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How to reward?

Reddit View
June 12, 2017
6 upvotes

Making progress on myself. Lifting 4 times a week. Working with trainer. Running 3-5 times a week. Dressing better. Improving frame to be a rock. Handling stuff around the house. Still a long way to go...

Wife is stepping up her game. She's spending lots of time with me cuddling, hugging, lots of good quality sex (not freaky but fun) and she told me she went shopping for something to wear for Father's day. That's huge progress since just 2 months ago, sex was horrid duty sex where she felt used.

My question is how to I reward this behavior properly? Any suggestions from guys further along the path?


Post Information
Title How to reward?
Author chachaChad
Upvotes 6
Comments 19
Date 12 June 2017 03:20 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206020
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6gsv3u/how_to_reward/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
frameliftgame
Comments

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy

Don't take your foot off the gas.

She's not going out of her way to be nice, she's reacting to the better man you are becoming.

It sounds like you want to reward her for no longer generally treating you like shit, not for some specific event that would actually merit a reward. All of what you listed isn't special, it's normal- if you are a valuable man.

[–]chachaChad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

YUP! RIGHT! THANKS!

She wasn't treating me like shit because she wanted to. She was treating me like shit because I was behaving like shit. All my fault!

Thanks for the reminder.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Covertly with time and attention. Overtly with honest feedback:

"Huh, you know, I like it when you're being all cuddly."

"Damn you looked fine in that lace last night. You should experiment like that more often (wink)."

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

This is a delicate balance. My wife has been working really hard on something I asked her to do. I rewarded her with appreciation, time and attention. Now, she wants me to just sit on the couch and keep giving her the validation. Had to kill that this weekend. Got shit to do. You've been rewarded. It's over. Moving on.
 
Edit: Proof this works. Got home from work last night, she had appetizers on the counter, cooking dinner, "I've been thinking about you all day", kids in bed, lingerie, smash town. Didn't have to listen to her or give any attention. She got her reward and now we are back on track. Just reminded her with a little absence that I am not a fountain of validation.

[–]chachaChad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks. She doesn't need that kind of validation but I'll be sure to watch out for that.

[–]thewholefnshow5471 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I am of the opinion, rarely to never reward. Unless there is above and beyond the call of duty. Seems to me like she should have been behaving like this the whole time. Do you celebrate when you press the power button on your TV and it turns on? Now if you press the power button and hardcore porn comes on, yes that is cause for celebration! Don't reward her for behaving how you expect her to behave on a daily basis.

You are trying to foster a chase mentality. Giving her a treat may give her the idea that she is still the prize. You don't want that. Only once the Red Pill is cemented as you and you wife's way of life would I even consider a reward.

As SlowRide said, Don't take your foot off the gas. You got her on the hook, don't get silly and start to pedestalize her.

[–]chachaChad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Great advise. I did notice that once the sex started coming back that I was totally falling into the "aren't all women wonderful" frame. I was able to catch myself and stay strong and not slide right back into beta bux land. Thanks for the encouragement.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Honestly, she's just getting back to acceptable behavior. Nothing to reward. It's great for you, because you're not used to being a valued person. Lack of abundance will do that to a guy.

If you reward her for sex with stuff, what are you doing in actuality? Is she a whore?

Be pleasant. Say thank you. Make her life easier if you want to. Demonstrate your ability to lead and reward her with your security and trust.

Just remember to be the prize and not the provider.

[–]chachaChad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

.

Spot on. Thank you! No, she is not a whore and you're exactly right.

[–]redandswollen1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

One thing that hurt me was taking my wife's progress for granted and treating her like she's not doing enough. So she'd be nice, pleasant, sexy etc and I'd think "Well, she's not offering threesomes and packing sandwiches daily." So I'd get butthurt and bitchy.

So make sure you're mindful of the improvements that your lady is making. You know what she enjoys, so take time and effort into giving her gifts of time and attention. For example, I hate beach vacations but the wife loves them. Lately, she's been uncommonly good so I booked a trip for us. Uncommon acts from her deserve uncommon acts from me, at least in my mind.

The flip side is that negative reinforcement rarely works well for me. Punishing her for bitchy, disrespectful attitudes only get more bad behavior from her. So when she's a bitch, I take the affection down to a neutral stance. Neither good nor bad and wait for whatever mood she's having to pass.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

[–]Tebulus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That was a good fr.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Rewarding her new normal (which isn't above and beyond expected) just tells her where her minimum effort level lives. She should always be striving to keep up with your rocket ship of awesomeness.

[–]chachaChad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Got it.

I've been in therapy for 10 months and studying Red Pill for about 2. Lifting for 1. I'm making progress on myself and I like it. I am never, ever going back no matter what.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Read the sidebar.

You, the Masculine, unshakeable man, is the reward.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

She wants your time, attention, and validation. Those are rewards.

Reward her when you see what you want to see more of.

Ignore her when you see what you don't like.

It's been 2.5 months.

Your shit good?

[–]chachaChad[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I fucked up father's day. She was screaming at me for my driving and held together for a little while but eventually broke frame after too much screaming. Ending up having screaming match in the hotel room for everyone on the floor to hear for an hour. Kids could hear outside the room. We sort of worked through it but I acted out and got drunk at the event we went to which fucked up the sex she had planned for that night. Fucking backslid huge... but just fucking picked myself up and trudged onward...

We have a our good days and bad but I see progress on myself.

  • Wife doesn't talk to me like a child anymore.
  • I am being more responsible around the house.
  • My frame is tougher.
  • I speak to wife with more respect and without so much anger.
  • Child speaks to wife with more respect.
  • Child's behavior has improved.
  • Wife and I sit for coffee every morning. Even got a handjob one morning. She almost never gives handjobs.
  • Wife and I are able to work through uncomfortable conversations better without disconnecting and walking away mad.
  • I am not as fragile as I was.
  • The sex has improved and become more frequent.
  • I no longer use porn and masturbation to calm myself. Still whack off for release sometimes when physically need release.
  • The bed gets made every day (because I make it)
  • I don't think I've been acting out as much.
  • I haven't been seeking external validation by flirting with women.
  • I am not having bad dreams that wake me at night where she is leaving me.
  • I am much calmer.
  • I am able to control my emotions and not break down and cry all the time.

Next, I need to work on building an outside life. That's pretty tough.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Dude, lighten up on yourself.

Awesome FR.

I've seen men bounce in here not that far along after YEARS of this shit.

You are driven, you haven't quit, and the course looks good.

Do NOT forsake the sidebar.

Keep going back to it.

How much of it could you outline right now from the WIKI, beginner tabs, prerequisites and 101 shit?

Plan to work through it 5-7 times.

Your biggest problem with the wife is YOU.

Keep fixing YOU.

The matrix(gynocracy) is about the enslavement of our MINDS.

That's why deprogramming is so HARD.

Stay after it.

[–]chachaChad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks man. I'm working hard with reading and audio books and therapy.

Still having a hard time with anger towards the wife. Of course, when I'm angry towards her she can easily tell and doesn't want to be near my. Anger is hard one for me to break. I've been angry all my life and it's my major flaw.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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