Dealing with Anxiety (Hers)

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March 8, 2017

I’m still new to all this (3 weeks in or so), but I wanted to get some specific advice for one area I’ve been struggling with:

I’m 47, me and the wife have 3 kids, twins aged 5, and 2 year old. We have a good family life (I do 50%+ of the kids/home duties). We also generally get along well, and have fun together on dates (once a week or so). The problem is, obviously, sex.

Our youngest was a surprise, after she found out she got very depressed and went on anti-anxiety/depression meds. Ever since then our sex life has been non-existent (about 7 times in 3 years).

One of the biggest issues is her anxiety (despite the meds), and how I deal with that. Over the past few years, any time I initiate sex her anxiety sets in. The problem is that it comes out very mean and nasty, directed at me. Things like “how dare you expect to have sex after the crazy day we had”, or “do you expect me to just turn it on just like that?”. There’s even been a few times she’s initiated it, but then put a stop to it before things got started for some crazy reason (e.g. she once got mad that I jumped out of bed and approached her too quickly when she initiated it, while she was standing naked in the doorway). The lash-out is different every time, but it always results in no sex.

We’ve recently gone to a sex therapist, who gave us these exercises. Basically we take turns touching each other. There’s different phases, the first phase in basically just a massaged, 2nd phase is some genital touching, 3rd phase is some type of penetration.

We’re having the same issue for the exercises (we've only done a few phase 1 things). Whenever I try to initiate doing one, she gets anxiety and lashes out (I’m being to clinical about it, or whatever), and then we don't proceed. She always apologizes about it the next day (“It was just the anxiety talking”).

Lately, she has been identifying her anxiety during an episode, and wanted me to help her through the anxiety. I’m really struggling with how to do that, especially when I’m getting attacked in the middle of it.

My question is: Should I treat this all like a shit test? Or is there a compassionate angle, given that her anxiety is not her true self, and I need to figure out how to get her out of that in those moments? She clearly has no interest in sex (partly because of the meds, partly because I’m an out of shape beta POS), and she’s feeling guilty about that.

As someone that tended towards Beta when we met, and get deeper in Beta as kids came along, I know I need to own and fix my shit, which I’ve started doing (lifting, reading sidebar and prereq books, etc). But the specific area of how to handle her anxiety has me puzzled.

Post Information
Title Dealing with Anxiety (Hers)
Author capn_barnacles
Upvotes 6
Comments 22
Date 08 March 2017 08:31 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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betashit testlift

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

My gf has tons of anxiety, but hers usually involves pacing around and lashing out at me at random. I'll share what's worked for me and hopefully it can help you as well.

First and foremost, you need to be her rock. Women are constantly bombarded by a storm of emotions. The emotions have control over them and they actually don't enjoy it. Most women know they are irrational, a little crazy, bitchy, whatever. What they want is a man who is able to live his life completely unphased by her emotional storms. That means you don't take it personal, and you continue on as the calm, cool and calculated badass rock that you are. Her words and attitude can have no effect on your calm, cool, relaxed and confident personality. When my gf starts freaking out and being a bitch, I'll just walk up and hold her, give her a big hug, make sure she can feel her big strong rock keeping her safe in the storm. If that doesn't work, don't get angry, just disengage and go do something else. When she is ready to come back to you, she will.

Judging by your post, it seems to me that you might be a little too excitable for her and not calm, cool and stoic enough. About the jumping up at her for sex, I don't know if she was just bullshitting or actually had a valid point, but it might benefit you to slow down a little. Slow down your actions, your movements and your speaking. Act and speak slowly, confidently and with purpose. Alpha males don't get all excited and jump up for sex because they get it on demand whenever they want. Try that approach next time. If she still shuts down, keep it as light as possible and just go on about your business per usual.

Maintain outcome independence and keep improving your SMV and make sure you are not influenced or affected by her emotions in any way.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'll second the point about being a rock. I thought my wife was an anxiety-stricken mess whose sole purpose was to torment me. And yeah, she's more tightly wound than average, but I made everything worse by not being in control of my own emotions, which is really all I can control anyway.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

If you were on-track as a man she would have more anxiety that you are going to leave her sexless ass for a fully functioning unit. You are the problem here. Don't worry about sex with her for now, just drop it altogether. Instead, focus 100% on sidebar, improve yourself, and before you know it she will be "cured".

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Stop trying to reason her excuses. She is not attracted to you, thats why she doesnt want to fuck you.

Sex isnt the problem. The lack of sex shows that something is bad. Fix that and sex will most likely fix itself. Fix you. As you say "I’m an out of shape beta POS". Work on that. Read the sidebar.

