New girlfriend texting her ex-boyfriend but says she's willing to cut him off. Do I verify?

mr_nate_ · 2016-11-30T11:39:20+00:00

"Do you realize how much you mean to me when I'm willing to cut off contact with him for you?"

It shouldn't mean anything.

wakethfkupneo · 2016-11-30T14:14:33+00:00

Now, I have the code to her phone (have not looked at it yet) so I am able to verify

Are you able to read messages she deleted the moment they were received/sent? And is her phone the only possible line of communication? If no, then you can't verify shit.

She rationalized by saying that she wasn't sure if we were going to get serious and that she wouldn't just cut people off unless she knows for sure

I LOL'd at this part. Hamsters are so amusing. Let me tell you something: when girl is really into you, she'll go out of her way to prove it. When you game her properly, you'll come to a point where you flirt with other girls and she ruthlessly reject other guys, so you can see she's worthy and convince you to choose her. Let that idea sink in.

What's going on here - you are low on her radar, but enough to pass. She's still open to other prospects. Very open. You literally have to explain her what should come naturally.

Finally, I'll point out to ...

HumanSockPuppet’s Guide to Managing Your Bitches

... and emphasize ...

Once a girl has been demoted, her current level becomes the maximum level she can ever be again.

... and having said all that, my conclusion and advice is:

She's not LTR material. Demote to a plate.

scrodzilla · 2016-11-30T10:13:27+00:00

If your relationship is at a point where you have to be looking at her phone to get peace of mind, I wouldn't bother.

My (ex) wife was, uh, friends with her ex, they did bicycle racing together. Once I learned this, it ate me up inside, I couldn't sleep and was always snooping around on my her.

If I had to go back, I wouldn't have stayed so long. There are billions of women on this planet.

[deleted] · 2016-11-30T12:14:08+00:00

If the lines of communication are still open between exes, you may as well label it as "unresolved"

Auvergnat · 2016-11-30T14:41:59+00:00

"Do you realize how much you mean to me when I'm willing to cut off contact with him for you?". She rationalized by saying that she wasn't sure if we were going to get serious and that she wouldn't just cut people off unless she knows for sure. In her defence, we've only been semi-serious for a short time so it's understandable she won't just drop everybody.

That's a great power move. She's trying to make you feel guilty or that you owe something to her. Don't let it go to your head.

Now, I have the code to her phone (have not looked at it yet) so I am able to verify that she's cutting him off, but I still appreciate any advice.

You don't really want to get pinned into a mate-guarding role.

The idea is this: Your LTR frame must remain one of "I am very happy being single. Being in a relationship with her involves giving her some of my precious Time, precious Attention and most precious Sexual Exclusivity. These cost me a lot so I am only willing to give them away in exchange for equivalent services including her Nurturing, Respect and Sexual Exclusivity. The moment I am not given what I want in exchange for what I give is the moment I will be walking away from this contract."

From this Frame everything flows. If she wants you to stay with her, she owes you Respect. That's something you make clear (either by telling her once, or assuming she knows it and withdrawing immediately when she does not comply with). That's not something you should remind her of, not something she should negotiate (with her little power move) & not something that you should have to verify.

In my experience, girls will just keep pushing the boundaries whatever you do... unless you shock them by walking away. That's the best message. So I'd say don't verify by looking into her phone. Just continue the LTR and if at any point there is proof she hasn't cut him off, you walk away.

ReddJive · 2016-11-30T15:10:48+00:00

So mate guarding is your plan here?

How about being fucking awesome enough that she chooses to drop the orbiter with out being over her shoulder.

If she swings? Let her. Find someone better.

meh613 · 2016-11-30T11:12:58+00:00

My ex-gf, in my pre-RP days, gave me all of her passwords after I got angry with her for having an emotional affair with another guy. She is my ex precisely because, I don't have the time to look through her email, phone, LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook, etc. accounts for signs of unfaithfulness.

hownao · 2016-11-30T15:53:46+00:00

This is why the best advice I've ever been given is do not date a girl unless you plan on having children.

You can "date" her but don't give in to the idea that you're exclusive.

[deleted] · 2016-11-30T10:54:18+00:00

[permanently deleted]

bowie747 · 2016-11-30T10:26:31+00:00

I don't agree with her exbf-texting policy, but I do agree with her Madrid trip-cancelling policy.

fcb98292 · 2016-11-30T11:10:35+00:00

If I did more than plate this girl, you can bet I would be checking up on her like you are. Word of caution... she may be calling him an "ex" to your face while calling him "boyfriend" to his face, until she has another cock lined up. Beware.

verily_rp · 2016-11-30T16:36:50+00:00

I'm gonna keep this short. I've been dating a girl and I want to give this LTR-thing a shot.

Two sentences in and you've already lost.

In addition she was all like "Do you realize how much you mean to me when I'm willing to cut off contact with him for you?".

This is a grab for power. She knows you're calling her out but wants to frame it as her decision and not yours. Be wary here.

She rationalized by saying that she wasn't sure if we were going to get serious and that she wouldn't just cut people off unless she knows for sure.

This isn't rationalization. She's explaining her hypergamic nature to you. AWALT. She pretty much saying to you that she's keeping other dudes on the side while persuing better prospects (and implying that you are the alpha). Do not take her word for it, watch her actions not her words.

In her defence

Stop. You're rationalizing, which is feminine behavior. That's your hamster. Don't think, do. Never DEER.

