My Journey Began

With the recent nostalgic/introspective posts by the veterans I am moved to add my story. I have been silent, reading, learning, and improving. i haven’t posted this before or even at start because it was too much me, me, me, I, I, I. That and I was too much in her frame for it to be anything other then puking. Even still to be a part of the community I have to give a little. So my journey.

I am 4 months into the Red Pill Way. I think. I am not keeping a diary. This is the way it is, the way it will be, the past is irrelevant, the path is clear. When I first started I was in turmoil. the unfairness, the horror of it all!! My only rock was that I had started getting into shape a year prior on my own. I had the advantage of my wife of 15 years flat out telling me she found me unattractive due to my weight. Ironic since she herself is 60 pounds overweight and I still wanted to bang her. I got the message. Since then I am back to my fighting weight, and getting my manly form back all through the Stronglift method (again I fortunately chose this).

My wife also verbally confirmed a lot I instinctually knew but it's better to hear it. She's extremely superficial, and capricious. I know this is not unusual. AWALT. I have also learned that AWALT is often used as a point of anger. In Red Pill it's spat out as an offensive thing. If you truly are reading the Stoics, and understand how this relates to your life then you will understand that AWALT is really a reminder that her nature is an opportunity for you to practice some form of virtue. She denies sex? You demonstrate cheerfulness in the face of it. She is in an emotional turmoil? You show her that it too shall pass and tomorrow will be just fine. Do not gloss over this aspect of the Red Pill. Anger....reject it now or it will rule your life. She will show you her worst elements of her personality. In return you must never lower yourself to be someone you don't like.

When I started the usually carnal/physical aspects were not improving as I was covertly promised. How could this happen? How could this be? How much longer!!!??? It was then the epiphany happened. I found the Way. As I said at first I was in turmoil constantly scheming, making plans, if she does this I do that. Then one day as I was teaching some of my older karate students it hit me. What I practice here must apply out there. It's all one. I am living my life as separate people. I had flipped the switch.

My naturally stoic frame came back. I returned to my love of logic, and began independent study again. I have degrees in Ancient History and early civilizations. I am not a stranger to the Stoics. This was once how I lived. In the moment I realized all this the anger went away and I knew that this above all was holding me back. Which is the way I see it, anger is the key factor in stopping many guys from achieving their goals here, or rather it stunts them as I see the unmarried Red Pill side of it. To be OI, and I mean truly OI you have to reject all that was once of you. You have to build a fortress within your mind and rally your strength there. Nothing can assail it. You are a rock.

After this and much trial and error I started experimenting with the "rules", well...more like guidelines, of MRP. Among the first lessons you must understand you have to apply what works throw away what doesn't. And like Game you won't know until you try. Failure is to be expected and sometimes failure just is. I mentioned once that /u/bluepillprofessor has the idea that you apply three things to a sexually denying wife in stages. Withdraw, time, then affection, and in extreme cases your presence...basically you are just phoning it in at home. After a lot of work I found my wife ONLY responds when I do all three. That's when I start to see cracks in her frame and get her to enter mine.

Why put up with her behavior? I don't. Yet time is needed for her to adjust. And she has in small ways, but she is stubborn, arrogant, and self centered. These things are not easy to overcome. Again I must use these as opportunities to show her virtue. This isn't only about getting more and better sex from my wife. For many this one goal dominates their thinking and clouds their judgement. Some can make this their one clear goal ( /u/ultimatecad ), but I would argue it only works when you give yourself over to it. In the Yin and Yang analogy, a married man is a complete balance of Yin/Yang within himself. There harmony and peace is found. Cad represents the man that has given himself completely to his Yang nature, and therefore he has found peace, BUT only because he has given himself completely. He is the embodiment of Yang desires. Red Pill represents men trying to get to the completeness of their Yang nature, but it is not something everyone can pull off. It is best to seek balance within yourself, until you can do that you cannot get balance nor control any thing else. You must control yourself in order to control your environment....this is the lesson that brought it all crashing down on me. Lifting is the first lesson in this.

