loss of interest in wife

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March 24, 2016

My biggest concern about this whole process is that now that she's off the pedestal I find it really hard to talk to her. Almost everything she says sounds like childish nonsense or it's a repetition of something she's told me a thousand times before. The complaining has gotten better (or I just ignore it better), but I find myself questioning why I would spend so much time with this person. Anyone else have similar thoughts? Does this get better? Thanks dudes!

Post Information
Title loss of interest in wife
Author RPNoober
Upvotes 7
Comments 93
Date 24 March 2016 06:07 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207569
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4bsrb3/loss_of_interest_in_wife/
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[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

I have to ask. Have the intensity and duration of your feelings about ANYTHING remained constant throughout your life without any variation? That's not even possible.

Everything ebbs and flows.

Even if you get all your shit together using the tools here, your feelings about your wife will ebb and flow the same as feelings do for men in good marriages.

It's part of human nature and the reality of living with someone for a long time.

[–]RPNoober[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That's a good point. I appreciate the perspective.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (18 children) | Copy

My wife is cool and interesting, you haven't shared very much so if you can't provide some back ground I'll just answer your question.

Anyone else have similar thoughts?


Does this get better?

You get what you give

[–]RPNoober[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

A lot people around here say things like " treat you wife like your little sister " and I think "I wouldn't hang out with my little sister". That's where the cognitive dissonance comes from.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (6 children) | Copy

Treat your wife like the girl you had a crush on at the playground. You pulled your hair and teased her but if anyone else fucked with her you were her shield & spear.

[–]RPNoober[S] 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

Never felt like that about girls. The interesting ones (for me) are usually batshit crazy and not wife or mother material. All the others could fall in a hole for all I cared.

I've got to figure out why I liked this one back then and figure out if that can come back.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

White knight syndrom, or captain saveaho.

Lots of guys like broken women. It's part pride, part ego. Like the guy with the broken down car he works on every weekend, never drives it, but loves to work on it

[–]RPNoober[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


[–]War2kali1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Being attracted to crazy women is the male equivalent to girls who chase the bad boys who they know can never work out for them long term. That attraction to crazy ones is your problem to fix. As to your current conundrum, I'm sure there are positive aspects to your wife that prompted you to marry her - rediscover them.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Good luck

[–]RPNoober[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

lol, you were a natural athlete training for the Olympics. He was the college dropout with a bum knee going to physio.

Mileage will vary

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

Lol posts like this bewilder me, I just think Wtf does this guy want from us?!?

So little info/context.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

He doesn't know. And in this case, I totally get it.

There's a lot of info out there on most parts of the map guys experince. On this uncanny valley, there's surprisingly little. I've had it, I think bogey had it, some haven't.

It's exactly what I talk about with Assumptions and Mental Models

He needs to figure out what he really wants. chances are it isn't just to fuck the woman.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

I didn't know of this blog - looks like I'll be spending my night in your mind.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

I've had it a while, mostly for any comments I make elsewhere that seem noteworthy, or shower thought.

I don't advertise it, it's like look. I wrote for me, if anyone else reads, power to them

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

You care if I ever link to it? You had a few solid points I'd like to reference.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Do what you like man.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

lol - you do you isn't the go to anymore?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Spring hit. I have feelgoods for everyone now.

[–]RPNoober[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Just looking for opinion and experience. I don't think the questions require much context. I don't want you to tell me what to do. I want to hear whether you have experienced what I am feeling and what you think about it.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (15 children) | Copy

I am basically at the same spot.

Mrs. Veritas is not at the pedestal anymore and my oneitis is almost gone.

Now when I look at her and I feel almost disgust. She is watching shows, Facebook and other social media all the time.

However I think it is more of my own projection. I am disappointed by the fact I did not see it before and by fact I waste portion of my life.

I think it takes a little bit of time to get through. The final goal is true independence where I do not care at all.

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (11 children) | Copy

You recognize she reflects you correct? Her shitty behavior is a result of having a shitty man not lead her to his standard.

You can't be a weaksauce fuck for years, then flip a switch and expect your wife to act like you haven't been a faggot for years.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (9 children) | Copy

Yes, I understand that. I is a projection/reflection of myself.

That is why I don't blame her or anything. It is up to me to go through that.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (8 children) | Copy

So lead her and fix yourself.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

I say it goes both ways.

Can't argue with leading, but there's also something to be said for seeing how they can rise to the occasion. If leading turns into dragging them along... I wouldn't see it as long term successful.

Leading can be by example e.g. his question seems more geared with what to do during the lag time of improvement between them

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I agree with you, I(we) don't know which scenario it is.

