I went for a walk this morning and this realization hit me like a ton of bricks.

I would never try to claim that I did nothing wrong and that she was the reason we did not work. We both brought trauma and issues into the relationship that caused us to grow apart from lack of communication and differing attachment styles over the years. It takes two to make it work and it takes two to make it fall apart. There are multiple reasons why we are on the path to divorce and we have both taken ownership for that.

Here is one area I thought about a lot this morning that brought me to tears. Over the last 6-7 years, I made myself small thinking it would make her love me. I put myself on the back burner to build her up and champion her in her career and in her emotional journey. I stayed quiet and did not want to rock the boat because of the fear that she might leave. I spent those years working on myself physically, emotionally and mentally and made a lot of progress as a partner and a father. However, I never made myself a priority in our relationship. I stayed small. I was the textbook Nice Guy. I thought by giving in to her wants and needs and going out of my way to make sure she was comfortable, even in the midst of a trial separation, that she would FINALLY see me and appreciate me and love me the way I wanted. I was only doing the opposite. It is hard to have romantic love and respect for a partner who doesn't speak up or advocate for themselves and just acts like a doormat all the time.

I learned that I was exhibiting this behavior a few years ago after reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and was actively working on it. She read the book as well and we talked about the effect it had on our relationship and I was actively taking steps to speak up for myself more and be more assertive and she acknowledged that I was making progress and it was working. For anyone who has had to break free from this way of thinking and behaving, it is not easy and it takes a lot of time and effort. I was raised by a Nice Guy, so I am wired the same way.

The tears this morning came in the form of anger at her and (to a certain extent) myself. I fought like hell to be better and rewire my brain to be better than who I was raised to be. I listened to her, supported her, championed her, loved her unconditionally and stood by her through a lot of shit she had to go through. I wanted to be there for her every step of the way so she could have a partner she could rely on when things got hard and I was there. I can honestly say I feel like I did everything I could with the information I was given and the roadblocks I struggled with from my childhood and upbringing and in the end I felt tossed aside. She saw the changes and acknowledged them on multiple occasions, but it did not matter in the end. It makes me angry. It is a healthy form of anger and not the kind of anger that will cause me to lash out or do anything stupid. It is the quiet anger that grows inside of you and motivates you to be better.

The changes I made did not work for her or they were too little too late. That is a hard pill to swallow, but I will have to learn to accept that. However, I am confident that the changes I made will benefit me greatly moving forward. For me, for my children and for whoever comes next in my life from a romantic standpoint. I am not a religious man, but I do believe everything happens for a reason. I made these changes for a reason. I am looking forward to continuing to shed the Nice Guy persona as I continue my journey forward and use these lessons for my benefit. They did not work for her, but they are working for me and they will benefit someone else in the future.

For anyone else struggling with the same things or if you have some words of wisdom for me, my DM's are open.