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FRs from men with depressed wives

Reddit View
December 4, 2018
10 upvotes

Wife was diagnosed as depressed this week, confirming and explaining many of her behaviors that I've observed for many years- suddenly makes lots of sense.

Interested in any resources that can help here- applying dread seems like an easy way to trigger suicidal thoughts. We're going to find her therapy and some pills... but I'm not sure how to preserve my sanity / continue with MRP in the meanwhile. Self improvement on my side isnt going to slow down one iota, etc. But really worried about gaslighting being a consequence of her new diagnosis and this becoming a new normal.

Has anyone been here? How did it play out? What applies in MRP vs in dealing with non-depressed women? Please only reply if you have direct experience. Thanks


Post Information
Title FRs from men with depressed wives
Author electric_dragon1
Upvotes 10
Comments 22
Date 04 December 2018 12:30 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/203753
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/a3094o/frs_from_men_with_depressed_wives/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
dread gamefield reportgaslighting
Comments

[–]The_LitzRed Beret20 points21 points  (0 children) | Copy

Firstly, the best thing for my wife's condition was me owning my shit and taking the helm and leading.

Any mental disorder gets easier when your partner has their shit together and you don't have to worry about a drunk captain.

You literally help her by helping yourself.

Dread. Here it gets a little, tricky. She is still a woman and Dread still works, but you have to monitor it more closely. Always keep in mind that MRP just provides tools, you must learn what to use and when to use it for your situation. Experiment and see what works for you. A little less hampster but still being a man with shit to do. Always have a mission.

Many men think being Alpha means being mean, hard and unforgiving. It is actually being an oak for your family, owning your shit and standing by your boundaries. Actually having boundaries today is already an accomplishment, seen in the light where many men carry their wife's purse with their balls in it.

Practically going forward. She will probably be on meds. They have an effect on the libido. Don't take that as meaning no sex. I have regular sex with my wife on meds. The meds also take a while to kick in. Depending on the condition and meds she may become a little numb to the world, most of these meds dulls the senses. The most important is that it does not bring YOU down.

Practically I still expect her to pull her weight. No one gets a free ride on HMS Litz. I personally think exercise, good diet and a purpose in life is what carries you through depression. Make sure she has purpose and is looking after herself.

Strongs brother.

[–]470_2_700_nm10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

I can tell you my wife’s Physician tried to tell her she was depressed. Hell we were both depressed before I swallowed the RP - life sucked with drip fed sex being administered to a thirsty beta.

What are your lifts? Have you gamed other woman as of late?

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Depressed, fat, addicted, has cancer, etc. These are all health conditions, and Redpill is amoral about your attitude toward them. From the simplest assessment you should look to get more value out of the relationship than you invest in.

From an integrated male stand point, or that of an Alpha Provider you need to continue on your path to being the best you. Frame, abundance, and removal from the pedestal are paramount here. Give freely, because you can, not for any expectations in return. Don't be captain-sav-a-ho either.

Treat this like any other disease. Expect that she will advocate for herself, that she will seek to improve her situation and that she does not regress to accepting the status quo. You need to set clear and enforceable boundaries; you will seek help, you will actively participate in treatment, I will not be codependent.

In the end you need to assess what is your go/stay point. What are you willing to live with? Do you have kids (and what is the impact of living with a depressed mother)? Given the totality of the situation what are all available options?

In the end 40 years from now, if you divorced her tomorrow or stuck with her even though she was depressed and a boat anchor to your life makes no difference to me or anyone else. You are the one who has to answer whether she was worth it or not.

[–]Maraur5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

My stats first since this is not going to be taken seriously otherwise: SQ 330, DL 450, BP 235. 5'10, 29 years.

Now, I've lived with a depressed wife for four years. We're talking clinical, as in "can't out of bed" some days. Suicidal thoughts. The lot. We have two kids - 2 and 5 years old.

Depending how she is as a person, you're not wrong in that it might trigger suicidal thoughts. Or at least feelings of extreme inadequacy. In my case these were also tests though. It's just that they took on a different form from what you usually read about, and that took me some time to understand. I also think it's extremely difficult to distinguish shit tests and comfort tests in this situation. And if you reply in accordance with a shit test - but it was really a comfort test - well, I hope you have stacks of tissues ready.

I also don't know what your sex life looks like, but I'm guessing you're doing almost all the initiating?