If my wife were just dead weight, I'd drop her. But is OP'S girl dead weight or has he been a shit guy for so long she doesn't even know any better?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm getting the feeling it's a bit of captain saveaho, if so, and he wants net value, it may be a case to see if he can, or she is willing to lead and improve.

It may just be likes the junker in the garage he's always working on. I can see a guy getting his meaning through the struggle, kind of like the man version of victim worship.

Or it may just be an inability to see his failures in her. In which case, it's a waiting game until she sees whats up and comes along for the ride.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

For some reason that weird explanation made perfect sense to me

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm using the 5 why's. hopefully he can get to the meat of what he wants

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

She has started her strength training in gym (5x5) about 5 months after me. She might be lead able in the end.

By me or by someone else. It depends on my decision in near future.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

And that decision is yours. Just don't cut yourself short because of ego or pride.

You may be sitting a chick who is exactly what you need, you just have to fix you and in the process it will fix her. If it doesnt, so be it. You are in charge of you and have one life, make it count by cutting out the valueless time and attention vampires.

[–]its-iceman0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That's definitely something.

[–]Redrealm0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


[–]RPNoober[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

This is not me or my wife. The issue for me is that if the goal is to not care, why stick around?

[–]NoShit_NotEver2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like a logical inconsistency with RP in general.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Now when I look at her and I feel almost disgust.

Same question: What if your daughter acted like this. Come on now- it is kind of cute, don't you think?

I think your disgust is exactly the projection you describe but I have to say:


If you chose one who IS like that then either accept it and look for small changes in the direction you want, or correct your mistake and file for divorce.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (11 children) | Copy

Yes we have all been there.

As TFA said, this is happening because you are seeing a reflection of yourself.

at some point, you will either get what you give, or figure out that its not going to happen from this person. You will know because by then you will be able to answer all these questions.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy


[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

did I trigger you?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

Yes. Puked my lunch all over my desk.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

weak stomach

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

Well, at least you're using language that doesn't require a dictionary, or masters in literature :)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Lol. Now you know how I feel when ya'll talk that military speak.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

not feelin' erudite?

Diction needin' fixin?


[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Ya'll funny dudes! Roast Ellis. Lol. Must be the vom stuck in my throat from that pic you sprung on me.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You clicked that shit Bruh

Own Your Shit

*edit Whisky Tango Foxtrot

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Nice one!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (20 children) | Copy

It happens. Commonly, theres a phase in between your improvement and her catching up where you actively resent, or lose interest in her.

One of two things will happen, she'll catch on and improve, or you lose interest and leave.

Part of the process

[–]RPNoober[S] 0 points1 point  (19 children) | Copy

I just wonder what she's going to improve at? Is she going to become a more interesting person? I guess that could happen, I hope it's happening with me.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (12 children) | Copy

Could be a few things, I can only speak for myself.

  1. get in better shape, looking hotter glosses over a lot of that.
  2. gets smarter. Hell, we even talked about her going to college today
  3. Blowjobs make conversation tolerable

Also, on your end. Now that you've accepted her for what she is, you're going ot have that realization that she isn't your best friend, and isn't supposed to be. You'll get off your ass and start meeting new people who do fill those niches in your life.

Don't let all the (she will improve) part above overshadow the attitude that: Go far enough back, there's always a point where your decisions create the situation you are in.

She's boring? find someone else to talk to, she's there to either sex on tap, take care of the kids, and/or work to contribute to the household... She's not there to be a mommy/best friend/teammate.

For me, there's an element of her being there as my fuck toy. Train her to fuck like I like it... Something that ONS will never be able to do.

[–]RPNoober[S] 0 points1 point  (11 children) | Copy

Just seems shitty spend so much time with someone you find boring. There's only so much time one can spend away from the wife before it would make more sense to split.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (10 children) | Copy

Slow down cupcake. You handled the time before you started lifting.

you want kids? have kids? Mother of your children and interesting conversation aren't the same thing.

I'm not saying it's saveable, I'm saying if you're where you say you are, slow down and take a beat before deciding. Don't be the former fat guy that shits on fat people being lazy.

[–]RPNoober[S] 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

Im actually further away from thinking about divorce than I was before I found the RP. I'm just bored with her, not physically, but mentally. I find myself trying to get through dinner quickly and avoiding hey add much as possible. It's great for my hobbies and lifting but just feels wrong.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

You go to work when you're bored don't you? You do all manner of things, even though you are bored. Why is that ability lost when you have dinner with the wife?

We're doing the 5 why's exercise here, so play along

[–]RPNoober[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

Isn't a goal in life to have a job you're not bored with? Maybe I'll just never be satisfied. I've move towns and jobs and careers numerous times in my life in search of utopia that has never come. Unfortunately I feel unable to do that when it comes to women. Maybe I need to be satisfied with what I have. That is going to be a tough pill to swallow.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Create your utopia.

