TL;DR: wife has issues, can't stop herself from weaponizing sex even past DL 10, going to have to end this shitshow in 3 weeks. Any advice for what to do until then?
20+ years relationship, 2 kids, read all the sidebar plus extra stuff, lifting, shit tests are effortless now etc.
I've been implementing MRP stuff for 2 years. Great results. Came from DB, sex is now 2-3 / week and much better, when things are okay. But this is mixed with regular episodes of hardcore ice queening, indignation overdose, cold wars and weaponized sex.
The thing is that we've been playing this "look how you made me feel" passive aggressive ice queen routine for years. She suffers from low self esteem and her way of dealing with conflict is that she cranks up her self-victimization to 11. She can go full ice queen for days, even weeks.
This comment by /u/jacktenofhearts is an eerily close description of this shitty dynamic.
It's a childhood thing, and I'm guilty of reinforcing this behavior for almost 2 decades. But it's been 2 years since I stopped doing that, she's been on therapy for the same time and she's still doing the same shit.
The pattern is this:
- Things go well.
- Something makes her feel bad. It can be anything from saying sth, not saying sth, NGAF, taking her on a surprise trip abroad (!!!) etc.
- She goes full ice queen, complete with silent treatment, crying, laughing at me when I initiate with lines like "you didn't think you'd get sex after this, did you"? Past 2 years, I deal with this with NGAF and she always blinked first, I haven't apologized for anything. Kept myself busy.
Almost from the RP get go she understood that if she keeps withholding sex, the marriage is over. She said this out loud and I neither confirmed, nor denied in words, but she knows. She can't resist weaponizing sex anyhow. Last time after "Cold War VI (?)" and 10 rejections in a row I went to the lawyer and in fact gave her the fuck me or fuck you speech complete with paperwork. (To my wife, not to the lawyer.)
Right after that, sex was back for a couple of days, but now ironically (?) the divorce talk became her source of indignation ("how could you talk to lawyers, that's not what normal people do! I thought you were trying to fix this!").
I've head enough of this bullshit. There was plenty of progress, the post MRP part of my marriage was the best and honestly only worthwhile married time together. Lots of fun and adventures, decent amount of sex. Except for her ice queen episodes which she can't stop doing.
It's literally like a fucking addiction. I'm not even sure if it's fixable and how many years of therapy would that take.
Few days ago she took sex off the table again, asked for "more time to think" because she's "having her doubts about the relationship". Wants to wait until her upcoming appointment with her therapist and I said sure. (Yeah, yeah, you'll say she's preparing a branch swing. Whatever. I'll high five Chad for ending this for me if this is the case.) I still do like her a lot, she's otherwise a decent woman, but her issues have been cock blocking me for too long and show no signs of retreat after 2 years of therapy and MRP.
This nominal deadline is in 3 weeks. The question is what should my approach be during this time. Is there any magical last minute thing I can try?
Past this agreement, I've been friendly to her, still joking, teasing, but held off of on initiation for a few days. She's not hostile by far -- in fact, I think she's enjoying it -- but still sleeps in a separate bedroom.
I'm pissed at myself for wasting so much time, but honestly I'm also thankful because if I needed this dumpster fire of a marriage to find and implement MRP and I wouldn't be ready for what comes after divorce.
p.s.: it occurred to me that she wants me to kill the puppy, but she could have just signed when I gave her the papers before.