That said, keep improving. Same rules still apply. PM if you want to talk more.

[–]FoxShitNasty831 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm down sometimes but making positive changes has helped me. Wife refuses to accept or talk about depression and project emotion onto me.. it's my fault etc... any tips on getting her to open up emotionally? Or just normal, sidebar, dread and work on yourself until she comes around.. or dosent.

Edit: now I thought about it it's the latter... Always the latter with a cut-off date

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

She can either fix her depression or not.

Threatening suicide is simply a control tactic.

People with actual SI don’t blame someone else for “making them “ have those thoughts

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

People with actual SI don’t blame someone else for “making them “ have those thoughts

You sure about that? By people I assume you mean "women."

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

No. I mean people. I’ve seen men do it too

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Life is to short to deal with that shit.

[–]Two_kids_in_a_coat5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

No difference. What dread level are you? What are your lifts? What is your mission?

Straight talk, sounds like you haven’t read the sidebar and are looking for an excuse. You don’t understand dread at all.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

Amazing how my wife is now thinking of killing the 1/2 pills now that I game the fuck out of her non stop or press wood front and back hourly, daily, weekly.

Just make damned sure it’s not libido lowering meds. Talk to her doc. Don’t assume. Verify.

[–]capn_barnacles0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Just make damned sure it’s not libido lowering meds. Talk to her doc. Don’t assume. Verify.

This. Read up on SSRI's and more effective alternatives without the libido side effects.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Trust. But verify. Always fucking verify.

“Oh yes honey, I’m paying the bills.... “ as you find out not in some fucked up way like the hottest day of the year the ac is off for the afternoon. Or, god forbid- overdrafts or. late charges.

trust but verify in every aspect

[–]Non_Merger2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Back in the day, spent a lot of time trying to "fix" my wife's depression/anxiety/mania/insomnia. Was a roller coaster of bullshit. She was taking up to 5 different meds at one point, all with side effects on side effects.

Just over 5 years ago, I enforced a radical diet change on the family and all the bullshit stopped. No more meds since then and no more depression/anxiety/mania/insomnia either. For more information, look up Paleo or Ketogenic diets.

Having a healthful mental state REQUIRES a healthful body, which can only be achieved through nutrition. You can't medicate your way out of a bad diet (diet meaning way of eating).

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Less Dread Game, more leadership. Depressed people isolate themselves and become downers. The best cure for depression isn't even pills or therapy. It is staying active and especially getting to the gym and lifting heavy weights followed by 30 minutes of cardio. A lot of guys don't want their wives near the sacred Iron Temple but if you can stand it this would help. Get her to enroll in a workout class. Hire a trainer to meet with her twice a week. Take her by the hand and go for a walk around the block.

[–]HornsOfApathy2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Mind you, I'm only 4-5 months into MRP, but I can tell you what DOESN'T work.

I've spent years trying to "love" her through her depression. IT DOES NOT WORK. To be clear, she's probably BPD or manic depressive, and was on 3-4 meds for 1.5 years. She stopped them all 3 months ago - at my request to reset. Well, as expected she's a fucking crazy bitch again unless I'm doing what works.

The ONLY thing that works?

LEADERSHIP and ALPHA KINDNESS

Leadership:

I treat her now like the oldest teenager in the house, which MRP recommends, but taken to a whole new level. You have to proactively lead her to where you want her to go. She will fill the container you provide, but not enthusiastically until enough training. Learn to STFU like a pro and when she gets even MORE pissed that you're not reacting in a way to further enable her depression she will lash out. Hard. Vitrol spewing kind of shit. It's their way of trying to bring people down to their level. In some way, I think that depression amplifies dread so I've had to keep it very covert. Never ever overt, unless you want her out of the fucking house in a heartbeat.