Better sex will come. Do I have a timeline? No. I don't need one. There is no timeline there is only the ever present now and the time I need to improve and return to the Path. Will this lead to divorce? Possible. I am unconcerned about it. Divorce will merely be another opportunity for me to demonstrate virtue. Like death, I am unafraid of it, aware of it but it does not influence me. The path leads where it leads, as long as I stay true to it I will be better for it. In the fullness of time it will all reveal itself as long as I put in the work day by day, little by little. There are good days and bad. Some days I brood. I am human. Yet I don't see it the way I used to. The shrew I live with is now an opportunity for me to learn something about myself. Why is this being reflected back at me? Over the time she has softened a bit, a little more easy going. A little more cheerful. Time is well and truly a son of a bitch.

My first few months I was too much into if I do this she will do that. Like a general on a battlefield. I wasn't in the moment, I was too focused on unimportant things. The hubris gets to you. You think I WANT IT ALL NOW! But you are nothing more then an angry baby. Maybe there was something to the Zen masters rejecting carnal desires? This is when I started implementing my own version of monk mode which is really a method from stoicism. Did you know that Seneca, one of the most wealthy of the Stoics, practiced forced poverty? He did this to remind himself that wealth was temporary. A married man's "monk mode" can be similar. A reminder that the pleasures of life are only a result of hard work. I can't go into more detail because I haven't yet completely understood it, but...it appears to be working. For instance I don't believe my wife should be unavailable during shark week. She's often said it's her week off. Knowing my wife's vindictive nature, and her penchant for wanting to cause pain (emotional and mental...she's a bitch like that) when she's upset, this has always felt more like a barb. She thinks that my sexual desires are like the car. She can turn them on when she's ready. So I still initiate and expect sex in some form. Her denials even then are opportunities for me to practice a virtue, a cheerfulness in the face of her rejection. With my serious modifications I saw the first glimmer of success. It's minor but I will take it, watch what she does, not what she says. I will remind any new guy reading this that this is after extensive trial and error. Start where everyone says and work your way to where ever it leads. Stay true to the path.

This is why for me the biggest part, the more important part, and really the only part is learning to control yourself. I laugh when I think the old masters had the right of it, but we are too stupid to see it. Knowing yourself, mastering yourself, YOU are the biggest enemy you will ever face. Controlling anger, fear, outrage, indignation.....it all stems from selfishness. Now I sound like a fucking Jedi.

Blue pill is not only misguided but extremely distasteful to me. It is the epitome of selfishness. They are offended NOT because they don't believe in the Red Pill Way. They actually do. Their mere existence demonstrates that fact. The idea that they have a sub to ridicule and not to inform validates Red Pill. Yet their true anger stems from the fact that we don't believe as they do. It is as simple as that. Look at the sub for proof. There is not one original thought of content there. Blue Pill is a rejection of everything. No original thought, nothing but sarcasm, which is pretend intelligence. Cleverness masquerading as brilliance.

The selfishness of Blue Pill should not be confused with the idea of putting yourself first. Or as Ann Rand called it the Virtue of Selfishness. This idea of Red Pill is the type of selfishness that turns you into someone of value. You must be a man of value. You must be a man of action. In order to do that you have to start seeing obstacles for what they are.

I had a lot of teachers in my life. Military, and martial arts. It has heavily dominated my world. Sometimes the lessons never made sense....I thought it was the oriental accents, but really it was because I wasn't ready for the lesson, but they answered my questions any way. The one that comes to me now is from Drill Sergeant Ballard on a hot Kentucky day.

"There are only 3 ways to deal with an obstacle, ladies. Go over it, go around it, or blow it in place (DS Ballard was fond of explosives). Notice how none of those is to turn around go back."

This came off far more philosophical then what I intended. My journey is long, the path is clear.