If you are bored, read a book.

Find something interesting and be excited to talk about it, and talk about it to her. Pretend she is furniture if you have to . You may find that she responds and starts taking interest in the things you find interesting.

or not.

Doesn't sound like you've tried leading her in being interesting.

Or maybe you are boring...

[–]RPNoober[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Point taken. Good advice.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

So you get bored at work and jump ship.

Why come here then? why hesitate to do the same?

[–]RPNoober[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Probably because I'm a beta and leaving jobs or towns is easier than fixing or suffering through them. However for that same reason the wife is different.

[–]RPNoober[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Probably because I'm a beta and leaving jobs or towns is easier than fixing or suffering through them. However for that same reason the wife is different.

[–]MRPguy0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Is she going to become a more interesting person?

Probably not. But YOU will change and as a result the value you find in her will change. It will either increase, or decrease. Both are fine because YOU have changed and can no longer accept the status quo.

[–]RPNoober[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Explain how I will find different value in her?

[–]MRPguy0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

As you change your needs change. You horizons are expanded. Where you previously were seeking validation from her, you may find it elsewhere, hence it won't bother you if she doesn't verbally validate you.

Perhaps you were expecting intriguing conversation from her. You'll now realize that she cannot provide that...but rather than being angry you will relish her childlike innocence and in addition you will find that conversation elsewhere; with a co-worker, with a masculine friend, etc.

Imagine if your wife was 50% of your "life value score." The other 50% was comprised of friends, co-workers, relatives, etc. Your wife holds a huge chunk of value. If you rated that value on a 1-10 scale and she was a 3, that would be devastating.

But what if she ranked that same 3 but "wife" only comprised 5% of your "life value" score? Not a big deal, right? You've grown and shifted around values and you get more from other people.

[–]RPNoober[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Well put.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

It may be similar to flowers growing in spring. First here's nothing. Then you notice growth but there still isn't an indication of what is coming. One day, a flower erupts. Only time will tell if it's the flower you'll stay with.
But you can focus on yourself today since that is within your control. Concentrate on a motivated tempo for that endeavor. When the time comes, you'll be positioned to make that decision - but only if you've done the work.

[–]RPNoober[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good advice. Thanks.

[–]RedDreadWolverine1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

It can change. Use it as time to self improve. Come back and look later. I was afraid to even be attracted to other women before. Now I point them out to my wife. My attraction to her is based mostly on the effort she puts into me instead of on our history like before.

[–]RPNoober[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for the insight.

[–]ajs02f1 point2 points  (10 children) | Copy

Not only this, but she doesn't motivate me sexually as much either. I've been having a hard time wanting to initiate sex with her. Libido and sex drive is fine...it's her specifically.

Taking and ravaging a new woman is still a thrilling and amazing experience for me. But it's hard to manufacture that urge for her. I find myself initiating because I know I'm supposed to...not because of an intense desire to conquer her.

Anyone else experience this?

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Have sex. Why does it have to be complicated?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If this was just about the sex, every guy would just stay beta and hire hookers.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

99 times out of a 100 this passes with time.

A kind of weird uncanny valley, between knocking her off a pedestal, and giving a shit about what she has to offer (or doesn't).

At some point, it'll be clear if this is just improvement lag, or something more serious.

[–]MRPguy0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

This is a brilliant post that summarizes a lot of what I've been thinking about lately. We've been taught/programmed to have them on a pedestal and seek after them. When we knock them off the pedestal, the desire for them often wanes because our mental process hasn't processed the next step. No pedestal, so how can I possibly desire her?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

It's one of those weird phases that happens to most, but isn't really addressed yet in the manosphere.

I like things like TTB approach of 'just lead' but it kind of glosses over the underlying issue that's really at heart here. People tend to fear change, and this is a great example

[–]RPNoober[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Maybe it's fear that she won't change and we're stuck with a lemon.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

time sorts it out naturally

[–]ajs02f0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

What does "time sorts it out" mean? I am not in the habit of letting things sort themselves out these days. I'd prefer to control the direction myself.

MRPguy is onto something. The shine is off the apple with her. That coupled with my own self improvements is causing me to look at her in a whole new light. And that light isn't making me want to ravage her...

...it's just making me want some strange.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You work out heavy and eat right. The abs sort themselves out.

Is it clearer that way?

[–]MRPguy0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

"I've found myself. I'm bettering myself. I deserve awesomeness. Wife is off a pedestal, she is the oldest teenager in the house. Is THIS what I really deserve/want?"

[–]Redneck001Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Does this get better?

One way or the other.

I'm guessing this is the later stage of the anger phase. I'm guessing you're working your ass of on yourself, and you're still not getting the response you want. You meet new, younger options every day. Then you go home to your wife, and ... you're thinking "fuck this, that hottie that I met today would ..."

