Advice Request for religious ladies here

timeforstretchpants · 2016-09-26T08:46:21+00:00

Your fbil sounds a little... unpleasant. I'm a Christian and I'd probably avoid him.

A lot of churches are happy to have curious and respectful non Christians and people still figuring out what they believe. Your church might have groups/events for women, couples, newcomers, etc. Like in any new situation, it can take time to figure out who to befriend. You can probably find contact info on the church website for the people in charge of different groups. They can likely connect you with people your age/situation

If you go into the church telling people you're a Christian, they will hold you to set standards (because Christians are supposed to hold each other accountable to the teachings in the Bible). If you go in saying you're not sure exactly what you believe, they (hopefully) will encourage you to explore the faith instead of telling you what you should or should not do.

Sorry if this went down a rabbit trail, I'm on mobile and forgot the specifics of the question hahaha

yetieater · 2016-09-26T11:32:52+00:00

I'm coming at this somewhat more from you fiance's perspective, but I might be able to offer some advice nonetheless.

First, just a couple of questions:

You mention that your fiance only really attends church when visiting family - is this fairly infrequent, or likely to be every few weeks?
Is your fiance asking to attend church regularly together, or just when visiting family?

My advice would be to consider the issue of your future BIL and his attitude separately to consideration of attending church. Your fiance clearly isn't sharing his mindset but does want to attend church, so I wouldn't expect you to meet the same hostility from a church he is keen to attend. Your fiance and his brother have a disagreement, but that's going to be more of a family politics problem than one associated with the church attendance of you and your fiance.

On your more specific points:

I am honestly afraid of the judgement that we would face as a couple living together out of wedlock, especially after being told by FH's brother that "it is terrible that you have decided to live in sin" after he joined a rather fundamentalist branch of Christianity

I think this is unlikely to be a problem, your fiance is not likely to want to bring you into a hostile environment where he would expect this judgement. This is rooted more in his brother than your likely future church attendance experiences, I think.

In any case, faithful couples who are engaged are much less likely to be judged for living together, in my experience (which may not be applicable, English religious culture diverges a bit from the USA) so I would try to not worry about this too much.

I am a fairly private person, and I am concerned about the sometimes "gossipy" nature of the stereotypical church ladies.

It's always a concern, but I would suggest that most instances of gossip are likely to be from people you are unlikely to befriend in any case. Be nice, friendly, and don't provide any fuel for gossip and it unlikely to be a problem. If it does become an issue, it is likely your future MIL will be better informed than you are and ensuring she has good things to say about your relationship is likely to counter any negative whispering.

And honestly it is kinda scary to completely jump in to a "lifestyle" I completely trust my FH, but change is always a bit scary

Change is sometimes scary, but churches are generally at least trying to be welcoming. Trusting that your fiance will not lead you into a bad environment, and will listen if there are things you are bothered by is some reassurance. Most importantly I would say is to be honest if things are bothering you, do not allow things to fester and erupt into resentment, talk about your experience.

If anyone has any insight or books/website they can recommend I would really appreciate it!

Regarding methodism, I would at least follow /u/Camille11325's advice on a bit of research on involvement in sacraments - the church is likely to have a website or links to doctrine. If not, ask your fiance or his parents. For more general reading, I would always start with a online skim of the history and basic beliefs, but bear in mind that each church is different and so a more specific knowledge of the church you'll attend will be more helpful practically.

Camille11325 · 2016-09-26T04:31:04+00:00

I can tell that you're not very fond of conservative Christians; my advice to you is to keep this attitude hidden from the members of your fiance's church.

Be friendly and open minded. Don't assume that they will judge you, hate you, or gossip about you, and don't give them any reason to do these things! Read up on the services so that you can feel comfortable doing and saying the right things at the right time. Compliment women on their outfits, and be sure you're dressed appropriately yourself. Look up their rules on taking Communion and follow them. Focus on being an enjoyable person and try your best to reflect well on your fiance :)

Don't go around sharing your personal life or living arrangements with anyone but if you are asked point blank, come up with a short and sweet reply that also sends the message that you don't want to continue that particular conversation topic. They may get over it and treat you well if you prove yourself to be a great person. You don't have to be best friends with anyone but being on good terms with the congregation is always a good thing. Be sure to remember people's names and greet them on Sunday when you see them!

