I (30F) recently separated from my husband (30M), and I'm really struggling to figure out if I should try to save this marriage or accept that it's a lost cause.
I'm also stuck questioning myself-was I too controlling or negative, or was I asking for normal boundaries and just not getting them?
We did love each other. We even eloped and got married (very low-key), and he had originally planned to do a public proposal too, but because of issues with his friend group, he kept delaying it and it never happened. That's part of what confuses me-| know the love was real, but the outcome doesn't match that.
A lot of our problems revolved around his friend group and especially one of his closest friends (I'II call him
"Mark"), who is very much the "life of the party," super social, and seems to influence a lot of people. My husband really values his opinion and often defers to him.
Some examples:
- When we first started dating, he was still in contact with his ex (they had a sexual history and were still texting in ways I wasn't comfortable with). I told him if we were going to be serious, I wasn't okay with that.
He agreed-but I later found out he was still texting her behind my back for almost a year. When she asked why he removed her, he told her I made him do it instead of owning it.
- There were multiple situations where other girls crossed boundaries. One girl ("Lily") tried to sit c lap in front of me. I told him it made me uncomfortable. He agreed privately but never never addressed it with her and continued acting normal around her. Similar things happened with other women being overly touchy or even grabbing his phone.
His friends made microaggressive comments toward me (I'm Indian), like jokes about whether Indian people smell. I told him it hurt me, but he never confronted them.
There was also a situation with a girl in the group (I'II call her "Nina"). I later found out he had a past situationship with her, which he never told me. I had confided in her about feeling uncomfortable with "Lily" trying to sit on his lap. Later, on election night, she posted something along the lines of "all my friends support Trump except [me], which felt targeted. I called her out privately, and in retaliation, she shared my private messages from a year ago with "Lily," which escalated things and turned people in the group against me.
Part of why I've always felt uneasy about "Mark" is that he has a pattern of interfering in other people's relationships. For example, he's told multiple girls not to date another guy in their group ("Alex"), even though they're supposed to be friends. I know of several instances where he discouraged women from seeing him for no clear reason. My husband didn't see this as a big deal and would defend it.
To be fair, after my messages got leaked, I did re emotionally and said some harsh things about pe V in the group, which I regret.

When we were planning to move in together, his friend/roommate and Mark said I was "manipulating" him into moving out and made misogynistic comments about me. He distanced himself from them for a bit, but it always felt like he was torn.
Throughout the relationship, he would agree with me in private about things, but in front of his friends, he would switch up or downplay everything.
When I brought issues up, he would say I was "too negative" because I kept pointing out things that bothered me.
There were also openly offensive comments in the group. For example, one girl said something like
"you're fine as a legal immigrant, but all these Mexicans are coming into our country," which made me really uncomfortable. Again, he didn't say anything.
- The breakup itself was also confusing. The first time he brought up breaking up was in October. We tried to work on things. Then again in January, he brought it up. At that point, I even encouraged him to talk to Mark and sort things out. After he spoke to Mark, he told me everything was fine, and I said I was open to also talking to Mark to clear the air. But he never let me do that-and shortly after, he ended things anyway.
Now we've separated, and he's gone back to tha same friend group.

So here's where I'm stuck:
I just keep replaying everything in my head. Just can’t shake the feeling that he dropped in and is hanging out with his friends who disrespected us and our relationship and our marriage and he walked out on our marriage like that?