Advice Request

redwall92 · 2018-12-03T17:59:47+00:00

Any therapist or professional will tell you to take threats of self-harm seriously. AWALT, right? Well, yeah ... but not with talk of self-harm.

If she wants off the reservation, you can't stop her in the long run. But you better do enough to keep your own sanity if she does get off the reservation on her terms. You will have to deal with your lack of intervention if it comes to that. And you will I believe bear the brunt of your children's frustration if it comes to that.

Religious upbringing can do a lot to remove a woman's sense of agency. And the choice to end one's own life seems to provide some women with an ultimate way of telling the whole world to fuck off and reclaiming that agency for themselves on their own terms.

My wife spent a week in a mental institution after making credible threats of suicide - including purchasing a firearm and making a plan. She still holds it against me that I removed her choice. It's still a huge sticking point for "us".

Depending on your state, if you get a professional (possibly including a past) involved just on your own - if you meet with a therapist or a pastor just one your own - they may have a legal obligation to make a call for her safety. This is in some states mind you. But if you communicate something to that professional that gives them an understanding that your wife is making credible threats, and if they don't act, and if it comes to light that they should have acted, then they are held responsible at some level. As her husband, I don't believe you are held legally responsible. But the law isn't all we're talking about here. I didn't want to have to deal with the theoretical future of explaining to our children what I didn't have the guts to do while we were putting their mother in the ground.

I don't know what you're wife is prone to do - hopefully you know this at a somewhat intimate level after 20+ years. "I wish God would just call me home" may be really dark places for her. For me? Sometimes that's just another Monday night where I'm low on carbs and tired.

As everything else in this sub (and in life) ... you do you.

However, I do acknowledge that dealing with this sort of shit in a relationship is basically against principles of RP at a really core level. You are actively trying to determine what is being said and why and then basing your actions somewhat on something that or may not be an AWALT situation.

Grace to you and yours, man.

hystericalbonding · 2018-12-03T17:32:25+00:00

Am interested in thoughts about my thinking, questions about the situation, or any new ideas I haven't thought about.

"I'm planning to divorce her. This poorly kept secret and the fact that I'm not her oak is stressing my wife out. But I won't tell her because reasons. I refuse to share any relevant details on this sub. Advice please!"

I am considering making a couples appointment and breaking the news in the session

Advice? Stop being a spineless sack of shit.

helaughsinhidden · 2018-12-03T18:16:10+00:00

This kind of talk really bothers me and I have some thoughts and advice..... probably bad, but here it goes.

"my mind has being going to some dark places" and after I asked if she is thinking of hurting herself, she replied no but then added "but sometimes I wish God would just call me home"

Having known people who killed themselves, it's prudent to be genuinely concerned for anyone saying these things and to take notice. That said, I think this is totally a shitty comfort test. She was only looking to see if you noticed and what your reaction was. Your history of having no frame has made this kind of behavior not only permissible, but effective in changing your mind and getting you into her frame. This is probably a reflection of how your failure to properly lead for so long has ruined your marriage.

Real relationships are based on conversations not threats and it is ultimately not your responsibility to make another person decide to live or die. It's prudent to tell her that this kind of talk is unacceptable.

Not to stir the pot more, but in all honesty, if she loved you and really cared about your feelings she would know that hurting herself would only hurt those that love her. Not just the harm, but that the threat of self harm would cause you emotional pain, then anger, and ultimately resentment. Stay or go, this behavior should not be tolerated. I don't know about how you could actually leverage this in court, but she is the mother to your children and you should take exception to the notion that if she hurts or kills herself that she would be causing irreversible emotional trauma to your kids and it's your job to defend them and yourself against such manipulation even if she's only using it to cause undue stress, anxiety, and negative attention.

Couple phrases come to mind that I'd think about using.

"I can tell you are upset, but as a person that I've shared my life with and who is so important to the children I love, even saying this is extremely hurtful and unloving to all of us."
"A relationship is based off of love, never threats."
"I feel like this is not a good way to get my attention or to try to improve our communication."
"A lot of people care about you (maybe name them) but ultimately only you can make the choice and I can't stop you."

screechhater · 2018-12-03T20:25:01+00:00

Jesus

this wouldn't be an issue with a Mission, now would it ?

Can you actually tell me the name of the book in sidebar where we learn about not trying to fix others, or make shit better for them ?

20 fucking years, and you want to end it Have you tried to fix broken or fucking nuts for the past 20 ?

Tip- never fucking ask questions like this. It truly is not your responsibility, you are

An_Actual_Politician · 2018-12-03T16:53:06+00:00

Not qualified to render an informed opinion here regarding how to break the news to her, but first thing I thought was - can you use the threats of self harm to drive a better divorce settlement for you?

Is so, then however you break it to her make sure it's recorded/documented somehow.

If you're hesitant to play that card, this sub is littered with guys who started out pulling punches, trusting their STBXs, only to have it come back and bite them in the ass. False charges, alimony out the ass, or worse.

Don't pull any punches when it comes to protecting yourself and best of luck, man.

Countpudyoola · 2018-12-03T21:21:18+00:00

I have finally come to the decision that I am going to separate from my wife and end the marriage of 20+ years when the state-defined separation time is up.

Ok, great. Sounds like a plan.

Skip to:

just rip the band-aid off and tell her and let her deal with her own emotions.

Yes.

RedPillCoach · 2018-12-06T19:40:08+00:00

If you are done then you are done.

The key consideration for most men in making this decision is whether you have done enough to fix yourself (and by proxy the marriage) so that you can leave with your head high, knowing that you did everything that could have been expected of you.

Have you? If you can say "yes" with conviction then go forth- and sin no more. If you can't and have doubts, then it is worth at least exploring in your mind (or with a coach/therapist) what are your exact boundaries and whether those can be met in the marriage.

Some of the saddest conversations I have had are when a guy get's divorced and a year later he get's into a new relationship with the exact same issues- and he realizes it would have been easier to fix himself in the first place (and thereby fix his first marriage) than it would have been to destroy his family and start over with a new woman but the same old problems.

Title	Advice Request
Author	sixdownsevenup
Upvotes	2
Comments	24
Date	December 3, 2018 4:20 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/a2q4wq/advice_request/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/advice-request.203756 https://theredarchive.com/post/203756

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