You cant "fix" her anxiety, but you can bet your ass she will feel a lot less anxious if she knows she has a confident high value masculine man that handles shit by her side.

[–]capn_barnacles[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Well said, thank you.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’m still new to all this (3 weeks in or so), but I wanted to get some specific advice for one area I’ve been struggling with:

1- STFU but don't be a dick. Don't comment, don't laugh, just listen. Don't solve

2- Lift weights

3- Your fair share of work only in the house that is all

4 Read sidebar

5- Quit the butthurt and ego shit

6- Stop the therapist shit

[–]The_LitzRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I can give you a rundown of all the reasons you are having this kind of shit in your life, but that will serve no purpose as we are not here to figure out all the reasons, we are here to move forward and get you going.

My biggest progress with my anxiety ridden wife was leading the family. A drunk captain's wife is usually tired of looking out for where the next threat is coming from. See it as a mega shit test or a maga comfort test, doesn't matter. Put in the work and lead. She needs a captain more than anything.

Meds can mess her libido around, but in our case I still managed to go from quarterly starfish to almost weekly sex. One could imagine how it will be if she got off the meds, but I am not here to daydream, I am here to make things work with what I have.

Another thing, do not let her anxiety become an excuse for her non performance. She is already hiding behind it. The sex therapist sounds lame to put it lightly. Go easy on her for now, improve yourself and start initiating like a man that wants sex from a woman.

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

3 weeks in? You should read and internalize the sidebar. Building a foundation of bandages does yourself a disservice.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I suggest you read entire post history of u/strategos_autokrator This man started where you are, maybe lower, and saved himself.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Calling captain savAho, captain savAho. Look inwards before you fix others.

Why would you treat mental health differently than any other health issue? She needs a doc? Then enforce that boundary.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

Haven't I read this post before?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Reminds me of strategos . Are you thinking of others?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Maybe they are all blending. Or, it's that troll back with a new account, his engagement will say which.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Didn't think of troll. Good thing you are the moderator.

[–]capn_barnacles[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

No troll, just an honest new guy learning the ropes. I will read some of the posts from guys with similar stories. Thanks.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Read below-

Own Your Shit [weekly thread] by strategos_autokrator in marriedredpill [–]strategos_autokrator[S] 9 points 2 years ago* To set the tone, I'll start. Sometimes I am afraid of my wife. I'm afraid that by setting up boundaries I'm rocking the boat, and this changes the dynamics, and I don't know how she will react to that. The old beta ways are familiar, and it is scary to decide not to go back there. I used to cover this fear up with other feelings, such as anger. But the truth is that it is fear. It is completely illogical that I'm afraid of her. I am strong, smart, resourceful, and have my life in line. But still, I won't lie that some times when I act to defend boundaries, even though logically I know this is the right thing, and logically accept the Outcome Independence, emotionally, it is still hard. Often this means that after some of the bigger shit tests, I replay things in my head over and over, worrying I did something wrong. The way I'm handling it is to plan how to defend my boundaries beforehand, and act my plan automatically, and pile through my fears just with determination, telling myself I'm not going to to the old stuff that didn't work. It works, but many times, it is exhausting. However, I've noticed I'm internalizing it more, and many things that were scary before, now I manage well without any fear. There are things that are still hard for me, but many have become quite easy. Also, frankly, even though it is scary, I see that eventually her protests die out and she responds positively to my boundaries. We both like them in the end! Still, I welcome other tips on how to manage the rumination and fear after successfully defending my boundaries.

[–]capn_barnacles[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for this, very inspiring for me, as it's very relatable.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Seen a few similar posts. Disorders and conditions are a dime a dozen, with normal GP's diagnosing and prescribing meds with a 15 minute consultation.

[–]Griever114-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

Havent dealt with something similar. Does she have any sexual abuse?

The kind of responses you are getting are gigantic red flags for abuse, she is repulsed by you or is cheating on you.

[–]capn_barnacles[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

She had a pretty crazy upbringing (alcoholic parents, now divorced), but no abuse. Clearly she needs me to be the rock and captain, as others have said, and this need has intensified since kids. I have been failing up until now. Lots of work to do on my end, but I'm feeling optimistic. Thanks again for all the feedback.

[–]Griever1140 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

While i agree that you need to be the rock and captain. There are instances where (crazy upbringing alcoholic parents = child abuse) it may have created a lot of long lasting problems.

While i agree that you need to step up, keep this as a last resort after all else fails (sidebar).

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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