I'm a butch lesbian in my late 20s, married for four years this winter to my wife. I really mean I am a butch; think a younger Alison Bechdel or Rachel Maddow, the hot MSNBC host. I feel I can still get a lot out of RP; a lot of aspects of masculinity appeal to me, and I enjoy and work better under masculine expectations- I like being the breadwinner, like recently when I have started to make twice the money my wife does, like feeling physically strong, and don't even necessarily think of myself as a woman.

My wife is two years older, had more real life experiences when we met (we married when I was in grad school), and is bisexual. I'm not worried about "de-womaning" myself and losing the attraction for me, then. I have not been a leader in our lives so far. I had an eating disorder when we were dating, and I am legitimately terrible at math (still am, but am willing to learn, and work around what I suspect is a learning disability). So, she took the lead in our lives from the start- I needed someone to help with how to manage my finances and keep us afloat while I dealt with my shit.

Sex started out pretty good, and we definitely showed love and attraction while dating and in early marriage. But ever since I was unemployed for a year while trying to pass my licensing exam and looking for work after graduation, she didn't seem to love or value me the same way. Sex dropped off slowly, and there was always some excuse, it's too hot, I'm tired, I'm on my period (because it's two vaginas and she won't do it when I'm on, either, this can block us for up to half the month). She also started withholding whenever I annoyed her, and did some choreplay. I should not have submitted to it, but I did- she has been assaulted before and I didn't want to be like that jerk. She also started fighting with me more and speaking to me coldly or yelling. Having no money of my own, since we were so broke I could not afford the $3/month or so to keep my own bank account open, I just acted beta. Either didn't engage and let her blow it off, or apologized. Figured that or starve.

Second time with the licensing exam, I passed! Immediately got okay-paying job, made $28,000 in seven months after making nothing the previous year. Still not much sex, and a lot of the aforementioned criticism and coldness. Then, this past 12 months, she got two horrific leg injuries. All right, that sucks, I can work more and provide for you while you're out and not ask for sex if you're hurting. She was even okay with me seeing someone on the side for sex!

But here's the thing...I'd much rather have it with her, and be treated with the kindness she initially showed me. She's mostly better now, and I recently got into a much better-paid sector of my work because I am bilingual. But still no sex, only slightly more kindness, and we budgeted out I get 10% of net pay for whatever I want. Had one lively, great, active session of it in January after she felt better from the first leg injury, and then a couple of times of less-involved sexual acts (not describing specifics to people who probably view lesbian porn!) before she got injured for the second time this year in May.

But she told me recently that it's not all down to her injuries; she isn't attracted to me when I act anxious or don't ever "play the heavy" (take leadership?) It's hard for me to lead, but I read all the questions in this sub about how to apply ideas from RP to female/female relationships, and have started exploring my local BDSM/kink scene. And I am realizing that I am valuable. That I can find a lot of people willing to sex me. So I am already standing up straighter, prioritizing my own interests more, and embarking on a plan to make me more fit and a more valuable partner in attraction and financial ways.

Unfortunately, I can't leave, though. I have an autoimmune problem that can turn life-threatening on a dime and, though it does not affect my daily health if medicated, requires $200/month, minimum, on a 90/10 insurance plan through my wife's work, of medication to keep from debilitating me to the point I can't work, or killing me. 'Merica! My job does not offer health insurance and it's very hard to get a position in my field that would have insurance that would cover my problem to the level where I can afford to live and also treat it. Even at $70,000 a year, with COL and student loans, I obviously can't afford the sort of expensive market plan that I could get on my own, nor the medicine at the "uninsured" rate.

So, my goal is to, while exploring if I can get great insurance on my own SOMEHOW, get more respect and affection and generally make my life with my wife easier if I should end up "stuck" due to my health. Sigh. At least I can have a side piece.

With that in mind, I guess I just want to ask; how do you apply the other RP ideas, without a man? And how do you get more confidence and not worry that your leadership or planning might be a wrong decision for your family?