There are pretty big differences between Methodists and Catholics so definitely do some research. Unfortunately I can't suggest anything, but best of luck!

Irisandoleander · 2016-09-26T12:47:01+00:00

I wanted to comment because I like your username :)

I agree with the other ladies who have posted. I think your best bet is to get up, get dress, go to church, and observe. Let him take the lead. If people as questions don't beat around the bush, but also don't elaborate more than you have to. Depending on the size of the church you may find a few new friends so do keep an open mind.

Icouldrun4smiles · 2016-09-26T20:18:50+00:00

I am a new ish person here, but what I have to say I think fits into RP framework (if not, sorry and I will try to change it or delete comment). If you are interested in going to church with your FH talk to him more about his perspective on church. There are many different denominations, many of which are loving and focused on loving God and others, doing good works in the community and being a positive place for people to connect and grow. Unfortunately, there are strict churches that will try to 'help' you see the error of your ways. The first step is to find a place where you both feel comfortable. This isn't a quick and straightforward process, either. Sometimes it takes a few churches and many visits at wach church to determine if it is right for you.

As for the judgy people that one can find at a church. You are going to find those kinds of people everywhere. But you will hopefully be able to discover pretty quickly as you visit churches whether or not a church has an open loving atmosphere or a harsh judgemental one. I am a private persob as well and it's tough when church members talk about you because you aren't like them. I just ignore them or if the situation warrants ask people why they are interested in my personal affairs (doesn't happen very often).

The most important thing to keep in mind is to be open and honest with your FH about what you want, are comfortable or unxomfortable with and trust him or his decision or however yoy two are deciding on a church.

plein_old · 2016-09-26T15:56:54+00:00

Has your fiance picked out a church in particular, or is he just feeling a general thought that it would be nice to find one?

I'm not a Christian, but there's a line from the bible I like: "Judge not, that ye be not judged." Any chuch whose members are super gossipy or judgmental - I might ask if they are likely to be a good influence. We can still associate with people who are not good influences, it just helps to be a bit "formal" or reserved with them.

The other question is, does your fiance share your values in terms of things like privacy, and does he understand your concerns about all this.

I believe there's a couple lines in the bible recommending that people pray in private, rather than making a big deal of how pious they think they are. So these so-called "fundamentalist" Christians are not actually following the fundamentals of the bible, it seems to me, oftentimes.

whistling_dixie · 2016-09-27T20:12:55+00:00

You've gotten some fantastic advice here, to be sure - especially from /u/timeforstretchpants, /u/Camille11325, and /u/yetieater.

I wanted to chime in as someone in a somewhat-similar situation. We had discussed going to church a while back, and did not find a church we both liked. I was raised Catholic (I consider myself "culturally Catholic" at this point) and my SO was raised Methodist. My SO wanted to find a non-denominational church to potentially explore new ideas, but it didn't pan out that way. Going to church was more important to me than to him (he doesn't feel church is a necessary aspect of being a Christian, which I agree with but prefer to go), so we ultimately worked out that I would just go to the Methodist church with his mother and grandmother (his father is of the same mindset as my SO).

This has been something of a strange experience for me as I had a lot of background on the church's history before I went as it's the church my SO went to his whole life, and it has quite the history. Additionally, I am used to people dressing conservatively and modestly for church - that seems to be something that the congregation does not care about, as there is one girl who always shows up looking like she's about to hit the club. The music is different too, although there is a more traditional service offered at another time - my SO's mom just prefers the modern service, so that's what we go to. They also only do communion once a month, which if I'm being honest, I felt very weird about just because I had never taken communion outside of the Catholic church.

I don't think anyone knows that I'm Catholic - it's never been asked of me, and I don't know if my SO's family members have ever volunteered that information to anyone. Everyone's been nice and welcoming, and there has been no judgment for the fact that we are unmarried and living together - they all know my SO because he grew up in the church, I'm thankful they don't press me about his absence but it's likely because they do know his personality. No one pushes me for any information about our personal life which is fantastic.

With regard to your future brother-in-law: be a duck, let it roll off your back like water. That's between him and your future husband, don't let it bother you.

Title	Advice Request for religious ladies here
Author	EngineerInPearls
Upvotes	10
Comments	22
Date	September 26, 2016 3:17 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/54ipzi/advice_request_for_religious_ladies_here/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/advice-request-for-religious-ladies-here.209550 https://theredarchive.com/post/209550

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