Hello everyone,

I’ve been with my spouse for 10 years (6 years dating, 4 years married), and we don’t have children. During the dating years, the relationship was strong, but it has become increasingly difficult each year since we got married.

Over the past year, things have escalated significantly. She often blames me before understanding the full situation. When I’m able to show that I’m not at fault, there’s no apology—instead, it leads to further conflict because I challenged her version of events. I’ve also experienced behavior that feels controlling, volatile, abusive, and inconsistent. Expectations and rules seem to apply to me but not to her.

There have been several financial concerns as well. She has used my credit card without asking, spent my past tax refunds without informing me, and expects full transparency from me while not sharing her own financial information. She has also pressured me to sell my UK property and to use the rental income to fund a joint savings account, both of which I declined. (These are pre-marital funds).

She also spends money compulsively and irresponsibly. She's great at spending, but not so good at making or investing it.

In addition, she has threatened to leave multiple times over the years, and more recently has created public situations (such as at restaurants) to portray herself as being mistreated by staff, which I believe is not accurate. These patterns have worsened since around last November, and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to cope.

I’ve made significant personal sacrifices in this relationship, including changing countries, changing careers, selling my UK small business, and handling the immigration process on my own. Despite this, I feel that these efforts have been dismissed or minimized.

A major concern is our home. I contributed over 85% of the down payment (from pre-marital funds) and currently pay more than 65% of the monthly expenses. However, I understand that in my state, property may be divided equally in the event of a divorce, which puts a large portion of my contribution at risk.

From an immigration standpoint, I am a U.S. permanent resident, and my 10-year green card is currently in process. If I am called for an interview and my spouse remains uncooperative, that could create complications. At the same time, I’ve been advised that filing for divorce may strengthen my position, as I have substantial evidence that I entered the relationship and marriage in good faith. I would still be eligible to pursue citizenship regardless.

I am currently seeking guidance from individuals in my church, as well as legal and healthcare professionals. While I still hope there may be a path to repairing the relationship, I also have to consider the reality of the situation. It’s difficult to come to terms with potentially losing 10 years of time, effort, and financial investment. At the same time, I am concerned about protecting the significant financial contributions I’ve made, particularly the down payment on the house.

In hindsight, I have always sacrificed for my spouse. But the spouse takes advantage of the sacrifices and brushes it off as minimal or nothing. I fear that the goal posts will keep moving each year, and the difficulties will increase too.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.