I recently learned something while watching a business "podcast" that has super application to MRP, so I'm sharing it.
I'm an entrepreneur and one of the best "podcasts" for me is this one. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdTSGF4VBDHVSxDRz796j7Q
My favorite speaker on this channel is Dan Sullivan. I think Dan is a badass, especially given that he is 72 years old. He has a great lecture on procrastination. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k58vhnGcYQM
I love how he approaches procrastination. First off, everyone does it. Let's just get that out there ! Secondly it is primarily driven by fear. So the first step is to name those fears. That is a breath of fresh air. So then you deal with it by applying the 4 Cs - Commitment, Courage, Competence and Confidence.
So how does this apply to MRP ? Speaking for myself, I've spent a lot of time in bad relationships while procrastinating about leaving. I suspect that some of you do too. Especially if you've been married for a long time and the stakes are high. And when aren't the stakes high in divorce ?
So let's apply Dan's model to this situation.
First off, you'll know you are procrastinating about leaving a relationship when you frame it in your mind as you "should" leave. Essentially you know deep inside that the relationship isn't good for you and it is time to end it. Is that you ? Are you thinking these thoughts ? If so, you are procrastinating your exit.
I've done this so much I could write a book on it. I've lost years and years of quality life because I stayed in bad relationships. Not as bad as some of you, but bad for me nonetheless.
One of the things you realize when you get older is that all the things you think matter - money, what other people think of you, etc. really don't. The only thing that matters is time, because it is the only thing that is finite in life. Friends ? You can always make more and recycling friends is sometimes a very good thing to do anyway. Money ? Ditto and the struggle to make more money often gives way to personal growth. Assets ? Assets are things. They come and go. Don't live your life for things. Live your life for growth and maximize your happiness.
So next up comes fear. What are the things you fear in leaving. Make a list of them, no matter if you think they are logical or not.
I can't begin to explain the irrational fears that kept me in bad relationships. When I was young, even though I was attractive, educated, etc. I feared that no other woman would ever be interested in me or love me. Literally. I had this misconception that I was damaged goods, damaged beyond deserving another relationship. WTF ?
I also feared that the woman I was with was the best I would ever attain. This is an extension of oneitis at its worst. I feared that everything would be downhill if I left her, IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP SUCKED. WTF ? Can you see the faulty logic in this ?
There is also the fear of losing everything - kids, house, money, etc. Yes, you will lose half the marital assets. You'll also lose half the debt. You also might meet someone who has half her marital assets. In the end things are just things, they can be replaced.
Losing time with the kids is a real fear. I miss my kids when I am not with them. But guess what ? I also have more time for ME. Time to work on pet projects, time for hobbies, time for travel. Besides, were you spending more than 50% of your time with your kids while you were in the relationship ? Probably not. So you actually probably won't spend a lot less time with them and the time you do spend with them will be much higher quality.
So next we have courage. Courage is funny because "everyone" says to just do it, but yet a lot of people can't. What the "lack of courage" response is often masking is a lack of confidence and competence. Courage can certainly be an issue, but what often needs to happen is an increase in confidence and competence.
Competence is being able to do something.
Confidence is knowing that you can do something.
Courage is acting in spite of fear.
The more confident you are, the less fear you have and the easier it is to find the courage to do something.
How do you build competence and courage ? The RP process. It is as simple as that.
Most of the fears around post divorce relationships are due to a lack of abundance mentality. If I asked you "Would you leave her if I 100% guaranteed you would be in a better relationship with a better woman 1 year from now ?" what would you say ? You'd say yes. So what you need to do is work on your abundance mentality until you feel that you have a 100% chance of being in a better relationship with a better woman post divorce.
Another fear is that your quality of life and general happiness will decrease post divorce. So make a list of things you would need to be happy post divorce. Friends, money, work, house, hobbies, freedom, etc. Now sit down and plan how you are going to achieve those things post divorce. Where will you live ? Who will you hang our with ? What will you do in your spare time ?
Exiting a relationship grants one a tremendous amount of FREEDOM. And if I gave you freedom, you'd be able to find happiness, right ? Because as RP men, we live for ourselves and answer to nobody, right ?
As for the rest of what is holding you back, pick away at it. The more you work on things the more competent you become. And the more competent you become the more confident you are the easier the process becomes and the less courage you need. So pick away at it.
Meet with a lawyer and figure out what your exposure is re kids and finances. Build up your "Fuck it" fund. Build up your abundance mentality so you won't fear being alone after the separation.
I hope this helps some of you that are dealing with exit procrastination. First of all, know when you are doing it, the key indicator being the presence of the "should" message in your mind. Then list out your fears, no matter how irrational they might be. I dare you to confide these in a friend. Then work on your competence and confidence to lessen your fears until you muster up the courage to deal with the situation and finally pull the pin.
I know that this group is ruthless with victim puke, but people need to be vulnerable to express their fears. And the expression of fear generally exposes shame because to be fearful is the admittance of weakness. And as soon as anyone expresses weakness here, 47 people jump down their throats to life and sidebar.
But the expression of that fear is the first step to dealing with procrastination and that act and the process that follows is so liberating. I'd love to see a thread where people could express their fears in a non judgemental atmosphere, because I think it would help a lot of men here.
I'd share some of my first hand experiences but some
asshats people would accuse me of seeking validation or humble bragging.