My advice is to give it more time. You likely have more work to do anyway. And when and if your woman responds, it will be like a light switch suddenly turned on.

[–]RPNoober[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You're probably right. I just wonder what is going to change. Or, how is she going to change that I'm going to enjoy sittingg across the table from her every night. I think of friends I've dropped because they were boring or dramatic or plain shit heads and I wonder why I would drop them but not my wife.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

I don't have this problem with my wife. If you married a moron, why are you expecting her to suddenly provide intellectual value to your life?

Would you be disgusted by your children if they acted like this?

I wrote about this recently along with Archwinger and Jack. When you rely on her validation and then you get to the point you don't need her validation then your view of her changes. It must.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm still surprised there hasn't been more codifying of this phase. So many go through it, that uncanny valley between the pedestal and the new resting place

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

THE VALLEY. good visual of my path. About 4 months ago, or, 9 months in, anger hit a peak then started to slow down and started getting off and on depressed. That was the bottom of that valley for me. At the bottom I was not attracted to her and very annoyed by her.

Coming up out of the valley since then, the anger has kept rapidly subsiding and my attraction for her is increasing at the same time. I am still coming out of the valley. The other side I think is higher ground than the beginning. Now codify me…..

[–]RPNoober[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

She's not a moron, she's just a woman. She sees the world so differently than me. I used to find her perspective interesting, but now it nauseates me.

I would be disgusted by my kids if they acted this way. No doubt about it. I don't have a daughter though, so maybe that would be different.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

there's always the /u/ultimatecad direction on this too don't forget

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yea but the guy needs to understand that he dosnt need to see the world the same as his wife nor do they need common interests other then fucking eachtoher senseless

[–]SDSAM210 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

My journey after I lost needing her validation resulted eventually in her texting me . "Sdsam you are not just exclusive access to my pussy, it is exclusive anytime." Brought a smile a tear and a good pounding. Funny how the female brain works.

[–]FearDearg2015Mod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

does this get better?

The question is, what standards do you expect her to reach? What are your expectations here? You don't get to just change a few things and then just sit back and reap the rewards. That's just lazy. And feeling sorry for yourself because you got a lazy unattractive wife is also pathetic.

She was attractive at one point, no? I mean, you saw something in her at some point? Sure, there were the "dark years" where you were the drunk captain asleep at the wheel, but those are gone now. That's the past. Leave that in the past. And stop worrying about what the future might bring. (or not). Your life just passes you by when you do that.

[–]Ordinary_Gentelman0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Ok. I had my ass kicked a little and righty so. Normally i am not the Drill Sergeant type here but since no one else is going to do it I will.

First. WHAT. THE ACTUAL. FUCK. Am I really reading some of these responses from the veterans? Really? If man card wasn't such a gay term I'd be asking for them all to be turned in. Maybe even pink flair next to all the names.

Dude listen. You wrote the biggest covert contract of them all and kept it. You took the pussy off the pedestal but not before you dusted its, waxed it, cleaned up real nice, then put it on an altar. You are doing what most here are still doing, couching your acceptance of the contract terms using MRP lingo. That contract is basic in that it says "I DO X SHE DOES Y".

That aint happening. At all. You question why you would want to spend time with her? Guess what? I am betting she is asking the same thing about you...and she is clearly saying it out loud while you are being covert about it...which by the why is a role reversal. Women are covert. You need to speak through action. So why not be the man she and other women would want to be with? Because I am here to tell you if you can't handle the one woman in your life you sure as shit ain't going to be able to handle any other one.

I am not asking for your history of what you have done, only you know that for sure and if its been really effective but dear gawd man I suggest you read the two basic books again: NMMNG and WISNIFG. Because I don't think you did and if you did you sure as didn't internalize it. At any point did you go: that's me!

She sounds like a child? How much time have you spent here because a dozen guys will tell that she is. hands down. You need to grow up and learn to take control of that situation. get out of the house if you have to but gawd man grow up. Stop wallowing and mourning the love you thought you had. It never existed.

I didn't get laid last night. Wife would have nothing to do with it. In addition to that I had to tell her that she was slacking in her share of the household chores. I manned up ran 4 miles, then hit the gym. Had the best fuckign lift of the week. It doesn't look like it will happen tonight or at all this weekend because she has clinical all weekend long. Multiple 12 hours shifts. And I know her. She can't handle working that long. Fuck she can barely handle an getting up at 9am after 11 hours of sleep. Me? My ass is up at 4am and doesn't look at a pillow until 11:30pm. I don't even sit for longer then an hour. there isn't a woman who can hold a candle to me.

So I will answer your question: Does it get better?

No. You get better or you don't.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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