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Exit procrastination...

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April 4, 2018
6 upvotes

I recently learned something while watching a business "podcast" that has super application to MRP, so I'm sharing it.

I'm an entrepreneur and one of the best "podcasts" for me is this one. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdTSGF4VBDHVSxDRz796j7Q

My favorite speaker on this channel is Dan Sullivan. I think Dan is a badass, especially given that he is 72 years old. He has a great lecture on procrastination. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k58vhnGcYQM

I love how he approaches procrastination. First off, everyone does it. Let's just get that out there ! Secondly it is primarily driven by fear. So the first step is to name those fears. That is a breath of fresh air. So then you deal with it by applying the 4 Cs - Commitment, Courage, Competence and Confidence.

So how does this apply to MRP ? Speaking for myself, I've spent a lot of time in bad relationships while procrastinating about leaving. I suspect that some of you do too. Especially if you've been married for a long time and the stakes are high. And when aren't the stakes high in divorce ?

So let's apply Dan's model to this situation.

First off, you'll know you are procrastinating about leaving a relationship when you frame it in your mind as you "should" leave. Essentially you know deep inside that the relationship isn't good for you and it is time to end it. Is that you ? Are you thinking these thoughts ? If so, you are procrastinating your exit.

I've done this so much I could write a book on it. I've lost years and years of quality life because I stayed in bad relationships. Not as bad as some of you, but bad for me nonetheless.

One of the things you realize when you get older is that all the things you think matter - money, what other people think of you, etc. really don't. The only thing that matters is time, because it is the only thing that is finite in life. Friends ? You can always make more and recycling friends is sometimes a very good thing to do anyway. Money ? Ditto and the struggle to make more money often gives way to personal growth. Assets ? Assets are things. They come and go. Don't live your life for things. Live your life for growth and maximize your happiness.

So next up comes fear. What are the things you fear in leaving. Make a list of them, no matter if you think they are logical or not.

I can't begin to explain the irrational fears that kept me in bad relationships. When I was young, even though I was attractive, educated, etc. I feared that no other woman would ever be interested in me or love me. Literally. I had this misconception that I was damaged goods, damaged beyond deserving another relationship. WTF ?

I also feared that the woman I was with was the best I would ever attain. This is an extension of oneitis at its worst. I feared that everything would be downhill if I left her, IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP SUCKED. WTF ? Can you see the faulty logic in this ?

There is also the fear of losing everything - kids, house, money, etc. Yes, you will lose half the marital assets. You'll also lose half the debt. You also might meet someone who has half her marital assets. In the end things are just things, they can be replaced.

Losing time with the kids is a real fear. I miss my kids when I am not with them. But guess what ? I also have more time for ME. Time to work on pet projects, time for hobbies, time for travel. Besides, were you spending more than 50% of your time with your kids while you were in the relationship ? Probably not. So you actually probably won't spend a lot less time with them and the time you do spend with them will be much higher quality.

So next we have courage. Courage is funny because "everyone" says to just do it, but yet a lot of people can't. What the "lack of courage" response is often masking is a lack of confidence and competence. Courage can certainly be an issue, but what often needs to happen is an increase in confidence and competence.

Competence is being able to do something.

Confidence is knowing that you can do something.

Courage is acting in spite of fear.

The more confident you are, the less fear you have and the easier it is to find the courage to do something.

How do you build competence and courage ? The RP process. It is as simple as that.

Most of the fears around post divorce relationships are due to a lack of abundance mentality. If I asked you "Would you leave her if I 100% guaranteed you would be in a better relationship with a better woman 1 year from now ?" what would you say ? You'd say yes. So what you need to do is work on your abundance mentality until you feel that you have a 100% chance of being in a better relationship with a better woman post divorce.

Another fear is that your quality of life and general happiness will decrease post divorce. So make a list of things you would need to be happy post divorce. Friends, money, work, house, hobbies, freedom, etc. Now sit down and plan how you are going to achieve those things post divorce. Where will you live ? Who will you hang our with ? What will you do in your spare time ?

Exiting a relationship grants one a tremendous amount of FREEDOM. And if I gave you freedom, you'd be able to find happiness, right ? Because as RP men, we live for ourselves and answer to nobody, right ?

As for the rest of what is holding you back, pick away at it. The more you work on things the more competent you become. And the more competent you become the more confident you are the easier the process becomes and the less courage you need. So pick away at it.

Meet with a lawyer and figure out what your exposure is re kids and finances. Build up your "Fuck it" fund. Build up your abundance mentality so you won't fear being alone after the separation.

I hope this helps some of you that are dealing with exit procrastination. First of all, know when you are doing it, the key indicator being the presence of the "should" message in your mind. Then list out your fears, no matter how irrational they might be. I dare you to confide these in a friend. Then work on your competence and confidence to lessen your fears until you muster up the courage to deal with the situation and finally pull the pin.

