How do you actually STFU??

EveningMix6207 · 2026-07-12T19:46:13+00:00

Honestly what I’d do is, 1) change/reorder my day in a way where I can save time, since everything is written down so I can work quicker. 2) tell him in a way where it doesn’t come off as nagging, how to do that? I honestly don’t know him enough to tell you how, or what your exact problems are since you can’t mention them.

CountTheBees · 2026-07-13T03:04:56+00:00

Grab your opportunities for humility whenever you can. Oftentimes I find a nagging dynamic develops as a result of power - either you have more power or you want more power, and nagging helps you get/keep that power. You're a SAHM, the home is your domain, so of course you feel more powerful than your husband at home. You have to make an effort to balance the power dynamic.

It's much harder to feel powerful when you are vulnerable, admit mistakes, and own your failings. This will likely bring more equality and balance to the home, so that you no longer feel powerful, and no longer feel like you can nag, because frankly if someone is nagging, it's probably too much power.

Next time you make an 'oops' even if it's something like - you came to remind him to do something and he's already doing it, or you went off at him about something and you were wrong, you have to bow and scrape a bit more than you otherwise would, or you got mad at him for something and then did the same thing. Instead of staying quiet and hoping he doesn't notice you did something wrong or wanted to do something wrong, actively bring it to his attention and take the fallout gracefully. If he's feeling nagged, he probably has some pent up emotion and some things to say if you admit fault like this.

In my relationship I try to actively admit fault like this because I do nag. But when I admit fault it keeps our relationship equal and he does happily take the opportunity to tease and complain about the behaviour, and accepting the complaints and teasing with silence and a humble attitude makes things right again.

Jenneapolis · 2026-07-12T22:40:31+00:00

I leave the room. In good weather, specifically going to sit on the patio outside. Fresh air and sun helps with a reset.

frootjuice_ · 2026-07-13T23:31:54+00:00

So, you have two kids (one under one), you’re a SAHM, you’ve been dealing with PPD, and your husband has been “very busy with work” while also picking up a few new hobbies.

You’re home with the kids essentially 24/7, managing almost all of the childcare and household responsibilities, and he admits he doesn’t consistently follow through on the things he says he’ll do.

Maybe the issue isn’t that you need to learn how to “STFU.” Maybe you’re overwhelmed and your frustration is coming from carrying more than you can reasonably carry.

Learning to regulate your emotions is always a good thing, but I don’t think it should replace asking whether the workload in your marriage is actually fair.

ArkNemesis00 · 2026-07-12T19:44:30+00:00

I have a few posts related to this:

Relationship tips while raising small kids https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/s/7adVnilkyu
Happiness guide https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/s/cTuQF7gS9J
Navigating conflict https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/s/SGEnjVpMoX

Normal_Ad2456 · 2026-07-17T13:37:24+00:00

The reason why you want to nag is because you are unhappy with your relationship and disappointed in how your husband is showing up as a partner. You'll stop wanting to nag once those problems are fixed.

Affectionate-Cow3737 · 2026-07-19T01:48:09+00:00

He corrects me so my body reminds me to watch my mouth. Nothing abusive. Very effective.

IntelligentAge2712 · 2026-07-13T00:43:18+00:00

So here’s the thing, men are very competent leaders, they prove this in the workplace. If he’s not stepping up at home, it’s because he doesn’t want to and knows you’ll pick up the slack. Don’t let him take advantage of your niceness by doing everything and passing it off as he’s tired or stressed from work or forgot. We are all tired and stressed during this season of life. Either divide and conquer as in you both have set things that need to be done each day and be accountable for yourself (he shouldn’t need to be micromanaged)- or you do as much as you can before he gets home and neither of you get free time until kids are in bed/house is reset. Or he can make a system that he thinks will work in your household.

If he’s having time for hobbies and to himself, you should also be getting the same amount of free time each week where he then becomes primary parent, does the cooking and cleaning or whatever needs doing. Some people do this as full weekend days each or mornings/afternoons. You don’t want to fall into the habit of being the person who takes on all of the mental load as this will burn you out/ even if it’s not straight away, over time it does.

Woman who can stfu do so because their man actually takes the lead in their household so their nervous system can actually relax and feel safe because when their husband says they will do something, they actually do it. They look for ways and then go out of their way to do those things to make your life easier. They don’t forget, they’ve got you. When it gets to the stage of constant nagging and complaining and you’re having to mother, control or manage a man- you need to step back and look at whether this is the right relationship and dynamic for you long term. Usually it gets worse over time, not better. You shouldn’t have to make yourself and your needs smaller to appease a man. The right man naturally has your respect and appreciation because he shows competence and leadership. It’s impossible to feel gratitude when you’re not feeling emotionally safe and provided for and protected (speaking in terms of emotionally- it’s not just having a roof over your heads and bills paid). When it becomes tit for tat where your man just works 8hrs then has free time while you’re expected to cook, clean, watch children and have sex, it’s not a partnership. There comes a point where you have to throw the whole man out and know you’re worthy of more.

AutoModerator · 2026-07-12T17:07:53+00:00

Title: How do you actually STFU??

Author Western_Beautiful303

Full text: sorry this is my first time posting. I’ve been reading through things here for a while. I hope this is the right place to ask this…

my husband (26) and I (25) have been going through a real rocky patch and I do think it mostly to do with me nagging him. I’d rather not go into details, but essentially I went through some PPD after I had my second child last September. my husband has been very busy with work since that point and has picked up a few hobbies to help him cope with the stress of it all. Understandable.

