I was just reading over my victim puke over on /r/Deadbedrooms, the terrible advice given over there and then comparing me from then, to me from now. The changes are stark so I thought I'd document the learnings in a more comprehensive and consolidated format. If the mods find this objectionable, fair enough.
32 years old, 6'0 tall, 190 lbs. Right now I'm at the end of a bulking cycle but am going to train for a half marathon as I embark on an 8 week cut. I expect I'll get that down to about 180. I've put on a substantial amount of muscle since I started lifting, most prominently in the chest, shoulders and arms.
Lift stats: BP = 205lbs, Squat = 325lbs, DL = 315 lbs, BoR = 170lbs, OHP = 135lbs (I know, I know). Started doing pull ups for the first time, up to 11 with eyes on 25 as my current goal. Bicep curls at 45lbs.
Readings done: Sidebar of MRP/TRP, Book of Pook, NMMMG, TRM, MMSLP, listened to BPPs podcasts, had a lot of really important early conversation with /u/Red-Curious on PM's
Operating at somewhere between DL 5 and 6 (consistently at 5 with spikes of 6)
In short, I was a fat fuck who thought he was masculine because he had decent cardio but managed to completely neglect his own body aside from that and completely ignore my wife's desires at all. I'd basically had 2 years of near deadbedroom status and was on the verge of just ending it rather than face going back to have to pester my wife for one more night of really unenthusiastic starfish sex.
Ive started a new job that takes me travelling a lot, and will keep doing so for the year. This keeps windows for sex relatively short (2-4 weeks at a time) but I'm consistently having more sex in a week, sometimes a day, than I did in that 2 year period - with the sex being far more enthusiastic and enjoyable for us both.
I have a mission, goals, higher career aspirations, a better relationship with other people in my family and with work colleagues. All thanks to MRP.
It's important that I point out that there isnt anything I'm about to write that hasn't been written before on these boards, in the sidebar or in the required readings. What I will be doing is relating these things to my own situation and explaining my own mini-epiphanies along the way.
- My wife isn't different or special. She is a normal woman. (MMSLP)
Like most guys on here, the anger phase came at me hard. I'd been lifting before I ever found MRP but after reading /u/Red-Curious guide on what is essentially 'kino for dummies' I was able to get some pretty quick results. I, naively, thought that getting sex would make me happy. The manner of getting it ended up making me angry and almost nauseous. Every day I'd take frustration out on the gym, stewing in the disgust of my new found knowledge. How could my wife be just like some club slut? Is she only with me because I got there first? Is it just a matter of time until her head gets turned by some random gym rat?
Well - its not her fault. AWALT. This wasn't something she did to me, this was something I'd done to myself by putting her on a pedestal. That knowledge is really liberating. I found myself realising that I didn't need to try so hard to try and please her or prove myself to her in some way. All I had to do was be the best version of me and try to have some fun with her.
A residual effect of this is finding other attractive women to be far less intimidating. Flirting with just about anyone comes far more easily to me these days
- Lifting is a pre-requisite. It is not, in itself, enough
You know what the call a beta with good muscle mass? A beta.
As soon as I'd achieved some newb gains I started getting the compliments. If you have any gay friends they can usually be relied upon to let you know when you are looking good first - other women soon followed. That didn't really translate to attention from my wife, let alone sex, until I'd made other changes.
Lift for you. Lift because its good for your health and good for your confidence. It is not the silver bullet.
- Fixing her feelz is the most important thing (sidebar)
So you've got your muscles, mission, assertiveness and dread. All good right? Not even close.
The hardest part of the process for me (so far) was translating self improvement into the happy, fulfilling sex life that I always wanted. Being a better me opened the door to that but it did not take me through it. I'd always compartmentalised different parts of our relationship and not really paid enough attention to what generated real desire in her. This is why the kino for dummies post got me started so well. A little grope here, a ten second kiss there. I had to learn to make her feel desired all the time before she became truly receptive to having sex with me. I'd never really thought of myself as selfish in the relationship before but I guess I was. Me doing all the choreplay, bringing gifts and flowers etc never really made her feel wanted and I'd never once stopped to work out why.
Once I'd made her feel desired she started to feel free to reciprocate. Now she's kino'ing me all the time, dropping into the bathroom as I shower to give me impromptu oral etc. We are also able to openly communicate about our needs and desires (which I think I must have glossed over because only TFA's create your slut really covered this from what I've read).
- I was always far too passive - in everything (NMMMG)
At 32 its embarrassing to admit that you know practically nothing about how anything in society really works. I'd basically gone through life like a feminist, toiling away and expecting that things be handed to me as my just rewards. That isnt true in my marriage, in my career, in my hobbies or in fact any thing at all. Covert contracts are absolute poison. You have to be willing to advocate for yourself, put yourself first and really go after what you want. This I didn't really learn from TRP but from the workplace where some advice on payrises and promotions essentially came down to coldly calculating what you are worth (aka make yourself the prize) and making a strong case to overcome any resistance.
- I hadn't done everything wrong
It's tempting to throw everything out when you realise how much of a bitch you are. Don't do it. There is a reason they tell you not to go Rambo like some spergy asscrack of a man. Over time I've realised that what MRP is really about is remedying my deficiencies and enhancing the strengths to increase my value - I'm not making a new person entirely. People have always found me funny. Why would I throw that away? I've always had athletic talent. That doesn't mean I stop cycling or running or playing sports and just spend every day in the Iron Temple. I'm intelligent and respected in my industry. I should combine that with assertiveness to increase my presence and overall worth. The tools and potential I needed were everywhere around me. I just needed the instructions to tell me how to use them.
I was going to do a section on the future but this is too long and that can probably be covered in OYS anyway.