What's Your Personal Definition of "Becoming/Being a a Man"? How Did You "Become" One?

[deleted] · 2014-09-02T00:33:49+00:00

[permanently deleted]

kickingthedog · 2014-09-01T15:16:50+00:00

The day I truly stopped caring what people thought of me and started moving with a purpose in any direction I desired, I became a man.

The day I learned to temper my purpose with principle, I became a good man.

The day I learned to consider the feelings and opinions of others while still getting shit done, I became a good man that people can respect. (The mission is greater than the opinions and feelings of others, only bend this rule when possible, better to be a man that gets shit done more often than not.)

sheds82 · 2014-09-01T14:56:39+00:00

I think it is different for everyone. I will be 28 soon, and I think I am still growing and evolving as a person. Up to this point in my life, I would consider some "steps" to who I have become today.

-Quit weed and cigarettes -Filtered negative people out of my life -Have well defined long term goals -Developed a drive for success through hard work/work ethic -Started waking up early (under rated point) -Been going to the gym hard for a year now -Not concerned with other's opinions of me -Done chasing women. I truly believe if you make the best out of yourself, women will come. No need to chase. -Developed outside hobbies -Staying humble and level headed

The most important thing is that life just keeps getting better if you put in effort. There is a lot of noise on the internet and sitting on reddit will not solve anything. Change does not happen over night. Get some goals and work on yourself. Happiness will ensue.

Meatclap · 2014-09-01T19:19:08+00:00

Maturity, responsibility, accountability, honesty (integrity), ownership of my choices and doing right by myself and others (being honorable).

Being a man was one of those things that took time, it meant I had to lose everything to learn what humility meant, and losing everything (up to my life) gave me perspective and contrast. I am known by people now as a man of great integrity and honesty, that I am utterly trustworthy because I deal plainly and never break my word unless I'm forced to (which is rare).

I used to think being a man meant having achievements under my belt, like a wife and kids, a good career, other such hallmarks, but lie had other designs, and being a man meant great personal sacrifice to stand my ground on what I knew to be right, and to fight with all my strength what I knew to be wrong.

Being a man also means learning that whatever I think I am neither superior or inferior, and that differences can be strengths and not weakness, that people who think in ways I do not are not wrong, they're just not the same.

I suppose there is not really some quantifiable quality I can nail down but a series of cumulative personal evolutions.

jamieoneal82 · 2014-09-01T14:39:09+00:00

Check out /r/becomeaman, read "The Way Of The Superior Man" and "Iron John, A Book About Men".

Edit: the becomeaman sub can be a bit confusing at first. Sort the posts by "new" and go to the last page with the "day 1" post. Work "backwards" from there.

redpilltoss · 2014-09-01T21:41:29+00:00

This. A thousand times this. http://www.kiplingsociety.co.uk/poems_if.htm

JihadDerp · 2014-09-01T16:18:53+00:00

Step 1: Stop giving credence to "the definition of a man" according to anyone but yourself.

Slightly contradictory step 2: Deeply contemplate your place in the world. You're one of 7 billion and counting. Do you have the drive and motivation to make the whole world a better place? That's a big task, maybe just your country. That's still a lot, maybe just your city. Maybe you'll start a business and give value to those who are willing to pay for it. Maybe you want to create something and leave a legacy that lives beyond your finite years here. Maybe that's a lot, maybe you just want to focus on improving the lives of one or three people... say.. your kids.

All of these are respectable endeavors. The question is, how much do you care? What are you willing to spend your life doing? What's ACTUALLY important to you?

Take a minute or a hundred to figure that out. Then set your rules around achieving that goal. Then live accordingly, and fuck everyone else's opinion. They either 1) don't get it, or 2) have their own agenda. But that's not important to you. What's important is living your life according to your values, your standards, your rules.

That frame, in my opinion, validates any "definition of being a man" you come up with.

elysius · 2014-09-01T15:24:13+00:00

Being a man has always been about being capable. Being capable of taking care of yourself, your family, your community. Being capable of exerting dominion over yourself, others and the land. Being capable of solving problems. Different cultures valued different capabilities at different times, but it's always come down to this.

Obviously not only men were capable, but a man incapable on the aspects valued by his community was no man at all. Women were always more evaluated on aspects they couldn't really change-- beauty, fertility-- but it was always understood that men could be forged: A girl became a woman when she first bled, something that happened to her and was reasonably expected to happen to every single girl at some point in their lives. A boy, on the other hand, had to pass some kind of test to prove his worth, something he had to do to show he was capable of contributing at the minimum level that was expected from the men on the community. Some wouldn't pass the tests..