But now it feels that whenever he’s home, I just can’t help but nag at him. truthfully he doesn’t help much around the house and often forgets to do the things he tells me he will do - but I am a SAHM so I *can* do most (if not all) house and child related tasks.

the issue im having is that I just get so upset with him that I struggle to make myself STFU and I end up nagging and sometimes spiraling into a larger argument with him. Which makes everything so much worse. So what are your practical tips for executing this in the heat of the moment? Counting to ten? Leaving the room?

Ideally, I would really like cultivate a heart of gratitude, so tips on working toward that would be really helpful too.

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MajorEntertainment65 · 2026-07-13T11:27:20+00:00

So few things, men operate on a different time table. For example, the light needs fixed in the kitchen. I say something to husband and he says he is on it.

A week goes by. Another week. I'm convinced it won't happen. I ask about it and find out he has scheduled an electrician for three weeks after I asked.

Just because he isn't doing it now or soon doesn't mean it isn't getting done or on his radar.

Second, when it comes to nagging...I've been bagged before and it's awful. I ask myself, genuinely, is this the type of person I want to be? Is this how I want to make others feel?

Third, I often am comparing my husband to some idealized perfect man who doesn't exist. Are my expectations realistic? And sure maybe this one expectation is, but ALL my expectations added up? How would I feel if he held me to those standards? If it's a tall order, then that's a me probably not a him problem.

Finally, is this the hill I want to die on? When it comes to nagging, fighting, complaining, etc. the mundane daily problems, I think about how every action I take that pushes is away from harmony and connection is a step closer to divorce.

And I seriously contemplate, is this worth it? Do I want to end it all over the light getting fixed on my timetable or fixed right now (just using a real example from me life)? Can I live with one light broken for a month? Of do I really want to sacrifice my marriage for it?

Because this is my second marriage and first, that divorce, was a build up of little things. And it felt terrible to admit that I had nagged and bitched my way out of a good man over how he folded his laundry and how frequently he did dishes.

Thistlewhistler · 2026-07-13T20:29:36+00:00

It’s not healthy to bottle up, and almost impossible to stfu if a thought is burning a hole in your throat. The change needs to occur at a deeper level.

Bear with me for a moment…what if you just accepted that he won’t help around the house? That he will be forgetful and that there’s nothing you can do about it!? Imagine that he has some kind of profound brain disorder, and there’s no words, or actions that will ever change this. If that were the case, what would you do?

The chances are you’d move in one of two directions - you might decide that it isn’t tenable to stay married to a person with this type of brain disorder, and get a divorce, and hope you’ll be able to be good coparents.

Or you might adjust your expectations, and adapt to the new reality. For instance, you might redirect your household budget to outsource things like diy, you might decide to stay renting a small apartment rather than buy a house together because the first is easier to clean and the maintenance isn’t your problem. You might stop doing any of the jobs he will do by himself to save your energy for what you have no choice but to do.

None of those things are a “fix” and besides, it’s just a thought experiment. But the deeper point is that what he does and doesn’t do, is really beyond your control. You’re banging your head off a brick wall wondering where the doorway is.

It’s an incredibly difficult period of life that you’re in and there’s so much needing your energy, and attention when your reserves are depleted by lack of sleep, hormonal shifts, and the to-do list that gets longer and longer. It’s incredibly disappointing when your partner isn’t stepping up in the way you need them to.

I’m not unsympathetic, and I think your frustration with him is completely justified, but it’s wearing you out. Trying to change him is using energy you don’t have, and it gets twice depleted because after each outburst, you end up feeling bad about yourself too.

So, instead, think about what you need at the moment and see if there’s a way that you can meet (or even partially meet) that need by yourself. Do you have friends or family you can call on? I’m not talking about big things - focus on small stuff. Do you need a drink, a nap, a shower, a walk. The more you meet your needs the more you have for everyone else.

We often think we can’t have small things because the bathroom isn’t cleaned or the dishes aren’t done. We push things to “later when” or we push away help because we can’t let people into our untidy house. And when we have babies we can’t stop until their needs are met.

Men don’t operate the same way - they slow down, stop and sort out their own needs first, so that they can take care of other people. And as a pp said, they operate on a completely different timetable.

Now that the isolated nuclear family is the norm, where traditionally women rallied round, and we instinctively look for female coded support from our men.

If… (and I know this isn’t easy) you can, try to build your own support circle, so that instead of seeing what he’s not doing, you have the bandwidth to notice what he is doing and encourage that, starting where he’s at instead of where you want him to be.

Big hug mama!

SweetTaterSalad · 2026-07-16T19:22:09+00:00

First, trust your gut. You said you nag. You find it unpleasant so the assumption that he finds it unpleasant is most likely accurate.

You can't just stop nagging. It won't work. I've tried it.

You have to adjust the way you look at your husband, how he responds and what you need to do instead.

Google Alison Armstrong. Listen to her interviews and free audio. Her stuff is everywhere.

PS. Im 55. I was a shrew and a nag. I just found her stuff 2 months ago. Has TRANSFORMED the energy between myself and the men in my family. Ages 0 thru not dead yet. My grandson's respond to me better. My sons responds to me better. My husband responds to me better. I like myself much better. I think even the postman has a crush on me. LOL

macdaddy0800 · 2026-07-13T06:47:09+00:00

From a man's perspective, if you stay at home you do things in 'your own time' with limited fuckery od the world.

A man has do things under 'someone else's time, either a client or boss's beckon and call., and deal with all the external fuckery as well.

So when he gets home, he has essentially shielded you from that and needs to deal with it in his own way, that may not include you at certain times.

Sometimes the best thing to do is 'STFU'.

Title	How do you actually STFU??
Author	Western_Beautiful303
Upvotes	15
Comments	24
Date	July 12, 2026 5:07 PM UTC (1 month ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1uul6qe/how_do_you_actually_stfu/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-do-you-actually-stfu.1584872 https://theredarchive.com/post/1584872

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