I know that this group is ruthless with victim puke, but people need to be vulnerable to express their fears. And the expression of fear generally exposes shame because to be fearful is the admittance of weakness. And as soon as anyone expresses weakness here, 47 people jump down their throats to life and sidebar.

But the expression of that fear is the first step to dealing with procrastination and that act and the process that follows is so liberating. I'd love to see a thread where people could express their fears in a non judgemental atmosphere, because I think it would help a lot of men here.

I'd share some of my first hand experiences but some asshats people would accuse me of seeking validation or humble bragging.


Post Information
Title Exit procrastination...
Author ImSteveMcQueen
Upvotes 6
Comments 36
Date 04 April 2018 03:46 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204658
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/89qmi5/exit_procrastination/
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Comments

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy

I was going to post a response to this but I'll do it tomorrow.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Dude, make some friends to talk to.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Why does this read like a pep talk you're giving yourself?

If I recall, your issues were you kicking the can down the road, making the same mistakes over and over. Help me out, show me here where you addressed that over the last year?

Also, read it again. WTF is with this 'well I don't want you guys to think I'm a braggart!'

When you say shit in the comments like you don't give a fuck what people think, it doesn't jive with when you pat yourself on the back for avoiding hearing what people think, for no functional reason

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

WNS called it in the MMSLP thread, it’s his own solipsism. I barely see any change in him in attitude, other than he got divorced.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (24 children) | Copy

Steve this is the first post you have made where I really want to tell you to piss off. Piss off.

EDIT: This is NOT the first post where I told you to piss off. Over a year ago, you wanted everyone to play nice and consider feelz. Piss off AGAIN.

Learning how to admit weakness is a strength and the 47 people dumping on you, are trying to help you save yourself. Dumbass.

Think about it and come back another day.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

He won’t learn. Like i told him.

Some men learn lessons others are the lesson

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Some men learn lessons others are the lesson

Well said. I think I've spent a fair amount of time being the lesson. Guess that's why we even try.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Reminds me of a old poker aphorism, if you can't spot the sucker after twenty minutes at the table, you are the sucker.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Probably why I shouldn't play poker anymore.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret2 points3 points  (14 children) | Copy

This thread, over a year ago is where I gave up

Ole Saint FT has that OG patience.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Ole Saint FT, says no soup toys for you.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for the link. I had forgotten about UEM's post about OP. I need to correct my original comment here. Can't believe I forgot that. Probably Oldtimers.

CORRECTION DONE

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (11 children) | Copy

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (10 children) | Copy

Thanks for that link.

Is Steve a woman troll? Persistent too. Maybe mods need to require a picture.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (9 children) | Copy

Women trolls are easy, they always fuck up when they try to brag, they just don't know how to do it properly.

As for steve... I don't know what a 2x4 of love would be in this situation. a ban isn't helpful, and he is trying...

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

a ban isn't helpful, and he is trying...

IDK. In this case I trust the judgement of our hard working and long suffering mods.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

I don't have one, which is why I'm asking.

I mean, clearly he's running from problems instead of fixing them

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I like u/reddjive idea. OP is the lesson. There have been others like Vamp. If he gets it, that's great. If he doesn't we still gain.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

OP is always the lesson.

there are very few teachers here, many, many test tubes

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

He's going through a divorce and trying to put his life back together. Fuck it, I was a mess when I went through my divorce. If there is a chance he can save himself from all that all over again, I'll play. If he gets even part of it, he and everyone around him will be better off. Yeah, I'm in.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

I was the senior lieutenant in my company. The Company XO. Best job ever really. We got a new Warrant officer. Senior guy. Presumably been there done that. Me and Top met with him and I showed him around.

Up came Phillips. Our most pathetic soldier. Dude had issues in top of issues, the least of which was his old lady (the definition of a dependapotmus) was always calling up the chain of command when poor little Phillips had to work late or go to the field.

Any how Phillips comes running over the chief. Oh lord here we go. blah blah blah. Any way, later that day Chief comes into my office says he wants phillips as his driver. I explained to chief why phillips was on the duty he was on. Didn'tphase chief. He was all about trying to help young troops. gave me some sob story of his own.

Ok fine. I made sure chief had seen phillip's personal records. Made sure Top knew. "Fine. It's chiefs problem now" that was all top said.

couple weeks go by. phillips is "working" hard. Being a good little troopy taking care of chiefs hummvee, equipment. All the things a driver is supposed to do. Still. I knew it wouldn't last.

Field exercise was going up. we all show up at 0300 for first formation and roll out. We walk into the motor pool sure as fuck Chiefs truck is in pieces laid out all neat and orderly like a crime scene. Phillips is there happy int he mess. He comes running over with a alternator. He says "Chief i am sorry. I was working on the truck last night making sure it was safe for you. but I can't let you ride in this. It's in bad shape."