In that sense, women were blameless for their failures, but men were to blame for theirs: Any man could learn the skills needed to become a valued member of his community. If a man was useless and yet was not a cripple, people knew it was because he just didn't give a shit, or was simply worthless, which in the end was the same. Women who were ugly or couldn't bear children could still take care of other children and do various things around the tribe. Men who couldn't or wouldn't hunt, fight, build, work, etc, were simply a burden on everyone else.

The recent survivalist craze is about this. Men looked at how mankind dispersed throughout the globe, in small groups mostly lead no doubt by men, and how they managed to survive and even thrive even under the most inhospitable conditions. Then they figured, hey, if I was dropped anywhere on Earth, as a man, I should be able to survive. Or else I would be failing to live up to the men who came before me and prospered in similar conditions. Then they realized, I would be so dead. And started trying to fix that.

For me that's going a little overboard-- A man who made his way into North America during the Ice Age would probably not do too well if suddenly dropped in Wall Street, and that would arguably be a more valuable skillset in modern days.

So, what are you capable of?

[deleted] · 2014-09-01T15:04:29+00:00

Figure out your values and what you want from life.
Pursue these goals, live by these values.
Measure yourself against your potential. Learn to respect yourself in your success and failures.
Find men who embody these values and have achieved these goals. Earn their respect.

Gelo_kinleM · 2014-09-01T15:41:32+00:00

The definition of a man varies greatly across time and space. Any objective truths a male may hold on the definition will likely change several times during his lifespan. Reason why this is subjective is because unlike females, who attain womanhood through nature, our transformation to manhood is completely dependent on the male and his environment.

My personal definition of a man is a certain mindset that a male holds in order to accomplish his mission. The mindset is achieved (for me personally) through pain, suffering, self-sacrifice, and self-discipline in pursuit of the mission.

[deleted] · 2014-09-01T16:00:55+00:00

I became a man when I left the house and traveled the world on my own, earned my own education (two degrees and counting), earned my own income, and had several affairs with women. Oh, and I never once gave a shit about others or what they thought unless they had earned my respect.

Now, I don't travel the world as much but work out a lot instead. I think this makes a man stay a man as lifting, boxing, fencing, etc etc. all play a valuable part in keeping you at the top of your game.

human_bean_ · 2014-09-01T18:26:07+00:00

Do what makes you happy, not what makes you comfortable.

wall-of-meth · 2014-09-01T18:36:49+00:00

Becoming a man is a whole other aspect than being a man.

This is what I see in those phrases:

In order to become a man, you need to experience the extremes of life. Experience the lowest low and the highest high you can imagine. Thus you know what you need to avoid and what to strive for.

And when you finally are a man, that's a whole other level. To me, being a man is about having constants in life you can rely on that you build yourself. It also is the ability to make a plan out of every situation you're in. The ability to rebuild constants for your life you can rely on. Being a man is the ability to make a good life out of everything, relying only on yourself and maintain that life. And what is good is up to each male.

PlanB_pedofile · 2014-09-01T18:37:32+00:00

To a young man... you become a man when you do something on your own without anyone's help or permission.

Buy a car by yourself. Purchase a stock by yourself. See a concert by yourself.

Often people hold themselves back because they are afraid of going alone or needing permission from others.

Biggest achievement is doing that dream thing you wanted to do and you did it all with your own efforts.

Being a man means having the ability to step away from the herd and solo your own path.

vengefully_yours · 2014-09-01T19:17:34+00:00

I enlisted, made it through boot, two years later we went to war. What I did between 2 August 90 and 14 October 91 defined who I am today. Everything is easy compared to that year and two months, except forgetting it. It brought me into sharp focus, and prepared me for everything else in life.

To a lesser extent, wrestling in high school did the same thing. You achieve by your own work, talent, knowledge and merit in wrestling. The coach doesnt decide who is varsity, you compete against the others at your weight and the victor is varsity. Its not a judgement call, its not favoritism, or popularity, its kick the other guys ass. Wrestling gave me the mindset I needed in the world, the 'fuck you, I will do it myself' attitude and the knowledge that I can accomplish my goals if I put in the work. In every team sport I sat on the bench, a spectator in uniform, because I wasn't a popular kid and to this day people still vastly underestimate me based on my appearance.

These were my passages to manhood, the paradigm with which I viewed the world. It is never the easy way that makes you a man, its always something difficult where the possibility of epic failure is immediately at hand. I have endured great hardships in my life, come away with the scars to remind me, and I wear them proudly because I earned them. What those experiences taught me was go big or go home, run what ya brung and hope its enough. Its no surprise that it translated into my hobbies and lifes passions, and now I do things with cars that others simply can't do. Mine run faster and longer for less money, because I put in the work.