That said, you're losing frame, fast. You should be in the frame that you don't care if this chick has some other guy on the side, because you have other options. If you're interested in what's on her phone, you've already lost. That said, going LTR was a huge mistake. Look at what it did to you.

NolanKnowstheTruth · 2016-11-30T17:43:46+00:00

If he is only a friend then how does the status of your relationship with her matter at all? Translation; She has been casually fucking him because you two are not that serious.

redolas · 2016-11-30T11:04:48+00:00

she wasn't sure if we were going to get serious and that she wouldn't just cut people off unless she knows for sure

So, in essence, she wants to make sure YOU are getting serious with her.

You should tell her to cut him off, but you will have to decide what type of relationship you want. LTR going towards babies or just LTR for now? She will have to know, because she will want babies. Do you want babies? Do you want them with her? That's the important question you need to answer.

If the answer is no to these questions, then plate her and let her contact whomever she wants. If you're not sure, you will have to decide soon, or she will do it for you, and you may not like the result.

Surfincloud9 · 2016-11-30T15:08:34+00:00

Same situation here. She only texting him though to set up a date o get her cat back cause she had to leave the cat with him when they split up and it's out of state. I told her firmly that if she texts him outside of planning to get the cat, then it's over with immediately. No middle ground

momomotorboat · 2016-11-30T15:47:40+00:00

I'd say "your lifestyle is incompatible with my needs. I'd be happy with the concessions you're making if I felt I wasn't asking for things you strongly want to keep."

Given the recent change in your status, maybe give things a little time to adjust, but don't back off your standards. As in, give her time to put aside a few moments to make those kinds of calls.

Gauge how reluctant she is to do this. I've had a girl who decided what she wanted with me was far more important than keeping 'randos' around, dropped them cold turkey. I didn't really bother verifying, but when I came across shit, it was always clean. Other girl kept bullshiting, eventually chatting with an ex and deleting stuff. Was able to figure out that nothing was going on physically (logistically not possible), but even tho she claimed she hasn't talked to him again, that was when I decided to hard next if.

bsutansalt · 2016-11-30T17:39:51+00:00

Hold frame, reward compliance, punish non-compliance. Those are the broad strokes. Just be aware she's likely not LTR material if she doesn't understand key concepts, such as keeping in touch with an ex is a giant red flag and generally inappropriate. That being said, if she's willing to learn and shape up and become a good quality gf, then more power to you two. Just be sure to keep your eyes open and accept if and when she stops meeting your standards.

RedAsBlood · 2016-11-30T17:54:27+00:00

You are mate guarding.

Do not mate guard.

Theres plenty of information on the main sub / other manosphere websites on mate guarding and why its such a horrible idea.

Ultimately, if shes doing stuff like this she is not suitable for an LTR.

Downgrade her to a plate or next her.

Your behaviour in this situation is abyssmal. Total beta.

At least pretend to have some sort of abundance mentality.

ecosci · 2016-11-30T23:32:55+00:00

Tell her to go back to him and never contact you again she is in the pre alpha widow stages and it will get worst he will always be able to get her to atleast consider doing what he wants at any give time so next her always protect your heart bro.

W_O_M_B_A_T · 2016-12-01T01:36:24+00:00

Not LTR material. You fucked up by committing.

Expect her to continue contacting her ex, secretly.

askmrcia · 2016-12-01T01:56:56+00:00

OP What most people said here is right. Your relationship is over with this girl as far as a LTR is concerned. She is not LTR material.

And I'm telling you this from experience from being in your EXACT situation not too long ago. You know what I did in your situation?

I just held frame, kept cool as if nothing happened. You know what she did? Kept pushing the boundries. Eventually I had to end it.

Wanna know what happened after I ended it? Oh yea, she posts a photo of her friend and her together on FB. The guy who she travels with. Your girl is sleeping around dude.

My girl did the same thing. Gave me access to her phone, but deleted the texts. They are smart enough to communicate through IG, FB, Google Hangouts, WhatsApp, phone calls, or whatever.

I have been in the this situation time and time again. You can leave NOW or you can try and make it work until she fucks you over later. She's keeping you around until she knows for sure if she can branch swing.

I'm telling you from my heart man, this shit is over. I've been down this path more times then I can remember. Women with male friends is never a good thing. And I mean it in a way when she is hanging out with them ALOT.

Oh yea I also had the shoes on the other side of the foot. I would try dating a girl that I had no idea she had a boyfriend. She would tell everyone else that her and I were just friends. Yet, we hooked up. The moment I thought she wanted a LTR, she went right back to her boyfriend.

I too had the thought "sure women can be friends with guys. I know women can be bitches to each other." Nope nope nope.

If they taking trips together, its over. Running together? Its over.

LordThunderbolt · 2016-12-01T20:07:17+00:00

You shouldn't have to tell her that going on a trip with 3 dudes is fucked up. She's not relationship material. Boundaries aren't established or enforced with words, they're established with actions.

Imagine having a child. You shouldn't have to tell your child not to take a dump on your pillow. If your child pops a squat and lays a steaming warm mud monkey on the place you rest your head at night, you know there is something wrong with the kid.

Next the bitch now. You need to realize that there are certain things you shouldn't even have to tell a girl.

Title	New girlfriend texting her ex-boyfriend but says she's willing to cut him off. Do I verify?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	11
Comments	45
Date	November 30, 2016 8:26 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/5fojv2/new_girlfriend_texting_her_exboyfriend_but_says/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/new-girlfriend-texting-her-ex-boyfriend-but-says.182923 https://theredarchive.com/post/182923

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