As I said.....

You can work on improvement or you can believe your own bullshit.

Can't do both.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Too bad. My buddy was a huge shitbag. When they gave him the extra responsibility and the advanced promotion it straightened him out.

I guess I assumed your story was going in that direction. I guess I'm the WO here

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I got those stories too. Take it however you want. I was just telling a story.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I spent some time in juvy. (got out) at 17. Got out and coach made me team captain, went to state that year. Might have won if they left me in juvy.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] -5 points-4 points  (4 children) | Copy

LIGAF what you think. :shrugs:

This isn't about me. I'm not the one procrastinating leaving a relationship. I conquered that fear. A few times in fact.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

You started off pretty good. I kept reading.....

But the expression of that fear is the first step to dealing with procrastination and that act and the process that follows is so liberating.

Here we agree.

I'd love to see a thread where people could express their fears in a non judgemental atmosphere, because I think it would help a lot of men here.

What would be the point? What would lost men gain from this? Here, have a cookie.

I'd share some of my first hand experiences but some asshats people would accuse me of seeking validation or humble bragging.

You didn't get it......yet. If you get coming back, one of these asshats will. eventually break through.

[–]mrpthrowa1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'd love to see a thread where people could express their fears in a non judgemental atmosphere, because I think it would help a lot of men here.

Jesus he suggested this? a victim puke safe space?

This bullshit is such a modern feminist construct.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

a victim puke safe space

There's another group I've heard of that is against hate speech that he might like. But they can be kind of a snarky bunch themselves.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

No, you don't get it.

First, this isn't about me.

Second, I'm sure that some of the guys on here have fears related to killing the puppy. And as Dan Sullivan said, part of the process of dealing with the procrastination is to air and discuss those fears. In fact, it is the first step. It is like benchmarking when you start lifting. Of course you are weak. But it is the first step. And from there you start dealing with the situation. It is like the starting point of OYS.

Only some of these fears are subconscious and sometimes they are illogical and sometimes the guys don't know how to deal with them. What these guys need is a place to air this stuff and deal with it. But instead these guys know that some of the asshats on this site are going to jump on them - STFU, lift and sidebar. Which is the answer to everything here of course, but then why have the forum at all ?

But whatever. I'm not losing any sleep over this forum and I'm beyond procrastinating about leaving a relationship.

[–]hystericalbonding0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

it is primarily driven by fear. So the first step is to name those fears. That is a breath of fresh air. So then you deal with it by applying the 4 Cs - Commitment, Courage, Competence and Confidence

When fear is the issue, I agree with your post. There are some exceptions.

Lack of commitment isn't necessarily based on fear.

Consider the common attribution of "fear of commitment" leveled against men who don't want to marry or those who like to change jobs frequently. Fear may be the issue for some, but for many it's not driven by fear. Other people try to shame a guy into committing, try to induce fear, but additional commitment to that person/thing/job may be something that doesn't add value to his life at that time.

I sometimes procrastinate because I just don't give a fuck about the thing that's been asked of me. Since finding MRP, I more consistently take that as a cue to stop doing that thing that doesn't matter to me.

Edit:

Regarding exit from marriage, it pays to be rational. First, many guys blame their unhappiness on the wife or the marriage contract, when the fault is truly their own. When they get their shit together, they see the marriage as a net benefit. Others like /u/stacysmomlovesme choose to remain married partly for childcare reasons, mitigating the impact of sub-par parenting from the wife that would go unchecked after divorce.

OYS is useful to tease these things apart. Eventually you can decide when to next your wife.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

While true, I also enjoy a calm peaceful home. When you have children that means they thrive with a mother there with them. I also like danger and play and like every fucking generation of men before the last few, I also have this.

The children are irreplacable. The women are all the same so treat like adopted daughters.

Have that attitude and women will put up with anything to keep you. No need to discuss it either. Use the hamster, its there for a reason.

I am mulling a post regarding this.

Befriend the Hamster.

[–]hystericalbonding0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yep, my wife rationalized all the bad things I've done for me. I didn't need to DEER.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] -2 points-1 points  (1 child) | Copy

The women are all the same so treat like adopted daughters.

Women share some general behaviours, thus we say, AWALT. Like that = those general behaviours.

Women are not "all the same" in that they are equal. They are not equal. In fact women's quality varies hugely from one to the next. They may all share some common behaviours but they are not all the same.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You missed the point completely. Almost as if you tried hard to read words literally

Treat all women as if they are replaceable i.e. "the same" and you establish that you are the prize.

[–]2235520 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I found this post useful, however, I am not at an exit. I think its one of those post, where if you need this info, then you are not grown enough and likely to repeat your mistakes, if you are ready for an exit, you have worked on your weakness and this post is of no use.

[–]Seangar-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Saved, I'll read it later.



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