What makes you a man? Earning what you have, enduring what life throws at you, kicking ass and taking names, and to a certain extent protecting those who are too weak or incapable of doing it themselves. You get more satisfaction from the hard way, but even if its the hard way do it smart. There are mountains you can climb straight up the rock face or walk up the gentle slope on the other side. The vertical climb will test you and prove yourself better, but you can't do it stupidly or it will take far longer and end up costing you more. Another way to think about it is you want 1500hp, do you start with the 2.0L 4 cylinder, or do you start with a 7.5L V8? Its hard either way you do it, but it will cost you far less to start with the bigger engine. I'm a 7.5L kind of man.

_wolfgang_ · 2014-09-02T22:09:40+00:00

I like the definition of masculinity and manhood presented by Jack Donovan in his book The Way of Men and certainly suggest people read it. Masculinity itself is an elusive concept and one that means different things to different people. To me it is merely the concepts laid out in the above book and also freedom and independence. Freedom as in self sufficiency, doing what you want to do regardless of societal constraints etc.

[deleted] · 2014-09-01T20:24:59+00:00

Being successful in your career, being able to say you have a group of guys to hang out with, and lifting like a motherfucker.

CruiseCruise · Mon Sep 1 20:44:53 2014 UTC

Here's a way to think about it:

You are a man. This is already a fact. There's no question about it.

You, have all the biology and instincts and whatever else of being a man.

You gotta get real solid on that point. You are a man. It's nothing spectacular. It's just what you already are, and it's actually prettygreat.

THEN: for all kinds of reasons, society has trained us to repress our natural masculinity. A whole structure ofshame, confusing, messages, absence of positive role models, etc. Your natural manly instincts have been shamed into submission.

What's important here is your manhood has not been "conditioned out of you by society." Instead, you've been trained to constantly hold back. like to keep one foot on the brakes. The problem is, a lot of men know how to take our foot off the brake. And then, if you've never had your foot off the brake, you dont really know what to do with all this energy. The answer society gave us was--suppress that energy, or sacrifice it to someone/something else.

It's like trying to force a dog to act like a cat--the dog's gonna be miserable. But if you stop trying to force him to be a cat--he's gonna be kind of confused and not know how to use his dog energy at first. But one things for sure--he doesn't have to BECOME a dog. He already is a dog, he just doesn't know how to relate to himself.

So the great thing is--If you approach it this way, you dont have to BECOME a man or become something new.

You are already a man. So all you gotta do is get a little familiar with what that means. And then do some of the things you're naturally motivated to do. And you will have to figure out how to relate to your natural masculity because you're not necessarily benefitting yourself to follow every manly impulse. But you're also not benefitting yourself denying masculinity which is what you've done all your life.

Here's one example--do you want bigger muscles? Yeah, we all do, unless we're told for some reason it's bad or brutish. So, you're a man, you like strength, go to the gym and get big and strong. It's a natural thing to do. If someone disrespects you, do you want to beat them up. Well yeah, kind of, but that's something you gotta keep in check. But that doesn't mean you gotta let everyone walk all over you and sacrifice yourself. So pay attention to how to stand up for yourself and how to confront others. Do you want to have sex with girls? Yeah, it's natural to want to have sex with girls because you're a man, and for some men it's natural to want to have sex with men. The point is, if you want to have sex more, you can learn about how to talk to girls and what gets them to respond. that can help. And the great thing is, yeah, all this takes work, but you'll feel more like you are yourself than before. Personally, i feel like TRP is a way of just relaxing and enjoying your natural energy. I dont feel (but some do) that they have to deny their instincts and try to be something unnatural.

There's nothing magical to achieve, and if you think you need to become something abstract, and tell yourself you're unacceptable, you'll just make yourself miserable. And you'll always kind of fight yourself and feel like you're forcing something unnatural. Doesn't ahve to be that way.

But the main basis for all of this, what works well, i think--is if you START with an absolutely solid understanding that you are a man already. You dont become a man. you dont become a better man. You are a man. You want to get better at enjoying your life as a man. And your only project is to drop some of the baggage and bullshit you've been told you have to carry. And as you get to know your natural manly instincts, you can kind of... develop them and decide how to relate to it. It's really about learning to enjoy your own self, and your nature, and your own natural emotional reactions to things and your own physical presence.

A couple great resources for this kind of thing:

Google the book of pook, you'll find a lot of just old, primal masculine stuff he talks about in there. and just kind of read it, see what rings true to you. what stuff does he say that you kind of nod and go-- yeah, that's me

Also, there's a video called Natural Instincts method. Watch it a few times and really internalize the messages. Think about what he's saying and then just try applying some of it in your life. It's great stuff:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pStv5PyANyI

NormanoSilurian · 2014-09-01T21:12:57+00:00

The Pillars of Masculinity (in order of importance):

Warrior - take up a martial art, and enjoy getting good at it
Hunter - pursue your career and become as successful as you can
Seducer - learn TRP, learn PUA, lift/exercise, and get out there

I also believe that intellect, artistic skill and political engagement are also masculine traits (though not main pillars).