Alpha Kindness:

When I speak of kindness, I'm not talking about being a BP bitch. You do these things to improve YOUR quality of life, from your point of origin. I'm talking about a unique Alpha Kindness doing the things that you would normally do to take care of your household family members to make sure they're all setup for success - regardless of who they are. In particular, depression attacks both eating and sleeping with vigor. Here are a few examples of how I personally employ alpha kindness -

  • Breakfast is made every morning. High protein. Juice. Milk. Eggs. Bacon. I don't take requests for breakfast, I just make it. I started making breakfast just for me, then over time it was easier to make it for everyone. I make her a plate, and she chooses to eat it or not.
    • If she eats, great, she has energy for fucking and being a good wife
    • If she doesn't eat, I remind her to as I would the oldest teenager in the house to do their homework. She usually does. I just leave the plate there.
  • Generally, she's cold natured and so am I. I keep a blanket in every room, nicely folded, and smelling like me. When I sense she's going into a dark place if we are hanging out, I just get up silently and bring the blanket to her and cover her legs and torso. I don't offer it to her, or say a word about it, I just cover her up. She can always take it off if she wants.
    • Refuse the blanket? Fine. I'll take it.
    • Accept the blanket? Great. Your pussy will be warmer for fucking later.
  • Medications. When she was on them, I went out and bought an organizer and regularly checked to make sure she took them. Depressed people are forgetful. I also refill it each week.
    • Don't take your meds? I'm going to call your ass out on it. Remove my time & attention.
    • Take your meds? Great. Maybe your head will get out of the shitter and into my lap.
  • She often sweats at night. Could be stress, medications, whatever. I don't care. If she sweats the night before, I go upstairs at some point during the day and change the sheets on the bed. Without even saying a fucking word about it. I don't want to sleep in sweaty sheets - and by proxy I'm sure she doesn't either. I never fail to do this.
    • New sheets? Great, they'll feel great when we fuck.
    • New Sheets? Great, even if we don't fuck they won't be wet from her sweat.
  • Organization. Depressed folks get incredibly unorganized. I keep an electronic schedule of all events, personal and family, that she has access to. When necessary, I will sit down and review the schedule with her if there are a lot of things going on.
    • Got the schedule down, wife? Good. I won't have to pickup your shit.
    • Don't have the schedule down, wife? Bad. I'm going to do it anyways because it needs done, but I'm going to remove my time & attention.

These are just a few examples. If taken out of context of depression, they could certainly seem very very blue pill. But when combined with your mental point of origin of doing it for YOU and NOT HER, she will slowly realize what a fuck up she is and how much value you bring to the relationship. It's not a covert contract. This shit has to happen anyways.

In my personal experience I have found that she will rarely if ever initiate, or very weakly initiate. Don't expect anything from your leadership and alpha kindness. It will become a covert contract and you want to avoid those. It's good to do nice things for people when they need them if it's going to help YOU in the long run proactively deal with shit tests or avoid them alltogether.

I get shit tested multiple times a day from my depressed wife. When they know they are lower value it is their only option to bring you down with the passion of a fucking T-Rex . If you've not experienced depression shit tests.... It's not graceful. As your SMV climbs, she will either get with the program herself or not.... but you'll be high value.

[–]ProfessorDrNoob0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you for writing this.

[–]letsbiohackslaves1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

How old is she? Has she been through menopause?

[–]MrPurplePoison2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

If she really has depression and is not faking it for sympathy you should not care one bit. If she has had depression for a while then it is great that she has had a diagnosis and might be able to get some better treatment. Depression probably can't be cured but it can often be treated. She has to do all the work. It is all on her.

Your job, at most, will be to plan for medical expenses and to maybe understand side effects of medication. Some of the head pills that can be prescribed can really flip personalities so you will have to take that into consideration if she changes medication. Other than that, not your problem. This was, is, and always will be her battle. Foster an employer / employee mindset: if your employee had depression you could be sympathetic but you still need her to haul her ass to work. It's her job to make the best of the treatment. Or not.

Your road ahead is dangerous and filled with traps. Now you must really cultivate your abundance mentality and start thinking of her as a live in girlfriend who you can dump at any time. Be extra cautious if she says she is feeling suicidal. Start recording. Call the cops for a welfare check. Don't mess around with this stuff because you need to protect yourself AND if she is not faking it she really will need help. No refunds on suicide. But there are many, many, many opertunities to manipulate you. Your "protector" instinct is exposed and she will use it to keep you inline regardless of her illness.

Stay your course. She is now your live in depressed girlfriend who needs to work on getting her head sorted out so that she can make you happy. Same thing which would be expected of you. You need to forge ahead and live for you, full speed. Don't even think about her illness or her feelings, just be an awesome human. If you have kids you will need to worry about shielding them as well.

This is from personal experience. Lift, flirt, mission. Godspeed, man.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You sound like you’re too deep in her frame. Probably best to start actually adopting TRP principles.



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