My adventure into string along here and there “cuddle buddying” was nothing but a Boston ultra marathon for my hampster and a complete anxiety producing pain and drain. Oxytocin is no joke!!! Even just from kissing and cuddling! Somehow I didn't fully register that before. My hampster and I have officially reached maximum heart break and mind f*ck capacity and the red pill paramedics have finally pulled us out of the race.

I now know I have to save my precious pair bonding juju for someone who’s actually worthy of it and willing and able to reciprocate! I probably got so freaking intoxicated so quickly since I’ve been without a man for 8 months already, which means I have to be even more careful! Amazingly, after SEVEN failed serious long term relationships totalling the span of 10 years and other heartbreaks, I still seem to attach like a barnacle, so I guess that’s a plus? All the more reason to stay FAR out at sea until I know I’m ready and there’s a solid captain on that ship I’m attatching to! I had to learn it the hard way, but at least I’m only bruised not broken.

Deleted my Facebook account to escape that vortex of false validation/time wasting/distraction (that I’ve wasted nearly my entire 20s on) and for the first time ever I have full faith and that I’m not going back for a very, very long time. I feel so free without it! Time to get down to the hard work of facing my issues head on and improving my relationships with my real life family and friends. I’m also going to use this opportunity to get right with God and strengthen my spiritual life, since my last hell ride of a relationship pretty much took me straight there and I’m just finally starting to recover my faith. Honestly, I’m feeling better about that than anything else and take comfort in the fact that I can find refuge in God and my spiritual life no matter what happens.

I hope I can be a living testiment for how much nun mode and TRP/RPW could of saved me at 18-28 years old. I so deeply wish I had traditional parents to guide and protect me, so I wasn’t getting in relationships and having heart broken from age 13 on. I wish I wasn’t forced to give up the baby and family I was so excited for and wanting so badly at age 16. It really sucks picking up all these pieces at 30, not knowing if they’ll ever fit together the way I want them to. Nobody but God could of brought me through to this point still standing, and all I can do is surrender all my past mistakes, find forgiveness and do the very best I can right now. So thanks again to everyone who attempted to smack some sense into me. Hopefully I will be able to contribute here in a meaningful way as I get my head back on straight and my feet back on the ground. If you’re willing please say a prayer for me and hopefully I will be another RPW happy ending :)