice.

I hope by now you're as bewildered as I was when I first understood this phenomenon. I'll soon write another post with my conclusions on how to integrate these points in a healthy way, for now I hope you enjoyed my dancing experiences.

You can read this same post on substack.