CaptainFalconer · 2014-09-01T21:57:37+00:00

Becoming someone you have a deep sense of respect for.

Halfaredpill · 2014-09-02T01:20:02+00:00

In my very early 50, this is something I think about a lot.

I am here because I was an AFC/Mr Nice Guy/Blue Pill, and while I am over with that shit, and I have swallowed the Red Pill, still it's not easy to be and to feel like a real man in this time and age.

This is a brilliant question, and I take this opportunity to write this comment for my own benefits first, to verbalize what's in my head; and to contribute to this community second. Everyone should do the same, here in public.

I am a man when:

I say what I mean, and I follow up with my actions. I am true to my words.
I respect myself and I don't engage with people that don't, no matter what their reason is.
I have my goals in life, and I live every day getting closer and closer to them; I live a life that is very close to my ideal life, without settling down.
I won't let anyone dictate my life, unless it's at work (job). This is something very dear to me, and finally a couple of years ago I was able to start my own little company so no longer have to get a job in order to manitain my lifestyle.
I can endure physical duress if I have to. I lift at the gym, I am not scared by physical work if I have to and I actually welcome it here and there, while I enjoy the modern conveniences, I don't shun away from some discomforts: I run in the winter in the snow, I don't take pain killers for minor aches and pains, I end my showers with 20-30 seconds of cold water (thinking about switching to cold showers).
I don't indulge in drugs of any kind.
I can fix a few things, I own many tools and I enjoy the challenge of tackling new manual project.
I run 5K, 10K, I hike and bike regularly. I track my times and distances and keep improving my performance.
I don't let women play games on me: I don't buy them drinks, I don't pay for dinners or other activities; I don't even counteract shit tests, if she's in to shit tests she's not for me.
I don't dress fashionable and I have my own style, and always dressed for the occasion, but not metrosexual nor hipster style.

naturalredpill · 2014-09-02T05:24:54+00:00

I'm tall and smart and funny and women have been pulling my pants down since I was 10. Don't beat yourself up about not having all the genetic gifts. Get good at your job, and confident about your abilities. Then get built. I'm ectomorphic, so I didn't have all the gifts either. I work on my weak points and lead with my strengths. You'll find your level of satisfaction and then not give a fuck about anything but being right with yourself, and you'll know you arrived.

dancing_junkie · 2014-09-02T18:51:17+00:00

I've just started feeling a lot of happiness and pride for being a guy (lots of thanks to TRP). My work ethic has kicked up, I do not tolerate most bullshit, I'm working out more, and I've got a cute younger girl who seems to follow my lead fairly well (for now). Being a man is broad and really is about who you are and what you feel it is to define your self as the sex you are.

[deleted] · 2014-09-02T20:05:29+00:00

No matter what women say, they have no idea what a "real man" is. The fact that they ride the CC before settling for BetaBux is already proof enough.

A man is someone who:

Makes decisions for himself. As with any human, he too is influenced by other people's opinions. Thats not what is important. What is important is that he decides what he thinks is best.
He takes responsibility for his own actions. If he says he is going to do something, then he will do it. If he fails to do it, he will own up. In this regard, many "flakes" should not be regarded as men but rather as women because these are female tendencies. The female will blame others for her inability/unwillingness to do something. A man will seek to better himself so that he does not have to face negative consequences again.

There are certainly nuances to these 2 rules but I think it will encompass almost everything of everyday life. Businessmen and politicians operate on their own set of rules and are almost always seen as corrupt and while some of it is justified, most of these judgments are made by people who have never set foot in the business or political world and do not understand its realities.

But to answer OP's questions, I was always seen as weak because I never participated in the things that my peers were doing. They wanted to be popular, go to parties, and whatnot throughout high school. I wanted to increase my skills and become dependable. I certainly was dependable for school projects but it wasn't until I deliberately sabotaged a group for not doing any work that people began to fear/respect me (long story but TL;DR I arranged it so that they had no proof that they did any work at all and they ended up failing the class).

So in a sense, I think there might be a 3rd rule:

He has power to back up his actions/words.

CunningStunt_1 · 2014-09-01T15:29:35+00:00

Taking responsibility for yourself and your actions.

whitey_male · 2014-09-01T19:29:29+00:00

There are very few real men in this world, they are so few in number they may as well not exist. I wouldn't worry about it.

Most "men" are just self important and arrogant boys imo.

pattyice11 · 2014-09-01T20:34:14+00:00

Sure, that and a pair of testicles.

Title	What's Your Personal Definition of "Becoming/Being a a Man"? How Did You "Become" One?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	22
Comments	44
Date	September 1, 2014 2:28 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/TheRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/2f6682/whats_your_personal_definition_of_becomingbeing_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/TheRedPill/whats-your-personal-definition-of-becomingbeing-a.20347 https://theredarchive.com/post/20347

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